Run laughing through your fingers

wolf girlfriend

Wherever you are, I hope you have a beary good week 🐻‍❄️🐻🐼♥️

BOOP. THE. SNOOT.

My morning glory doesn’t like the wind chime

132's three cubs are being very cute right now on KRV

Very cool undated postcard from my collection.

🐾🐾🐾🍪🍪🍪

When I was 17 I was diagnosed with chronic protein abnormality that makes me prone to blood clots. There are other similar conditions, but mine was (and as far as I know still is) unique. I was told that I would eventually die from this, which wasn't an exaggeration. I've had 3 embolisms in my life that came shockingly close to killing me. The doctors told me that I likely would die in my 30's, and almost certainly wouldn't make it past 35. That's hard to hear at 17. But my dad had died (from cancer) at about that age. At 17, 35 seemed a long time away. So I started care (daily drugs, weekly blood tests) and just got on with my life. In college I made my first trans friends. Again, this was before anyone was using that word. Both were trans women, neither of them were out. One was still presenting as male, but as I got to know her she told me about herself. I came out to her too, even though I didn't have any plans to actually transition. I didn't think it was even a possibility. I had never heard of that before. The other woman I didn't know as well. She was presenting as female and never said anything to the contrary. No one else did either. I wondered if I could be like her. But... I had just turned 21. I knew I had 10 or maybe 15 years left if I was lucky. I couldn't even figure out how to start. And I didn't know how to ask anyone, or even that there was anyone TOO ask. It seemed impossible. Too much for the 10 or 15 years I had left. Why even bother when I was going to be gone soon anyway? I felt like that a lot. Why even bother? I dropped out of school after transferring to university. Why bother finishing my teaching degree? Relationships didn't last. Why bother? I put aside any thoughts of having a family. I rarely stuck with a job for more than a year. I did some part time teaching. Some illustration work. I ran Pokemon leagues and worked at cemeteries. I wanted to make comics. That's all I ever wanted. But, you know, why bother? I had an embolism in 2006 that almost killed me. In the hospital the doctor's told me the same thing I heard before. I was going to eventually die from this. BUT... this time they told me that I might live through my 30's, into my 40's even. Treatment had gotten better. I came out of the hospital knowing I had SOME time. I started making games and comics. A few years later I started my comic Modest Medusa. I was actually happy for the first time in my life. I had never realized I wasn't. But I didn't even consider transitioning. At this point I had several trans friends. I was, at least online, part of several communities. Trans and transitioning were words people were starting to use. But I thought I was too old. That's what I told myself. It was too late. I was going to live longer than I thought, but I had missed my chance to be the girl I knew I was. I had another embolism in 2013, about 2 years after I started Modest Medusa. It took months to recover. I thought that was it. I was coming up to the end of my time. I had gotten to spend my last few years making comics. I was happy about that. People have asked why Modest Medusa has an ending at season 4, around strip 500, but actually goes on for 10 more years (and is still going on). The answer is I thought I was at the end of my life! I wanted to end the comic before I died. I was happy to have the chance. I didn't die. I kept going to treatment. Around 2017 I got a new doctor, and suddenly there was a new prognosis. I was still going to die from this, but... probably not till my 50's. Maybe even 60. 60 is a whole life. So many people don't get to live that long. I'm honestly crying a little typing this. It's nearly twice as long as I ever thought I would live. I realized that maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe I could transition and be the person I always knew I was. That's why it took so long. I wish it hadn't. But I still have time. I still have some time to keep making comics (and games), which is all I've ever wanted to do. And I can do it as the woman I always was.

(SIDE EYE)

Monstrous. Utterly Monstrous.

Artist Unknown

"Why must we Madonna/whore the vegetables?" is a phrase I just felt super glue itself in my lexicon immediately

And that's not even getting into the social impact! Finding work is difficult when you're intersex. Dating is so much more dangerous when you're intersex. Intimacy is so much more dangerous when you're intersex. We have extremely high rates of childhood bullying, as well as extremely high rates of physical and sexual abuse. We're highly fetishized, both in broader society ("herm" porn) and even pretty significantly within the queer community. I hesitate to talk about my intersexness & my body in many spaces because of how many times talking about my body has resulted in people saying creepy shit about wanting my body and thinking people like me are ~sexy~, or asking invasive & often very dehumanizing questions. It's incredibly objectifying. It feels like i am not an equal to almost anyone, like i'm just some idea of a perfect sex toy with both parts and it feels awful. And everyone ignores it!!!! No one talks about it!!!! Everyone just brushes us off as this "lesser" issue, not as serious as things like homophobia or transphobia. We're always "collateral damage", "outliers", "edge cases", "accidental targets". And i'm sitting here trying to tell you we ARE targets! Society at large does not love us. It wishes to mutilate, rape, and abuse us. PLEASE love your intersex siblings. We're drowning and we need your help.

Goddess of many regrets