That one guy that's cool af 😎👉👉

Woe to you, progressive church,

complacent and self-satisfied.

Shame on all you who espouse welcome,

As though the word was worth anything

at all

on its own.

You, who congratulate yourselves,

           Open-minded, open-doored,

                       And so unwilling to open yourself

                                   To destabilize your binary god.

God is calling you out

           But you won’t hear her

Because God is a black trans woman,

           And she has never set foot to your church.

Much less found herself in it.

And even if she did and she does,

           Would she be celebrated

Assuming she made it past that one greeter who is still fucking up her pronouns

           Eight years later

I came to your worship and I met your Father God

           And he was not so different from the Father who disowned me

Even though his house was on a different block

He was still a white man

Whose KINGdom reigns

He still sat on his throne in every one of your songs

           And You in the pews

Brothers and Sisters in his son

still had no place for my genderqueer siblings

Who struggle to love God and themselves in spite of you

           And the way you misgender them

           An average of six times a day.

And God does not have time for that,

God is with the widow and the orphan

And the homeless queer youth

God has called you to love

           Fearful at the social services office,

after being kicked out of the shelter last night

                       Because God does not have proper government ID

God has abandoned you, oh Pride march allies,

And left you to chanting your platitude

That love is love is love

So you turn instead to the Other

For approval, for assurance,

           And you have come to expect their emotional labor

                       For the sake of your own understanding

OF the Other, not of yourself.

We thought we were the perpetual wound in the body of Christ

           But it turns out you are.

Therefore we are commanded to leave you

And to take the rainbow with us

           God’s name will be sung in trans tenor and femme bass,

           While the genderfuckers vogue before the Lord

                       Without fear of appropriation.

Jesus told me she’s done with straight lines, spears, and crosses now.

She loves her new body, in its expansive queer reforming self

And she has plenty of room for us there.

Two cats won’t give up on trying to enter a Japanese Art Museum, the war has been going on for 2 years now. 

That’s mine, you asshole. The last time your sisters came to visit, I gave them a bunch of art supplies and Anna wanted it so I gave it to her. You tell her I’m proud of her. And that no matter what you say, he is not. a. gateway. to. lesbianism.

That was last month.

Guess whose sister just called to schedule dinner with her gay sister and her wife so they can meet her new girlfriend?

Anyway, the running gag was that the king (an old Power Rangers knock-off doll) had absolute and unwavering faith in Evil Chancellor Traytor, who basically comported himself like a mix between Grima Wormtongue and Jafar from the Aladdin movies. Everyone was always sure that Evil Chancellor Traytor had something to do with the nefarious scheme of the day. The dude even carried around a poisoned knife called ‘the kingslayer’.

The additional twist on the joke, though, was that he never was behind anything. The king was actually right. Evil Chancellor Traytor was the most devoted civil servant in the entire Action Figure Dystopia. He spent his nights working on writing up new legislature to ensure that broken toys had access to mobility devices, was always on the lookout to acquire new shoeboxes for expanding city infrastructure, and drafted a proposal that once got half the ‘settlement’ in my sister and I’s closet moved to the upper shelf so that vulnerable toys were less likely to be snatched up by the dog.

The knife, as it turned out, was as symbolic as the ‘evil’ in his name. See, Action Figure Dystopia had a long history of corrupted monarchs getting too big for their thrones and exploiting the underclasses. The job of the Evil Chancellor was to always remain vigilant, and loyally serve a good ruler - or, if the regent should became a despot, to slay them on behalf of the people.

But since killing the king would be a terrible crime, the Evil Chancellor had to be the kind of person who would willingly die to spare the people from the plight of a wicked leader; because the murder would be pinned on them, in order to keep the ‘machinery of politics’ working as smoothly as ever.

Anyway, Evil Chancellor Traytor had a diary, in which my sister I would take turns writing out the most over-the-top good shit he’d done behind the scenes. Usually after everyone else had finished talking shit about him. I don’t know why but we got the biggest kick out of being like:

Barbie With the Unfortunate Haircut: Oh that Evil Chancellor Traytor! Why can’t the king see how wicked he is?!

Charmander From the Vending Machine: Char!

Jurassic Park Toy of Jeff Goldblum With Disturbingly Realistic Face: At least if someone puts a knife in the king’s back, we’ll know where to look!

Evil Chancellor Traytor’s Diary: Today I was feeding ducks at the park when I noticed another legless action figure sitting by the benches. I put a hundred dollars into his bag while he wasn’t looking. I really need to increase budgeting to the medical treatment centers. If only we had enough glue, I think we would see far fewer toys trying to get by without limbs… *insert iconic evil laugh*

Anyway, Evil Chancellor Traytor eventually fell victim to one of my mom’s cleaning sprees, and she decided he was too busted up to keep and tossed him out. My littler brother, who tended to follow my sister and I’s games like he was watching a daily soap opera, cried so hard that we had to do a special ‘episode’ where one of the toys found the Evil Chancellor’s diary, and so he got a big huge memorial and the king threw himself into the empty grave and then ordered the toys driving the toy bulldozer to bury him so that ‘Traytor’s grave would have a body’ (this seemed very important for some reason).

The pangolin

It walks on its two hind legs

Nicknamed the Walking Artichoke

or the Anteater Pinecones

They look utterly ridiculous and they are my favourite thing you’re welcome and goodbye

BONUS! Tree-dwelling version!!!

Also bonus, There’s a fuckton of different kinds!

Enjoy.

Also! they’re going extinct due to poaching because people love their golden scaley pelts! These are the only mammals in existence to grow actual scales, created from fused fur, like rhino horns! If you would like to donate to their conservation fund, or find out more about Pangolins in general, go here!

i’ve walked through the whole place and can’t find a source

it isn’t louder in any one spot

it is just evenly, eerily faint

carnival 

music

So, as it’s roughly explained, the state alchemist program is a kind of “recruit potential human sacrifices” mechanism, with a side-order of “brute strength for the army”. But basically, the state alchemist title is mostly about being a researcher–given people like Shou Tucker exist, and given that the only requirement to stay a state alchemist is to submit a yearly report of your research that says “look I’m still being a useful scientist”.

So far, so far this is sensible, yeah? Father and the delightful children from down the lane are running a recruitment program for potential human sacrifices. So sure–butter them up! Give them lots of money, get them buddy-buddy with the government, and give them endless resources for research. It’s be pretty easy to trick a state alchemist in that position to open the portal if Sugar DaddyBradley is nudging them to do it.

And I’m still willing to go with this logic for the whole “draft the state alchemists into war” move. They make it pretty clear that was something of a last-ditch effort. And the blood transmutation circle around Amestris was an absolute necessity for Father’s plan. So the risk of a few state alchemists dying or resigning from your Potential Sacrifice Pool is worth it for the completion of the circle.

Now. To get to my fucking thought. 

Edward fucking Elric. This fucking fight-me 12 year old troglodyte shows up to the exam and performs circle-less transmutation in front of mother fucking Bradley, demonstrating to one of the seven Actual Fucking Homunculi that he’d already opened the portal. Ed was literally prepped as a human sacrifice before he showed up to Central. A fully set human sacrifice showed up at the homunculi’s door, said “hey look what I can do!”, proved he’d opened the mother fucking portal already, and said “hey yeah hire me”. Human sacrifice, free shipping, no assembly required, handcuffs not included!

They could have just tossed Ed into a shoebox and kept him there until the Promised Day. They wouldn’t even need to make up an excuse he attacked the f u  c k i n g president. That’s fucking treason babey. He’s 12, he’s an orphan, he’s from a rural town in buttfuck nowhere, he’s literally the easiest person alive to disappear. They could have arrested him for assassination crimes, kept him in gay baby jail, and just popped him out for the Promised Day

What do they do instead?! “Oh lmao this kid’s great. Let’s give him infinite money, no supervision, no governmental responsibilities, access to all our secret resources, and toss him on a train to who-the-fuck-knows-where-land”

They fucking did that

And like? They then had the audacity to be concerned when Edward “Fight Me” Elric almost got himself killed about 293 times. Just an endless game of “I thought u were watching him” from one homunculus to another when Ed fucking absconds half-way across the globe to go entice some other hostile entity into murdering him to death. That’s the whole series. Every arc is Ed baiting death while the homunculi are in the background like “:/ wish he wouldn’t do that”

This only gets worse when you consider they later learned Al opened the portal too because really?? These two stab-happy globe-trotting public menaces are 40% of your final evil plan for godhood. 40%. Almost half. You couldn’t fucking set aside a cardboard box to keep these idiots in?

Father didn’t baby-gate Ed because humans are like ants to him and he had no concept of how thoroughly Ed and co. could fuck his shit up

Father and the Hot Topic Brigade didn’t lock Ed up because they recognized the unbridled chaotic 12-year-old energy compressed into such a small vessel and they understood no jail cell on earth would reliably hold this thing