I am the Trash Guardian

i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny

My job is literally in safety and emergency management and that phrase makes me break out in hives. Which is to say that you are entirely one million percent correct.

Alternatively by 'an easy job where they don't do much' what they mean is that they've got so much unwritten knowledge and experience stored up in their heads that they *genuinely believe* it's an easy low effort job and then leave you with a learning curve like a rocket launch and frantically spawning spreadsheets of all the shit they know off by heart

My job is literally in safety and emergency management and that phrase makes me break out in hives. Which is to say that you are entirely one million percent correct.

Alternatively by 'an easy job where they don't do much' what they mean is that they've got so much unwritten knowledge and experience stored up in their heads that they *genuinely believe* it's an easy low effort job and then leave you with a learning curve like a rocket launch and frantically spawning spreadsheets of all the shit they know off by heart

Hi, its me. The warmest creature in the world. I love you. Im the warmest creature in the world and I love you so much and I need to be in your lap right now. Yes, I know about the heat wave. That's okay though because I was already the warmest creature in the world so I don't mind. I love you and you need to let me sleep in your lap right now. I'm soooo warm and I love you sooo much. If you say no you'll be saying no to a thing that love you. Let me sleep in your lap. When I fall asleep I get warmer. I love you

“Temporary stitches” all stitches are temporary if you have a pair of scissors and aren’t a coward

“I ain’t reading all that” your brain is rotting and shrinking

Yes, but also, I am begging you on bended knee, paragraph breaks.

Sometimes I think humankind hasn’t changed at all. 

WHAT IS “DOES”?

My mom likes to tell me about how when I was a little kid riding public transport with her I'd always smile and giggle and chat with weird old ladies who smelled like cat pee and homeless folks and strangers dressed in bizarre outfits but any time a tidy and respectable businessman in a suit and tie waved at me I'd immediately clam up, and she takes a great deal of pride in my supposed inherentability to clock personalities but the truth is I do vaguely remember those bus rides, and it was never about the clothes or the hair or the smell, but more because everyone "strange" asked interesting questions and listened to what I had to say and seemed to think about what I said while the neat and tidy and rigid folks only ever acted like they were going through the motions, which was boring as hell and also pretty annoying

No Doubt spinning in their graves hearing people overuse “I’m just a girl”… and they’re not even dead yet!

HE PUT IT INTO WORDS💞💞💞💞💞