scholar of the mind

oh maybe i'm just allergic to ragweed this year? that would make me feel better than it being the bad air quality.

LOL my sister's dog shat on the carpet and i picked it up and she was like omggg thank yewwww i'm at work want me to bring you anythingg and i was like no you can clean the cat litter though if you want to repay me for my kindness. radio silence since i sent that text....

wait i should literally go to the folk dance thing there's loads of lesbians there. including that one ftm who broke my friends heart seven years ago who was in the military and has an unpleasant pseudo-therapy way of talking to you which i'm sure is verycharming and effective on some women but makes me feel like i'm being examined under a microscope and feels very affected also (and therefore suspicious and fraudulent) who is poly and sleeping with my other friend who also thinks i'm hot i guess and with whom i danced that one singular time. next time i go folk dancing i will be the 'leader' though, no more being the 'follower'.. my turn to spin people...

every summer i experience some sort of Thing (like i said i do not handle unstructured free time well) so i think this summer's Thing is going to be How I Overcame An Overexcited Gag Reflex. i guess. hooray. kind of boring. i think i shoudl also go to dyke night again and see what's up. now to get my reclusive anti-social 'i only hear from her once every three weeks at best via text, and see her once every five months' lesbian friend to come with me.

squirrels and birds have gained the undeniable upper hand when it comes to getting mulberries from the park though i keep trying but no dice all the ripe ones have been meticulously eaten already and i know they are getting eaten bc there are none on the ground :(

whatever at least i kind of don't really have social anxiety from just existing in public anymore, that's cleared up since my mood is so stable these days.

the internet says to 'breathe deeply through your nose' to calm your gagging but that isn't going to help because hello. smells are a pretty big thing that make me gag and everything has a smell and when i'm already gagging you bet that whatever that particular smell is is not going to be soothing exactly. the smell of puddles or the fridge can make me feel queasy if i'm having a bad time already come onn.

something needs to be done about the gagging i almost puked thismorning for real like saliva gathered in my mouth, my eyes got teary, and i was heaving with my whole body. UM. well it is also aggravated because i'm coughing all the time now bc the smoke cloud from the fires fucked my lungs up + i decided to 'cigarette-max' (but it is mostly the bad air quality.i don't think smoking 2 cigarettes in one day three days ago is still making me cough)(or there is new pollen in the air which is irritating my throat) which means my throat is even more sensitive bc as we all know, coughing a lot makes you gag after a while bc your throat is tired.

again one has to feel a bit bad for the straight girls trying to experience oppression for being a gay gender non-conforming man. in a just world you'd have been born a gnc lesbian who wants to have sex with butches/studs/mascs. best of all worlds because you genuinely do get to experience all of it you know. homophobia (and misogyny) from the outside world, and also weird intra-community homophobia from the people who take Butch Femme too seriously which is sort of like being a gay man kind of not really and you don't even need to go on hormones or undergo surgery !. i think instagram has just caught wise that i find those videos of lesbians who get mad when two masculine lesbians date fascinating and kind of funneyy and kind of sad and so keeps showing them to me. and i keep clickingg..

WOW! did you know sleeping 7hrs uninterrupted really improves things a lot. didn't get to brush my teeth and floss at 3AM like i'd planned when i went to bed without brushing or flossing my teeth, but c'est la vie..