gay loser nerd

i lied. put your clothes back off, I do actually like sex

theres ALWAYS a relevant XKCD for everything huh

*trying to pitch public transportation to Americans* it’s like a legal form of texting while driving

another heavy handed symbolism moment: my mom has a potted sunflower in the kitchen. because it is a sunflower, it keeps turning towards the light from the window. my mother keeps rotating it so it faces inward because she wants "to see its beautiful petals and have it really brighten up the space!" . the sunflower is visibly wilting .

are you going to tell her or

her masters degree is in biology

Fun fact: for some reason men that compare themselves to golden retrievers on hinge do NOT like being told “bark for me dog”

i've got the kind of eyebags that make people in movies say 'you look like hell, detective. go home.'

the idea that every summer will be as hot if not hotter than this for the rest of my life is unbearable i need to (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health) murder an oil executive

No, that's where they dumped the body of my good friend, Mr. Five by Five. We called him that because he was five feet tall and five feet wide. Perfectly spherical.

you're not allowed to bring wireless devices into classified areas and a security guy noticed a square phone-ish shape in my pocket so he asked me to show him what it was and i had to show him my can of pocket herring :/