Living in a city sucks sometimes cause like where can I go to scream

I’m ripping everything off. Sometimes it feels like I’m taking things too far… that by getting rid of all my vices I’ll somehow discover a truer version of myself. not sure what exactly I’m hoping to find but I hope it’ll bring me closer to finding the reason that I’m here. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m meant for something important… I’m sure thats some sort of American Christian upbringing programming at work but i can feel it deep in my bones. A lot of people tell me that no one truly knows what they’re doing… I’m sure thats true to an extent. But I’d like to know what I am doing. Just hoping all this self-restriction(?) pays off for something or that there is some sort of internal reward or awakening. I guess that’s kind of dumb to expect and I might be setting myself up for disappointment but it’s worth a shot. I’ve got nothing but time anyway… it only takes one day to reverse years of progress so I can always self destruct in the end if everything goes to shit.

I still remember everything like it was yesterday, though I try not to think about it so much anymore.

once ki55ed, twice shy

Why do we feel so hopeful for the ability to change at night yet so completely reset by morning?

quitting drinking was one of the best choices I’ve ever made in every aspect of my life. It was and is really hard that I lost a lot of my social life because I don’t want to surround myself with alcohol and unfortunately that was the scene i was in. But I’ve been spending a lot of time with aloneness lately. Reminds me of when I first moved out here with my mom and I had no friend, except I was so scared of everything back then. I have so much more support in my life now with my loving partner by my side which I couldn’t be more grateful for. But back then I had to put myself out there so I guess I need to do more of that now. You never grow by being comfortable… and there are a lot of things I’ve wanted to try. I want to be a part of something. And I want to help someone else. I don’t think I would’ve ever felt like this had I continued doing the same shit i was doing while drinking all the time. Anyways… wish me luck!!