Crossbell Crustacean

my mother still does this

Why is pet play always dogs anyway

Youre a dirty little goldfish arent you. daddys gonna clean your tank out so good so you have to wait in the sink until im done.

Not my circus, not my monkeys. In fact I'm pretty sure those monkeys only answer to Sun Wukong, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven.

this book I’m reading on female evolution for some reason uses bill and hillary clinton as examples of the typical differences between male and female vocal structures and the author is like “imagine if bill clinton had a throat sac like an ape which caused his voice to resonate” don’t say that? I don’t want to imagine that?

billiam clinton saying his famous line “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” in a booming voice that can be heard up to two miles away and everyone starts hooting like monkeys and banging their fists on their chests

ice cream truck blasting gymnopedie no. 1 while a bunch of really forlorn children chase after it

Can we stop with the character development. Where's my beach episode.

Fortuneteller, turning over the Death card: Don't worry. It isn't literal. It simply refers to some form of change. Me: Phew Fortuneteller; turning over the Gets Eaten by the Fortuneteller While Trying to Leave card: That can also mean many things

i think taylor swift wishes she was bisexual because she knows it would make her slightly more money. whereas sabrina carpenter wishes she was bisexual so she could have sex with someone who looks exactly like herself. and ariana grande wishes she was bisexual because she did too many designer drugs on the set of wicked and now she has kin memories of being glinda for real