Misc. Life

***

True surprises were rare when one was already a few centuries old, had a hoard large enough that most of it had lost its shine and generally only got into contact with people in order to eat them. In fact, this particular two-legged specimen of walking stupid was entirely lacking in armor or even a cloak to keep warm.

Was this no attack, then? No moronic attempt at beheading ‘the beast’ or ‘the fire-breathing, toad-bellied lizard’ as the last one had been fond of shouting before his demise? A very crispy demise.

See, there were only two reasons to approach a dragon’s den, 1, people foolishly wished to slay the dragon or 2, they foolishly wished to steal from the dragon. Tilting her head to the side, the dragon briefly considered simply gobbling the unexpected visitor up. Humans usually didn’t taste as good as bears did, but they had a nice bit of crunch to them and if they were dead beforehand, they didn’t attempt any of that ridiculous, high-pitched screaming.

On the other side, why had this one braved the ancient forest full of bloodthirsty creatures followed by the tough, deadly climb up the mountain and the freezing temperatures this high up? Look, nowhere in history was it said that dragons put their dens anywhere convenient for invaders.

The human had been polite at least, so it probably was the height of rudeness to chew her up as an afternoon snack. Reaching out to pinch the back of the ragged tunic between two claws, the dragon gingerly lifted the human and carried her deeper into the den. Not too deep of course, not to where the treasure laid, but away from the icy winds at least.

Dropping the human down on stone the dragon warmed with a slow, steady breath of fire, the dragon settled down as well, staring and waiting patiently.

***

Look, you hadn’t meant to figure out your roommate was most likely the newest villain - you were, like, eighty-three percent sure. You had lived your life, minding your own business and your roommate, who had moved in about half a year ago, had done the same. You got along rather well too, they didn’t bother you, took care of their chores and you never once had to worry about money. 

They were also a far better cook between the two of you and you had come home a number of times after a stressful shift to find warm, delicious food waiting for you. They left some sweet notes too! Some wishing you a good day in the morning, some telling you to have a good evening after work, some telling you they had taken care of the trash unprompted because they noticed you had a stressful week.

You hadn’t wanted to notice anything wrong. Not with such a sweet, kind and considerate roommate. Especially after the last one two had been pricks, one too lazy and the other constantly trying to wriggle out of paying their share.

The first thing you noticed, in a way, had been the strange gloves your roommate had once forgotten on the kitchen counter. You had barely gotten a good look at them, before they had rushed out of their room, clothes thrown on haphazardly. They had snatched them up, muttering something about needing to give them back to a friend, giving you a frazzled smile, and they had left again.

Weird, but okay. You had once looked after your best friend’s art project - which had been a giant monster foot - and well, that one had looked really, really strange.

Other minions did their jobs so much better and you didn’t want to fall behind. You really liked working for Nightshade, she was the best boss anyone could ask for, always paying you fairly and on time and she made sure everyone had adequate health care. Even dental care!

Horror swept through you when you watched Starcrusher fall, half his head splattered across the wall behind him, his body making a strange, slightly wet thud as it hit the floor. Your hands trembled, making the weapon in your grasp rattle faintly.

There was a sudden, startled hush spreading through the bank lobby and you ripped your gaze away from Starcrusher towards Nightshade, ready to plead and apologize. Your chest was so tight it felt as though a giant was trying to crush your ribcage to pieces.

All eyes were on you, but before you could do so much as make a noise, the heroes roared in outrage and lunged towards you.

Minions usually were considered as background characters, the ones heroes sent their sidekicks and new recruits to fight. You had never been forced to survive the full power of the high ranking heroes, ready to tear you apart.

140 MILLION YEARS BACK.

If you don't know how far that is, that's basically the start of the cretaceous. Let me simplify that for you even further. Chimpanzees and humans seperated, what, 5 or 6 million years ago?

This is basically like if humans could hybridise with THESE THINGS.

This is the sort of thing that should be impossible. They used those eggs to be ABSOLUTELY 100% SURE NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.

And then THEY GOT FISH OUT OF IT.

Like. You can quite clearly understand why they didn't think anything would happen. WE ARE MORE RELATED TO BLUE WHALES THAN THESE THINGS.

THE AMERICAN PADDLEFISH AND THE STURGEON ARE SO COMPLETELY UNRELATED THAT THIS IS NOT PLAYING GOD. IF ANYTHING THIS IS AN ACT OF GOD.

THE SCIENTISTS HAD NO BLAME IN THIS BECAUSE NOTHING LIKE THIS HAD EVER HAPPENED BEFORE

THESE THINGS, FOR HYBRIDS, HAD A REALLY HIGH SURVIVAL RATING. LIKE 70% OF THEM SURVIVED.

To put that into perspective, getting a blue whale and a squirrel and trying to hybridise them is more sensible, and that wouldn't produce anything but getting you banned from science. Most animals that aren't plants can barely hybridise two degrees away from each other.

BUT THESE TWO ENTIRELY UNRELATED FISH create PERFECTLY HEALTHY HYBRIDS.

And as you can see it is not like instant death, they too are just animals and they are often just gently curious about the presence of humans! But people who study and dive with sharks will tell you you're safe as long as you stay calm and know what you're doing. The world's leading professional night divers and experts on these squids, specifically??? Stress in every interview and article and paper they write in that you simply do not fuck around with these squids. They know what they're doing and they still all have at least one story of being attacked, in some cases having to be hospitalized. Considering just how rarely anybody puts themselves in the pitch dark nighttime ocean on purpose, let alone during a squid feeding frenzy, it sounds like they're quite a bit more likely to consider you potential food than other marine predators. We also don't know how many fatal attacks might have ever happened, because what humboldt squid like to do with large prey is just drag it away into the darkness forever. The two worst attacks ever proven involved two or three squid at a time latching on to a diver (in BOTH cases they were professionals and knew the risk!) and jetting straight downward with enough force that both divers suffered injury from the sudden pressure change alone, including burst eardrums, nearly passed out and they probably would have died if they hadn't broken free. In general, people who die drowning in the dark open ocean are either never found, or they're found in pieces picked over by enough scavengers that the precise cause of death can only be narrowed down to "the sea." But now you know ONE of "the sea's" possible murder weapons :)

There's a short section on Humboldt squid in Wikipedia's entry for Cephalopod attacks on humans:

And if you can get past some of Animal Planet's hokey presentation style, this video includes a bit of interview with one of those professional experts who still got nearly squidded from existence:

There is of course some debate about all this, with some arguing that all proven documented attacks occurred on people with reflective diving equipment, which they say the squid must have mistaken for the shine of fish. However, there are lots and lots of people who have to fish around these squids to survive, who do not have access to that kind of equipment, and also have a consensus that if you fall in the water when big squids are out hunting you might disappear without a trace or perhaps just get your head bitten open. With many modern science guys agreeing with this sentiment, this is one case where the "they're just misunderstood sea friends" crowd is kind of outnumbered. The sea at night is theirs and not ours is all. It's not ours during the day either but since we are neither marine nor nocturnal animals we are double fools in the eyes of the squids, which by the way are these eyes:

No for real:

Also because I can't reblog every addition together:

@failbettergames

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