arthur

the thing about going back in time to kill hitler/trump/any dictator or similar figure as a baby is that all it does is get rid of the figurehead of a movement that will exist regardless of what person is at its head. however if you killed joseph smith as a baby nobody else would've found those tablets in his backyard

problematic sudoku solving skills gap

cats always step precisely on your most sensitive areas when theyre crawling on you lovingly for cuddles. bladder dick ovaries boobs stomach bruise it doesnt matter. they have homing devices on their paws for the exact area you’re most tender at the moment and they put their full weight into that step. and sometimes they might keep their stance midstride so theyre just standing there forever forcing you to endure the pain. because they are simply too cute to get mad at

The eye doctor is the most fun doctor you can go to. They never steal your blood. They never make you get naked and put on a paper dress. They're just like, "Can you see these letters? It's fine if you can't, we can fix that." And they don't even spell anything.

i tried explaining to this girl at a party once how i could be gay and asexual at the same time and it basically boils down to never being into anyone but like once a year i’ll find a man attractive. and she was like “so what am i if i only like girls, and i’ve never found any of my boyfriends attractive and and i just wanna do cocaine all the time?” i was like “you’re a lesbian with a coke addiction?” and she was like “woooooah”. she broke up with her boyfriend that night and had a threesome with two girls in the bathtub. rebecca if you’re out there, i hope you’re going places. well, not far, since you’re electronically tagged. but spiritually.

wasn’t crazy that comics used to have like. Ronald Reagan. Or Obama. Or like the actual real NYC mayor. That was wild. We should put Mamdani in Spider-Man again

it’s so funny that shane is a landlord, can you imagine if your landlord was sidney crosby and you had to text him like ‘hi sidney crosby, my oven isn’t working right :/’ and sidney crosby would have to be like ‘ok well i’m at the olympics so i’ll send someone to check it out, no problem’

why do people think the concept of “thought ‘crimes’” extends to things you post online. you have laid it out for other people to see, it’s no longer just a thought in your head. lol

I’m like if a girl that hates working used her work as a distraction from everything going wrong in her personal life

just showed the gate agent the Wikipedia article for Mussels instead of my boarding pass. don't text

me after a minor inconvenience: i hope i get hit by a [remembers i’m anti car-centric infrastructure] pedestrian

sometimes a woman hurts every man who enters her life because she's awesome