自殺

Most days I just want to fucking scream until I destroy my vocal cords.

I’m living in an environment where I can’t feel anything the way I want to, I’m not allowed to be frustrated or angry, so I stuff those feelings down and let it manifest in other destructive ways, like planning my own suicide and lashing out at the people I care about. I’ve so often fantasized about killing myself, but I know I wouldn’t go through with it yet. I’d have to be lower than low. I’ve been there before and I don’t ever want to return.

But the more and more my life turns sour, the deeper l go, and I’m starting to get so tired of waking up every day, tired of living this endless cycle of being some fucking mediocre dude from the middle of nowhere.

I need a change, I need love, I need help, I need someone to legitimately care, just one time.

I don’t know. I’m just rambling at this point.