I’ve been a casual observer of fandoms for most of my life, only lurking and commenting on works. I used to write and draw creatively when I was younger but gave all that up due to mental health issues and other personal reasons. I thoroughly convinced myself other people will always be better than me at writing and/or drawing. Why make the effort myself when I can just consume these better works? I had no one in my immediate circle whom I can share my fondness for said fandoms anyway.
However, I recently became part of a small fandom where its talented creatives convinced me to return to creative writing. I’ve been having fun so far since they encouraged me even though my works aren’t as good as theirs.
The fandom then got bigger in size with other talented creatives coming in. In effect, the members of the fandom are now more engaged with them so I feel isolated in the fandom just as I was in real life.
Don’t get me wrong. I love this writing hobby, but I’ve been feeling depressed. I’m cursing myself for not having practiced all these years so I can remain engaged with the fandom. It’s like I’m too late to the party so I ruined my chances of getting inside again.
How would you deal with this kind of feeling? Thank you for answering!
Does it help to know that this is a very common feeling piles of writers you look up to also have?
I've been told that the feeling of being behind in life is even more common among neurodivergent people. Maybe that's true. It's certainly a common feeling around here. It's also, mostly, an illusion.
There are two prongs here: Reality and managing irrational feelings.
The reality part is that, yes, okay, maybe you missed out on some time you could have spent consciously practicing. However, you can start practicing now. Stewing about the past will just make you miss the next five years you could be spending honing your craft instead.
Also on the reality side, while consciously practicing is great, all artists also learn by living. You didn't spend those years in cryogenic suspension. You read things. You watched things. You felt things. All of this will help you become a better writer.
I always thought I'd write a novel one day, but my attempts usually fizzled out. One day, I looked up and realized I'd gotten to where I enjoyed my own writing. I wasn't completely avoiding writing like you were, but my fic output was usually just a yuletide fic or two. I really wasn't doing much during those years. But somehow, a combination of life and minimal practice did add up. And I have to say, I think my first novel turned out pretty well.
I think that if you put your nose to the grindstone now, you'll see much better results than if you'd done it years ago. You have plenty of nonspecific practice under your belt. You just need to consolidate it by consciously practicing writing.
Even if you'd done all the "perfect" things you imagine in your head, maybe they still wouldn't have paid off until now. Maybe it would have taken this long anyway. All you can do is look to the future, not the past.
But of course, this ask is primarily about feelings.
The weight of good taste and lagging skills crushes most would-be artists. Your skills will catch up to a degree. You're probably correct that they're lagging behind your taste a bit right now, and that's a phase all artists have to struggle with. Practice will fix that if you can stomach the knowledge that you aren't as good as you aspire to be for a few more years.
The modern world encourages us to think about ~geniuses~ making it as teenagers. We need everything to happen in two seconds to keep pace with our instagram feeds. Actual skills, whether at making something by hand or writing, take years. It is emotionally difficult but helpful to adjust our frame of reference to that reality.
It's called "the gap". Allow me to refer you to the famous Ira Glass quote:
I'll also refer you to my favorite video essays about being a "loser" and things taking time. I think most people around these parts should revisit these essays once a year. (Yes, I have posted them before. I have posted them many, many times.)
The above is how I'd handle your own emotions.
But if you're looking for advice about the fandom social dynamic aspect... Honestly, you're probably not able to judge your own talent relative to those newcomers. You're always going to be harsher on yourself. What I suspect is actually going on is that the fans you look up to go out of their way to welcome new people. You were that new person; now, these other people are. It's mostly not about the quality of your writing.
If you just happen to click super well with one of the long time fans, maybe you'll become close friends, but if that doesn't happen, the window of "Wow, a new person!" isn't infinite. It doesn't mean they don't like you or won't want to read your fic. It just means humans are busy and easily distracted.
The best thing to do is to keep writing and to socialize with others in the fandom. Feeling lonely or jealous or inadequate are part of the human condition. They can usually be managed the same way we manage any other emotions: A sandwich. A reality check. A friend.
The truth is that writing is something many people pick up late in life, but truth doesn't always work that well on emotions. You sound isolated. You probably need to make some friends before these feelings will fully fade. But rest assured, they're common among all sorts of ridiculously talented writers. If your skills are poor, you can improve them. The feelings are a separate issue and probably the harder of the two to manage.
