Connecticut Demon Wife

SMOKED SALMON IS THE ONLY THING THAT NUMBS THE PAIN

The German language was invented in a lab in 1976 specially to sound good in industrial songs

If you see me accidentally blog to the wrong account no you did not

God I wish I could move diagonally

What the hell man

genuinely I cannot fathom trying to use Tumblr like any other social media. I just thought to myself “why does Tumblr even have a ‘Best Posts First’ feature? why would I want to see good posts?” and then I had to stop and consider that for a second

where's that post of someone getting a letter from their bank like "dear keith we realise you're just taking the piss but every time you venmo your mate for 'al-qaeda training camp' we do have to, by law, fill out a lot of boring paperwork for the police so we'd really appreciate it if you'd stop doing that"

imagine being the poor bank employee that had to write this 😂 like was it assigned to them or did they go hey maybe instead of resigning ourselves to repeatedly wasting time investigating this shit we should just? ask them to stop? has anyone tried telling them they NEED TO STOP

man sometimes friendship really is just "I saw this and knew it would give you psychic damage. please respond with agony" and then they do. and it's great

the thing is, it’s never too late for anyone to start over except me. I’m doomed and it’s over for me

does anyone else have parents who suck in objectively funny ways

im going through some bullshit someones homestuck fankid would experience

those coconut crabs shot amelia earhart’s plane down because they were misogynists.

there is always some fucking laundry and dust and some other shit