im max. maxmaxxing. max4max. if you will

the woke left: young and fashionable. visible tattoos. often enjoys matcha, lavender flavoring, oat milk, and cold foam. pretty decent customers.

sweet old man: drinks very sweet iced lattes, pays in cash, puts all of his change in the tip jar. sometimes orders hot coffee and i get scared that his shaky old man hands will spill it and he'll get burned but that has not yet happened and god willing never shall.

evil old man: only wants drip coffee and declares it ridiculous that any other form of coffee exists. some variants only want americanos and these variants are even scarier. watch out.

sweet old woman: might need her daughter's help to order but is very bubbly and open to trying new things. compliments baristas freely and frequently.

evil old woman: does not want coffee and only wants sweet tea or soda. will not tip even if she spends three hours in the shop repeatedly asking baristas to fetch things for her.

errand husband: either stiltedly recites an order to you or shows you the order in their texts/notes app. needs to step out of line and make a phone call if you ask any follow-up questions.

grindset girlie: always wearing scrubs, an apron, and/or a name tag. orders the exact same thing every day and knows the exact change she'll need to pay for it. her regular order is both extremely caffeinated and extremely sweet.

#mamabear: is actively wrangling two to four children while ordering. order changes repeatedly because the children cannot decide if they want a muffin or a cookie or apple juice or chocolate milk etc. for some reason these women are always wearing an article of clothing or carrying some personalized item that says "mama" on it.

schoolchildren: band of two to eight adolescents hanging out after school. extremely indecisive but generally quite polite and tip well.

amnesiac in love: grown adult who needs their partner to tell them what they like. gets asked a question about their own preferences and turns to their partner to answer for them. generally acts like a shy child looking to their guardian for behavioral cues if you try to interact with them and only wants to talk to mommy i mean their wife.

I'm the author of the former Muppet Joker blog and character. You may know me from my silly fictional scenarios and pretend muppet fixation.

"Pretend."

Oh, how the mighty fall.

It started as a bit, but unfortunately the personality traits and, ahem, interests of my Muppet Joker character began to infiltrate and eventually take over my life. My wife was sickened by my Muppet Lust and left me, taking our son. I was fired from my job because I kept Joker Laughing at the customers.

I am trying to fight the monster I have created within me and I am losing the battle. But at least I am in speaking terms with my beautiful wife again.

No longer am I posting "in character," but as my true self with the raw, messy account of my life. Yes, some aspects are exaggerated, like my job at the Dangerous Chemical Factory (...it doesn't JUST sell dangerous chemicals. It also sells deadly sharks).

There will not be a comedically elaborate DNI. That was childish and not representive of who I am. Instead, I will eventually be attaching a flow-chart to more clearly illustrate who is and is not allowed to look at my posts. Please read the whole thing before interacting.

Yes, it was a Bit. But it's not a Bit anymore. You think I would lie to the internet? Twice?

Anyways. Enjoy the madness. And... Heh.

Run while you can.