Dumb Human Like You

All mothers I’ve ever known were effectively single mothers, even when they had a husband.

a LOT of women agree with this but men like….. universally object its hilarious

Tbh I predict a lot of post covid divorces. This is a very common story.

absolutely incredible how tumblr is arguably one of the most tolerable social media sites right now

@matzahball

For a second I didn’t realize it meant “high” as in a stoner--I thought “High Geologist” was like a rank of geologist or something and he was insulted you would challenge him to naming stones

great poast every one👍

Can’t believe he’s ace

the high geologist has ascended

its extremely unlikely that DB Cooper is still alive (also he very well might have died from his jump) but if he is and if the DNA evidence identifies him thru a relative or w/e i think he should not be charged solely on the grounds that it was pretty dope

I have a simultaneously amazing and appalling memory which means that I’ll remember that months ago you quickly mentioned you collect bookmarks once and then you never brought it up again so for your birthday I’ll buy you a mermaid related bookmark because you brought up you like mermaids once but you won’t end up getting it on your birthday because I forgot when it is

The movie establishes that the phone lines to the house are down, that’s also why nobody is able to call Kevin at home. The movie also establishes that all of his neighbors are out of town which is why he couldn’t borrow their phones. The movie ALSO BEGINS by introducing the main antagonist as a “police officer” which is why Kevin doesn’t trust the cops. I’m so tired of the ignorance. The slander.

FINALLY we’ve reached the time of year for home alone discourse

#he did what he needed to do to survive. then he did a bunch of other stuff he felt like doing (via @hotcrossedfangs) 

home alone is just die hard for kids

25-35 is such a weird fucking age because you’re 100% a bread-and-butter Standard Edition Millennial but the cool teens are like “ok boomer” because you have a Real Job but the actual Boomers at your job are like “I’m not going to listen to a literal fucking child” as they download 16 self-replicating viruses and meanwhile the Gen Xers are telling you to refinance a mortgage for a house you don’t have and you’re sitting there at the Adults Table with the pretty tasty casserole you cooked because you’ve finally figured out how to do that now but everyone is eating the Boomer’s store-bought macaroni instead and admittedly they do sort of taste similar so it probably wasn’t worth all the trouble of cooking from scratch and you’re trying to comfort the freshly-graduated sobbing 22-year-old next to you because she just woke up here and doesn’t know where she is but you have like maybe 5k dollars in a savings account labelled RETIREMENT that grows approx. twelve cents a year and you keep eating dry macaroni while smiling incomprehensibly and periodically blacking out like ??????????

Omg someone FINALLY put it into WORDS

Kid throws up in the backseat and of course he’s gonna use his cloak to wipe it up. Bonus points for looking back and forth between the kid and the road, and who didn’t love his little comment of “Oh, boy.” and “Onboard maintenance.”