when did reality become this terrifying?

So, the book constantly points out that Icarus looks and moves like his father. Has been trained to have the same skills. Has the same medical condition. At the very beginning Icarus says he's ugly because he looks like his father and is father is ugly.

(Helios also looks like his father, but other than that I don't think similarities between them are specifically emphasized.)

Both of these fathers are bad fathers and bad men. But Icarus father does love Icarus, although that does not negate the neglect and abuse he put Icarus through.

Anyways, one of their similarities is that when someone they love nervously confesses a hidden part of their identity — braced for rejection — both Icarus and his father Angus have similar responses.

Here we have Helios revealing to Icarus that he's intersex:

And here we have Icarus letting Angus figure out that the person he's in love with is a man (context: they're Catholic but don't go to church because (I think) there aren't Catholic churches in their town, but also the practices of Catholicism Angus raised Icarus in seem... um... off, but I've never been Catholic):

They are both gentle about it, they both are aware of the vulnerability of the moment. Both of them reassure the person they love that this would never make a difference in their feelings, and that it shouldn't ever make a difference, without implying that the person revealing a hidden part of themself had no reason to be scared.

And both Icarus and Angus give the reason that being intersex and queer are normal because of their presence in art history.

There is probably something to be said that Icarus compares Helios to works of art, while Angus compares Icarus to artists. The obvious answer is that intersex conditions (specifically very rare ones where someone has fully developed both form of external genitalia*) have been represented more in art, being treated more as a theological hypothetical or metaphor than a state real mortals can exist in, and intersex artists historically probably kept such info to themselves if they knew. Whereas it's easier to state that historical figures with patterns of behavior were queer than it is to discern that from a single image. But there's probably a more symbolic reading one could get out of this contrast.

I don't have a conclusion. I don't think that being similar in this aspect of showing love means that Icarus is doomed to treat any children he may have the same way Angus treated him. But it's been sticking with me for days and I wanted to show other people.

He was clearly meant to be a father. He was an older brother before his family was murdered, and he used to help his mother with her pains and swollen feet, and then with Alys, he was the only one to have real empathy for the pain of pregnancy. He massaged her feet, got her chocolate, and tried to reassure her that she would be okay, and no one was going to hurt her, even if he wasn't sure it was true himself.

I wonder if he looked at Nina, in pain, struggling, laid back on a boat and imagined pulling her close, imagined her holding a baby girl or baby boy to her chest, I wonder if he ever considered what their children would look like. I wonder if, looking at her, he thought about what their life would be like if and when, they actually came around to having children. I wonder if he was bittersweet, or had to stop himself from tearing up.

I wonder if he ever wanted their child to be Grisha, ior have Nina's eyes, or imagined what it would be like to cook waffles for Nina in a small home. I wonder if he'd want to wrap her in a Fjerdan shawl, because expecting mothers needed to stay warm and comfortable. I wonder if he'd smile to himself when she complained it was itchy.

It was Matthias first and last time of seeing her pregnant, and I wonder if some part of him couldn't help but wish they were older, years down the line, krunge in hand, and actually awaiting the arrival of a little one.

- henry can’t factor

- richard casually abused LSD multiple times at 15

- richard cuts his own hair and does a really, really shitty job

- henry unironically and wholeheartedly trusts ancient science and medicine. richard literally puts his pencil down and blinks at him in exasperation

- henry fidgets with his glasses as a tic

- henry killed a DOG. like it’s no big deal. “i’m afraid i did,” he says dryly. what the fuck is wrong with him im so dead

- they essentially call bunny a fatass

- henry ends by saying that bunny makes him want to kill himself more and more every day

kaz bringing in the newspaper saying 'look at this', slamming the paper down on the table for for everyone to see and announces the headline 'pekka rollins shits himself in the harbour'. it's just instinctual to read it out, even though everyone else at the table can read what it says

kaz going to restaurants with the crows and handing wylan a menu saying 'they've got that herb chicken you like'. then he scans it again and points to a couple of things that he also knows wylan likes, and it's so causal and conversational and wylan doesn't feel scrutinised, or as though he's being looked after

(kaz also starts point out things the others like before remembering that they can read the menu and then just stops talking)

kaz and wylan going to coffee shops and kaz goes 'what do you think you're gonna get' before they get there so that wylan doesn't panic inside the shop. and he doesn't leave room for wyan to ask him to read things out, because kaz knows he hates doing that. so they go and kaz just says 'you want syrup in your coffee? they've got vanilla, caramel, or hazelnut'

and it's just so easy and instinctual. it makes wylan feel normal, because being read to isnt a big part of what's going on. kaz just manages to easily slip it into conversation without thinking, as though he does it with everyone

(now imagine wylan isn't there and kaz begrudgingly gets waffles with another member of the dregs (he's getting soft) and immediately goes 'what sort of syrup do you like? because they've got apple, strawberry or chocolate, but it does say you can get a mix' and the dreg is like 'i know? the menu is right in front of me?' and kaz just kind of realises that he doesn't even think about doing it anymore)

Kaz brings about the crows and explains the plan. They get in, find confidential info, get out, sell the information for a fortune.

That night, while Wylan is studying TikToks for map drawing, Jesper is deciding to wear a fucking ugly suit with Christmas lights all over it to the raid(he’s just excited to be doing a Scientology speedrun). Wylan warns against it. To no one’s surprise, he wears it anyway

Kaz looks kind of disappointed, but moves on anyway. Nina distracts the guards, and the others are able to get in. She later follows Kaz, who’s picking locked doors and making thorough recordings of faculty only rooms, while Jesper, Wylan, and Matthias continue the way. Jesper and Matthias are recording, while Wylan is finishing the map. Jesper is using his fabrikation abilities to break all of the security cameras and is Wylan’s night light.

They find a dead end room, and Matthias & Wylan get caught, but they’re wearing business casual and are also fucking white so they’re assumed to be new, very lost staff and get a tour of a lot of the more tame rooms.

Almost miraculously, they hear someone else before they find Jesper, though. He continues recording everything, sees some heinous shit, gets caught by the infamous Shannon at the final floor. She looks at him, this black guy in some ridiculous outfit, and assumes that he’s a troublemaking teenager, takes his camera and escorts him out.

On the way, they pass Nina and Kaz, who understand it’s time to bolt. Near the same time, Wylan and Matthias have finished their tour and are at the entrance.

They recount their info, and Jesper reveals that they took his camera, feels kind of guilty. HOWEVER, Kaz reveals they knew this was going to happen because of course he did.

Earlier, the night before, he told Inej to make sure Jesper gets to the final floor, and then let him get caught because he’d never be able to find his way back. He then told Wylan to warn him against wearing his ugly ass suit, but not enough to convince to actually not wear it. He was then to install three hidden cameras on it. Kaz really wanted to use those because he knew Jesper would definitely get his camera snatched like an idiot, but the tiny cameras lit up red and he didn’t know how to hide them AND have them get enough light in darker rooms until Jesper let slip that he was looking for a reason to wear this too-much outfit he got for Christmas. What better way to hide lights than around other lights?

They gather the information and collect it into a document file. It looks like a cute and bubbly Canva slide on paper because Nina organized it.

No idea what possessed me to do this

All my moots are into theater

Commission for @dearestdarling-loveofloves