can i get a fucking ETA on “this too shall pass”?

god, your worst warrior needs money

My captain told me her convicts kept disappearing in the blood ocean so I asked how many convicts she has and she said she just goes to the prison and gets a new convict afterwards so I said it sounds like she’s just feeding convicts to the blood ocean and then she started crying.

I am NOT cooked. However I am softly simmering on a low heat for several hours

reverse gatekeeping. I am on my knees begging people to engage with the source material

most obvious example of something creepy + wet is not any kind of Creature or Monster it is in fact . vegetable you forgot about in the fridge

why is shopping for computer shit so difficult like what the hell is 40 cunt thread chip 3000 processor with 32 florps of borps and a z12 yummy biscuits graphics drive 400102XXDRZ like ok um will it run my programmes

My husband builds and sells computers as a hobby. He writes on the top of his advertisements when selling them "will run Fortnite at full graphics settings" and most of the time, that is literally all the customer wanted to know but the advertisements and long-winded descriptions won't tell them

*meows loud as fuck to no avail*

there’s nothing wrong with me plus i don’t have any wants or needs plus i don’t feel or think at all

gay as hell

Oh hell no. Our flag means what now?

my cat hates taking his pills. the only way we can get him to eat them is to turn it into an elaborate pantomime - we take the packet out of the cupboard slowly and hold it up, saying “oh!! what’s this? what’s this? a TREAT? a TREAT for louis????” while making surprised faces. we offer him a pill… then, before he has a chance to sniff it, we wag our fingers at him and replace it in the packet so it becomes a Tantalising Forbidden Mystery. we continue doing this until he’s so confused and excited that he will eat the pill as fast as possible, just so he can find out what it is before we can take it away from him again. as soon as he’s eaten it he looks utterly disappointed and betrayed, like a child who just ate a delicious sweet only to find it was a chocolate-coated brussels sprout. it never gets old

Op this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read

50 First Doses

You trick Louis? You trick Louis like a common fool? Oh jail, jail for owners ONE MILLION YE-oh what’s this? A treat?

far from prudish but just got blazed porn of someone's pussy spread out so hard and up close like it's a map of the polish-lithuanian commonwealth and I'm king and grand duke sigismund II augustus inspecting his lands to plot defense against the swedes