Connecticut Demon Wife

does anyone else have parents who suck in objectively funny ways

im going through some bullshit someones homestuck fankid would experience

those coconut crabs shot amelia earhart’s plane down because they were misogynists.

there is always some fucking laundry and dust and some other shit

"vaccines are generally safe and good for the general health of the population" and "under no circumstances should vaccines be enforced through law" are two statements that can and should coexist

#also corporations should not be protected from being sued if their vaccines injure someone

this is what upstairs neighbors have

Congratulations buddy that’s the worst anyone’s ever done it

I need people to understand that if I reblog a post, it's almost never accidental and is in fact intended to spite and harm them personally, directly, and tangibly, in keeping with my irreparably evil nature.

I also spend 100% of my income from tumblr posts on donations to paramilitary death squads who exclusively target starving orphans. Just for the record.

It's actually less unethical than I'd like it to be because it ends up reuniting the ghosts of the orphans with the ghosts of their dead parents. I'm still workshopping it.

#I stg tumblr ads are on a different level#the most batshit things I see on a daily basis

Punk is about supporting your local libraries and throwing hamsters into a river

You gotta get the hamsters to skip along the river like stone if you just chuck them and they sink immediately that's emo, not punk

Because Catholicism and by extension Christianity are so big and normal I don't think a lot of people consider how strange the Vatican is just conceptually. Like yeah in the capital of a long-dead empire there's an opulent temple district that acts as it's own sovereign nation, still speaking the dead language of that empire for their rituals, ruled by a prophet-king chosen by a secret conclave of the high priesthood. Yeah his followers eat a lot of fish in the spring.

functionally suicidal character saying “I would die for you” to their significant other and its like. I get the sentiment, honey, but if a hot dog vendor told me he’d sell hot dogs for me, I wouldn’t feel very moved now would I

Now a functionally suicidal character saying “I will live for you”. Now that’s a dynamic I can sink my teeth into.

now how about a functionally suicidal character saying "I will sell hot dogs for you"

Hotdog vender lays down their life to protect their suicidal partner, who then takes over the hotdog stand to carry on their memory...

It's like talking to a 2010 Old Spice commercial with you people