Be nice.

picking the torture option and the next day the first thing he does right off the bat is make me eat a really big live spider

i love unhinged women but i also love women who try so fucking hard to be hinged. clinging to those hinges by her fingernails.

I'm in a little local cafe and the women behind the counter started griping to each other, "Oh Christ, Stephen's back again," "It's him, is it? I thought he'd stopped coming," "It's definitely him, look, it's bloody Stephen on a Thursday morning," "Do you want me to get rid of him or are you going to do it?" and so I was peering outside, trying to spot this nightmare customer, this pestilence of a person, this pox upon the cafe trade, and then one of the women from behind the counter ran outside, clapping two trays together loudly and yelling "GET OUT OF IT, STEPHEN!" and it turns out that Stephen is an absolutely gigantic fuck-off seagull who hangs around outside, menacing people for crumbs

Alt text: #omg there's a jackdaw outside the cafe I work at called Stephen #some farmers named him that #he has a bad foot so he makes people feel bad for him and they feed him #and when someone tosses him a piece of bread or whatever the entire flock descends #they literally send their disabled friend down to manipulate us

i think if i were a jedi i would make it my life mission to make yoda angry. i would give anything to hear his little goblin voice mutter the words “thin fucking ice, you are on” and click his little cane on the ground. i would do anything. kick him as im walking and be like “oh sorry didnt see you there.” go with him to the market and try to buy him for four credits and say “oh my bad i thought you were a head of cabbage.” raise all the chairs in the jedi temple just an inch. catch him while he’s sleeping and paint his little nails and then be like “odd that someone caught you slippin master yoda. wonder who could have done that.” leave crumbs in his seat in the jedi council. i mean i would do anything

tried to season my fucking dinner but the only hot sauce you can buy is a giant red bottle with a big skull on it and of course when I poured a little out it was a big sinister drop that chuckled darkly so great I'm sure this is going to be awesome

if you want to dress gay but aren’t sure how, you need to focus more on finding clothes you actually like and that make you feel good when you look in the mirror. develop your style independently of what you think looks gayest and trust the homosexuality will follow. it goes where confidence and self acceptance are

I haven’t ate anything since 11 Bruh I’m starving

damn an u how old now?

craziest thing in the world is how many restaurants have started not including fries or any side whatsoever with their burgers meanwhile the burgers cost the downpayment on a new car. you want $19 for a fucking sandwich and you aint gonna give me even a scoop of coleslaw on the side? you’ve truly lost your fucking mind. i’m filing a class action lawsuit atp

I don’t get those weird bathroom wall hangings that say like “bathroom” or whatever but my aunts airbnb has a painting of a frog sitting on the toilet and that’s pretty good actually