Yippee!

Mario: [italian american New York Brooklyn accent] HERE’SA MY BROTHA LUIGI NOW TA TELL YA A WHOLE HEAP AND A SPAGHETTI PILE OF INFORMASCIONI.

"You've killed him!"

"Yes, but did he truly live?"

--

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A Richardson's ground squirrel feasting on grasses.

Pepsi would try but still get it wrong

Pepsi would ask if they can call you a slur

Bleach - Shane uses non-bleach cleaners and has to wash his white clothes twice. This isn't an issue until Ilya lends him a shirt to wear. He knows he asks too many questions, and they're just gonna hang out on the couch, so it's fine. He won't grill Ilya on his laundry.

30 minutes later, his torso is covered in hives.

It so happens that hypoallergenic detergents on the global market are typically marketed as baby products.

And typical reaction to a young adult male buying baby laundry products is "oh, diligent young father!"

(When I started seeing a guy and told him that I need to bring my own beddings and sheets to sleepovers because I'm allergic to standard detergents, he answered "okay we're going shopping and you'll show me the safe ones" and took me to a store. Tiny, local chemistry store. Which we thought irrelevant, until we got to cash register. Older woman, who witnessed the whole process of finding baby detergents and presenting them to me for assessment, was positively beaming by the time we got there. I'm 99% sure she assumed us either young parents or parents-to-be and was genuinely happy that I got such an involved partner.)

So... I looked up Canadian hypoallergenic laundry detergents and surprisingly, over half of them is not-babified. But still, lots of them has baby pictures.

(In Central and Eastern Europe, your options are basically Baby, HippieVeganEco and JustTraditionalSoap. And the only category you can expect to find everywhere is Baby.)

(We can safely assume that Ilya, being Russian, will be influenced by this cultural assumption that baby picture = suitable for allergics.)

So...

Shane is allergic to bleach. Ilya lends him a shirt and Shane develops a spectacular rash over whole torso in barely 30 minutes.

A week later, photos of vexed Ilya in the detergent alley of the store hit the gossip websites. Photographed Ilya reads the ingredient list on the back of the laundry liquid container, coincidentally presenting to the camera its front with idyllic smiling baby. Caption: Rozanov Will Be Father!!!

This all goes down during their hookup era. It's not typical to play in Boston back-to-back, but it happens with the games ~6 weeks apart.

During the first game, he tries to ease into the "wanna hang out?" thing by planning a post-fuck snack. Shane's shirt is gross anyway (for reasons), so he can borrow one. He's coming back to Boston soon, anyway, and it's not like they aren't both white shirts.

He realizes he's fucked it about 30 minutes later when, instead of shivering when he runs his hands sexily up Shane's back, he's met with a full flinch.

"Hollander? What's wrong?"

"Oh, uh. I'm allergic to bleach."

Cut to Ilya getting photographed by some hockey-obsessed new mom as he compares detergents with babies on them, and cue Shane getting his heart broken while in LA.

Could be even spicier if the second game is their tuna meltdown. Shane goes over thinking, best case scenario, this is the last time. He's got a baby on the way, and even if he's not with the mom, he'll be a good dad and step up.

So they go in and fuck, and Ilya asks Shane to stay, and he's thrown off. Not only bc they don't do this but also bc... dude you're about to have a kid. This does not feel like the time to adjust things.

But what does he know? Hayden has a ton of kids and things are constantly changing. Not quite like this, but whatever, right? So he takes the nap and borrows the clothes and -

Woah, these are soft. The scents don't irritate his skin, which is a miracle even if he's not technically allergic to regular detergents.

He plops down at the counter, they chitchat, Shane is feeling way out of his depth, so he brings it back to: "Did you get new detergent btw? This stuff is great!"

Ilya is fighting so hard to not beam as he assembles the sandwiches. "Did you not see my shopping, Hollander? Or do you not get news in Canada?"

And he means it as a joke (because how stupid can these people be?) but Shane just goes, "right, for your baby. Uh, congrats, man. Thats great."

Smth smth, Ilya clarifies that he doesn't have a baby and bought the detergent after last time, Shane winds up in an even more intense roller coaster than before ("he's having a baby. But idc, promise" -> "he's not having a baby, I'm so happy. Should not be this happy" -> on the couch adding it to the list of bf stuff they shouldn't be doing).