Connecticut Demon Wife

where's that post of someone getting a letter from their bank like "dear keith we realise you're just taking the piss but every time you venmo your mate for 'al-qaeda training camp' we do have to, by law, fill out a lot of boring paperwork for the police so we'd really appreciate it if you'd stop doing that"

imagine being the poor bank employee that had to write this 😂 like was it assigned to them or did they go hey maybe instead of resigning ourselves to repeatedly wasting time investigating this shit we should just? ask them to stop? has anyone tried telling them they NEED TO STOP

man sometimes friendship really is just "I saw this and knew it would give you psychic damage. please respond with agony" and then they do. and it's great

the thing is, it’s never too late for anyone to start over except me. I’m doomed and it’s over for me

does anyone else have parents who suck in objectively funny ways

im going through some bullshit someones homestuck fankid would experience

those coconut crabs shot amelia earhart’s plane down because they were misogynists.

there is always some fucking laundry and dust and some other shit

"vaccines are generally safe and good for the general health of the population" and "under no circumstances should vaccines be enforced through law" are two statements that can and should coexist

#also corporations should not be protected from being sued if their vaccines injure someone

this is what upstairs neighbors have

Congratulations buddy that’s the worst anyone’s ever done it

I need people to understand that if I reblog a post, it's almost never accidental and is in fact intended to spite and harm them personally, directly, and tangibly, in keeping with my irreparably evil nature.

I also spend 100% of my income from tumblr posts on donations to paramilitary death squads who exclusively target starving orphans. Just for the record.

It's actually less unethical than I'd like it to be because it ends up reuniting the ghosts of the orphans with the ghosts of their dead parents. I'm still workshopping it.