Your Local Wizard

god if there was a book of forbidden spells I wouldn’t even hesitate

kill them with kindness? wrong, eldritch blast

I don't think "having sex" is important. What's important is arachnid locomotion is controlled by a system of hydraulic compression

just saw a pigeon doing the puffed up courtship dance thing to another pigeon, and as he was strutting around he suddenly stopped for a split second to do a very brief preen-peck at his own side, then returned to the strutting around. and i surprised myself by instantly losing respect for the male pigeon in that moment, like come on man i appreciate you had an itch or whatever but how is she supposed to feel special when you're getting distracted by bullshit like that? which on reflection i don't endorse, i mean those are pretty harsh dating norms i'm imposing on these pigeons, from a total outsider perspective, for no reason. probably not all girl pigeons are as uptight about that sort of thing as i would apparently be if i was a girl pigeon, maybe she even found it endearing who knows, i don't know her. it's none of my business really. sorry pigeons.

Evil wizard tasteful pin-up magazine but it's all photos of like, skinny old goths coyly fingering cursed amulets, long-bearded sorcerers doing the 'oopsie' pose as their corrosive destruction spell destroys enough of their own robes to show some skin, naked desiccated lich king positioning his staff of human skulls just so it leaves something to the imagination, dark knights in full armor just holding their soul-eating blades out in front of their codpieces, orc chieftain who did not understand the assignment and is posing with a monster he killed like one of those guys-with-fish photos. Or maybe he DID understand the assignment. Hmm.

staying silly is all i got left like i got no money no prospects i’m a burden to my parents and i’m frightened

every bad thing in the entire world is due to the dark sorcerer if we just kill the dark sorcerer i bet everything will be amazing something amazing will happen

Squires will see you casting Magic Barrier and proclaim: "The bumbling fool hath not learned to wield a shield!"

A succubus falls in love with the warlock whose soul she purchased but after death, the warlock becomes a way more powerful infernal than her and breaks up with her due to a "problematic CR gap"

the king has abruptly fired 60% of his wizard staff, so he’s about to be abruptly surprised at who floated 100% of his formerly floating sky castle

I heard they're planning to maintain their levitation rites with autonomous constructs from now on, saying wizards are going to be totally obsolete within the season... so, ah, I'd invest in falling island insurance.

(inspects u through a microscope) ewwww ewwwww hahaha woahh ewww (continues looking but starts twirling my hair)

how about you magic the gather some bitches