maisisat

August was such a difficult month for me. I didn’t expect it to be so hard. I was contemplating just throwing in the towel for a good few days straight. Maybe I was being soft but I was so so tired of myself and everything.

A friend shared with me before that he had such a long string of bad luck that he honestly believed someone had cursed him. That was how I felt this August. It felt like I couldn’t do anything right, and I was so tired from the sheer amount of work and my own incompetence. And what made it worse for me, I think, was that everyone could see how badly I was doing. I am a very easily embarrassed person and the knowledge that all eyes were on my every mistake stressed me out so much. All I could think of was how badly I was doing.

I felt close to tears all the time. I ended up crying in the taxi home from work. I mean I had already been sniffling in the lobby before I got into the car. I was getting over it a bit already, like calming down and I covered my eyes with my hand. The driver asked if i was tired after a long day and that really just broke me there. I started crying again and in this awful, shaky voice I told him I was so tired. It was just awkward and painful so I called K and cried harder.

It’s a surreal feeling to be crying in the backseat of a car. The driver turned up the radio – this Chinese pop station, this act of kindness so he could try to pretend to not hear me. And it felt pretty much like a shitty movie that I didn’t want to be in.

I felt like I had what I wanted, and it turned out it wasn’t what I wanted at all. Like, what I thought to myself was what the fuck is the point of a pretty building if I’ve been so miserable here day in and day out for a week straight and it was all self-inflicted. If only I was a better person or a more capable person. I knew what I wanted but I didn’t know how to get there. And I’ve been feeling like this for so long, I’m not sure anymore if I can be any better, maybe this was just the extent of my abilities.

And sometimes, I dread coming into work in the morning. Which is a feeling I’ve had before and I don’t want to have. I’m not asking to love what I do, but I’m so tired of being frightened to do anything.