Mostly Vibes Partially Thoughts

for example, if you identify yourself of someone else as An Abuser, you have preemptively eliminated the possibility of a future that involves healing or change. the Abuser doesn’t need to try to be better, because by conceiving of An Abuser as an ontological and intrinsic role (rather than a situational one), you have relieved them of any onus for their behavior. “they can’t help it; it’s in their nature.” it is all An Abuser ever can be, so it is all An Abuser ever is. they must be socially punished, ostracized, shunned, and eternally repent for the harm they caused. the Abuser is irrevocably marked a pariah and recovery is impossible.

the coin’s other face, of course, is identifying A Victim. in doing so, a possible future or opportunity for growth is also eliminated but for the inverse reason: as A Victim, they are infantilized. of course they are not responsible for any of the ways they have been treated—however, they also are never forced to question any subsequent behavior. A Victim is always innocent, and therefore does not need to analyze their actions. if A Victim acts in the same way as An Abuser, all the teeth are removed from these actions by the Victim’s ontological innocence. “of course they acted that way; they’re traumatized.” A Victim is never fully able to grow out of their fear response or conceive of a situation where they will not be hurt, and their infantilization is perpetuated ad infinitum, simultaneously relieving them of any responsibility to process/grow through their trauma or consider ways they may go on to hurt others in the future. frozen in Victimhood, they are only ever allowed to be helplessly acted upon and fall into the clutches of another Abuser, never able to themselves do harm to another or heal.

A cishet man getting pegged by his cishet girlfriend is not gay, he's not less of a man or submissive by default. A cishet man getting pegged by his cishet girlfriend can be sexually dominant and simply likes to be fucked in his ass - these two can co-exist. Yet, in the eyes of cishet society, a man that likes to have his ass played with, must enjoy it because it's "degrading" , not because it simply feels good.