shut up gray

09/04/2026 • every time @softinvasions writes a villanelle about how sonnets suck i write another suckful sonnet*. metrical malpractice!

Lost my mind a little and added (if my math is correct) 5,615 beads to Nim Teasdale's Odenwald pattern. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing!

The goal was “soothingly weighted but not uncomfortable to wear, even as someone with chronic pain.” It could have been a little heavier, so maybe I’ll make a shawl with larger beads another time, but I’m very pleased with this one. I used size 6/0 seed beads, applied as I go with a .6mm crochet hook.

Yarn-wise, used 2 cakes of YarnArt Flowers. I knitted the fully purple sections from both, then knitted all the way through the yellow-oranges with a single ball. When I hit the beginning of red-oranges, I used yarn from both cakes, alternating between them. (Not the entirety of both, I played it by ear to make sure I made it through the full rainbow.)

I do have edited charts with bead placements. I will only share them with Nim's permission.

The Moon from the International Space Station,

through Earth's blue skies.

Out of the near-infinite reasons of the past, present, and future, how many of them could have been caused by your actions? Every choice you make is less than a molecule in an ocean of cause and effect.

Yes, there was a reason for the earthquake, flood, or cancer. But it's not your fault. A bullet falling from the sky does not seek out someone who deserves to die. A drunk driver doesn't veer off the road to hit a teenager who just had sex for the first time. Glaucoma doesn't descend on sinful eyes.

Pain and tragedy is not sent to punish or bring glory to a higher power. It simply happens because somewhere in a line of collapsing dominoes, physics and biology tipped one over. There is no moral path that makes you too good for this world, nor too evil. The world simply is.

People have reasons to hurt each other. A dog will bite that hand that feeds if it is also the hand that beats. But then that dog will bite an innocent stranger because biting is all it knows.

Everything happens for a reason. Anything can be traced backward in time to an origin, and more often than not that origin is random, innocuous, and completely amoral.

A butterfly's wingbeat is a reason. There is no lesson to be learned, nor action to be taken. Tearing the wings off every one will not stop a hurricane. Terrible and beautiful things will continue to happen, as long as the world exists. The only thing we are destined to face is the indifference of the universe.

coda

But Elmo, after cheerfully surrendering his old toys, sees that the children who swapped toys with him are playing with his toys “wrong”! They’re imagining entirely different make believe scenarios! They’re pretending the football is a dinosaur egg instead of a rocket ship! Aaahhhhh!!!! And this is so distressing to poor Elmo that he does the unthinkable: He does swapsies-backsies and takes all his toys back!

This being Sesame Street, he learns that you can’t control how other people play pretend, but you can join in if you want to! And if you don’t want to, that’s ok, you can just play pretend your own way by yourself or with someone else who wants to play that way too. You can still be friends with people who play pretend differently than you (and aren’t being mean/harmful/etc, do not bad-faith-read this 🤨).

Doch as an adverb

In this function, doch can mean anyway, nevertheless, regardless, nonetheless, although, still, yet, though, but, after all.

Sie ist dann doch gekommen. (She came after all.)

Das war spät, doch nicht zu spät, hoffe ich. (That was late, but not too late, I hope.)

Freundlich, doch bestimmt, verweigerte er der Gruppe den Eintritt. – (Politely but firmly, he denied the group entry.)

Doch as a response particle

In this function, doch expresses a contradiction when answering yes/no questions that contain a negation, affirming the fact negated in the question. This is the amazing function of doch most commonly referred to when mentioning it in a blog post, being the third German response particle besides yes and no.

„Du willst ihn aber nicht heiraten?“ – „Doch.“ ("But you don't want to marry him?" – "Yes, I do.")

„Hast du sie nicht angerufen?“ – „Doch!“ ("Didn't you call her?" – "Yes!")

"Das hast du wohl nicht gedacht, dass das funktioniert, oder?“ – „Doch!“ ("You probably didn't think that would work, did you?" – "Oh, yes, I did!")

„Es ist nicht zu spät, oder?“ – „Doch!“ ("It’s not too late, is it?" – "Yes, it is!")

„Ist keiner zu Hause?“ – „Doch!“ ("Is no one home?" – "Yes, there is!")

Doch as a modal particle

Here it becomes even more complicated because in this function, doch can have three distinct meanings that—depending on the context—partially contradict each other.

1. Doch as an emphasizing or intensifying particle

Firstly, doch may emphasize and intensify—for example, a fact, a question, or a request.

Ich würde ja gerne kommen, aber ich habe doch eine Verabredung. (I’d love to come, but unfortunately I already have an appointment.)

Nun ist es aber doch ganz schön spät geworden. (It has turned out to be quite late after all.)

Du hast doch gefragt, oder? (But you did ask, didn't you? [said in a slightly exasperated tone])

Komm doch mal her, mein Freund! Was ist das hier? (Come here a moment, my friend! What is this? [said in a stern voice])

2. Doch as a softening particle

Secondly, doch may soften the tone and make it friendlier—for example, turning a command into a wish or a suggestion.

Lieber Frühling, komm doch bald herbei! (Dear Spring, please come soon!)

Bring doch gleich etwas zu trinken mit! (Why not bring something to drink while you're at it? [Side note: the particle gleich is translated as "while you're at it" here, implying that the person talked to has gotten up to fetch something else.])

Schlag doch zu! [ironisch] (Go ahead, take a swing! [ironic])

Mach doch was du willst! (Do what you want! [I'm tired of arguing with you.])

3. Doch as a reminder of a known fact

Thirdly, doch can express that what is being stated is known or indisputable. In this sense, it is used almost exclusively in written language—and only very rarely in colloquial speech—specifically and obligatorily in causal clauses with verb-first word order.

Er hat sie sehnsüchtig angesehen, liebte er sie doch. (He gazed at her longingly, for he loved her.)

Danach zog sie aufs Land, wollte sie doch dem Lärm der Stadt entkommen. (After that, she moved to the countryside, wanting to escape the noise of the city. [Doch is not translated here; in this piece of literature, it should have been made sufficiently clear beforehand that she loathed city life.])

"..And as she knelt before him her tears fell upon his feet like rain upon stone; and Mandos was moved to pity, who never before was moved, nor has been since."

And it's that thing where you mentally place yourself as the second, auxiliary party to someone else that you consider to be "In Charge" of whatever space or occupation or responsibility you are assigned to

And when you are IN that mindset, it *feels* like you're being responsible. It *feels* like you're being respectful, and helpful, and contributing to the load.

But what you don't SEE- because it *feels* like deference- is that the other person who you're seeing as The Authority you report to- by being assigned that role, has also been assigned the invisible load of BEING YOUR MANAGER.

This is by FAR most commonly seen in husband-and-wife relationships, where the man says, "just tell me what I can do to HELP- you don't have to do it all by yourself, but it's like you won't even tell me when you NEED help. You just do everything and then get mad at me for not doing it first. I can help clean. I can help with the kids. I can help"

But I also see it- and am guilty myself of doing it- at work, at school, in public- that mental, "this is THEIR space, and i will be respectful and helpful to THEM"- without realizing that subservience in this manner isn't actually a good thing. That it actually shifts the burden of responsibility to the other person. That aspect was totally invisible to me.

I didn't understand that when I was told, "if you see something that needs to be done, just DO it", or, "take the initiative", what they ACTUALLY meant was, "I am not above you", or "you have equal say in what kind of environment you want to live or work in", or "I do not want full control over what happens here, I do not want to order you around, I do not want to be in charge, what I WANT is to co-command WITH you"

Being in The Assigned Authority position NOW, that is all so much clearer.

I am the senior member of my team at work, and now, every time I train a newbie, every time I finish catching them up to speed and giving them a list of everything that needs to be done, my next big hurdle seems to always be, "now take pride in the space when I'm not around". "Now don't assume I'll tell you when something is due or what orders to plan things in".

Now, having been on both sides of the struggle, I can appreciate the sticking points here

TO THE PERSON "IN CHARGE": The person deferring to you doesn't understand the invisible labor you're doing. They genuinely believe you know more, you WANT more, you see things they don't, and that they are being respectful and good by staying out of your way and waiting on your orders. THAT is the bit that's not clicking.

TO THE PERSON "WANTING TO HELP": "Help" implies that you are providing assistance to a problem that belongs to somebody else. Stop thinking like that. Understand that the problem belongs to BOTH of you equally, and consider what kind of shared space you BOTH want. What is your SHARED GOAL? Not THEIR goal, but a goal that belongs to you too. Own your space.

This is not a Commander-Lieutenant problem. This is a Partnership problem.