anticipatory grief is crazy. can't really wrap my mind around "in some manner of weeks, give or take, i'm going to be disabled by horrific traumatic permanently brain and life altering grief and idk how to prepare for that. there is an upcoming line drawn on the timeline of my life and i know it's there but i don't know when i'll encounter that line and i don't know what it'll be like or how it'll feel or who i'll become or what will happen on the other side of it and i really don't know how to prepare myself to cross that line or survive being on the other side of it"
"there are a limited number of times i will ever see my nephew ever again and that number is likely very small. the amount of times i've gotten to see him previously isn't that big either. and then once It happens, which could be 2 weeks, could be 6 weeks or 8 weeks, that's it forever, no more, that's all the time i ever got to spend with him forever and there won't be another time, it'll be that very small finite easily countable number of times and then that's it, no redos no take backs no more time. whatever i got is all i got so i can try to squeeze in as many times as possible but it'll never be possible to get more than those times"
"a few weeks, even a couple months, goes by so fast, that's like the average time i put off some daunting admin or annoying little task without even thinking about it. in the time it takes me to put off a piece of admin and only just start to realize i've been putting it off and feel guilty about it, an amount of time that goes by easily without noticing it's even been that amount of time, i will be out of time and have no more forever and be irrevocably mentally and emotionally damaged by something that will never stop being difficult to cope with and will likely severely disable me for at least a couple months, oh and also the same exact thing is going to happen to everyone in my family at the exact same time and they're all going to have the exact same experience and i'm going to see everyone i've known my entire life experience the same severe traumatic grief all at once in the same place while also going experiencing it"
like when i try to mentally grasp any of that it like makes my brain fucking crash i start glitching the fuck out.
i'm allowed to say and think whatever stupid or frivolous shit i want about my grief bc that's how it works and it makes you think 1 million foolish things as being connected, and this post's special stupid thought is hoo boy i kinda hope it doesn't happen before this month's grief support group because i really wanna ask the group and the death doula for advice and how to prepare and what things they wish they could've known about or done with prior knowledge. many of them are grieving ppl who went thru a hospice stage so maybe some of them can help me out with the "what's it like on the other side of that line and what do you wish you'd done or known beforehand now that you're where you are" which may be uhh a bit too analytical bc i know the answer is "there's never anything that can prepare you and no way you can make it easier you have to just go through it" but yeahhh idk.
i think the doula does have "office hours" sessions so maybe i could book that separately from group and do that soon... need to consider. it'd be nice to ask in group too tho but it's on the 28th and i'm... scared... that it'll have already happened by then... and i don't think i'll be able to attend if it's super freshly happened.
idk maybe "seeking guidance for losing a loved one from a death doula and a support group i've been attending for several months" isn't a frivolous thought but it just feels silly to be like heyyyyy Death? the Grim Fucking Reaper? do u think we could postpone until i've had my little zoom meeting? also maybe forever if that's ok?
titsay
jacobvanloon
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
