this book I’m reading on female evolution for some reason uses bill and hillary clinton as examples of the typical differences between male and female vocal structures and the author is like “imagine if bill clinton had a throat sac like an ape which caused his voice to resonate” don’t say that? I don’t want to imagine that?

billiam clinton saying his famous line “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” in a booming voice that can be heard up to two miles away and everyone starts hooting like monkeys and banging their fists on their chests

i have the presence of mind to know one day importing a kei truck in good condition would be the fiscally responsible option and meet all my needs. yet i crave a 1992 shitbox of a ford with a bench seat made of fabric holding enough horrible biological history that it may eventually take on sentience and start asking for cigarettes

i am like an inexperienced dog owner who lives in an apartment and works full time outside the house and the kei truck is the beautiful little rescue shih tzu that would actually fit perfectly in my life yet i am looking at husky/aussie puppies

first 5 faceless emojis are how your summers gonna go

its awesome theres a vampire on sesame street because you need to introduce children to the concept as early as possible

i must not get takeout. takeout is the wallet-killer. takeout is the little-death that brings total obliteration. i will face the kitchen, fridge, and pantry. i will make choices about what to cook and then execute them. when hunger is gone there will be nothing. only i will remain.