liminalmemories

Oh, you know I'm doing some weird magical bullshit with this one.  Now usually I stick Tommy in the torment nexus (if not meant to go in the torment nexus why torment nexus shaped?), but let's give Buck a go around this time.

There is only so much weight Los Angeles can hold (only so many catastrophes and emergencies and death) and when another one occurs, time fractures and Buck fractures along with it.

He is living in Buck Actually and Buck Begins and Buck Bothered and Bewildered and Mother's Boy and he is pulling people (and bodies) out of the rubble.  He's living it for the first time and then again ("I'm not supposed to be here," he tells Bonnie.  "He's waiting for me.").  He is sitting with Mitchell and Tommy is kissing him in the loft kitchen and he is trying to lift the tank off Saleh and he is writhing on the floor and begging it to stop please stop. And then it's always the same: he goes home, alone.

And then there's hands on him and he's being pulled up and out and he's back where he's supposed to be.  "What happened?" Chimney asks as Hen shines a light in his eyes.  "You went catatonic."

"I'm fine," Buck says, and he is.  All of that already happened.  He made it out.  He's going home, alone.

It's dawn by the time they're relieved, and then it's even later when he leaves the 118 (arguing that he doesn't need to go to the hospital he's fine), and it's nearly noon when Tommy, exhaustion dogging his heels, walks out of Harbor to see Buck leaning against his truck.

"Do you want to come home with me?" Buck asks.  "We can talk."

Oh wow... she's at it again!

The Boundary of Love by Luo Li Rong

everything's a road trip fic to me at the moment apparently. OKAY. SO.

buck and tommy, back together, everything's fine, theo's around maybe, idk, on a long school trip or visiting family i dunno man, he's wherever fic writers (or the show, let's be real) send christopher when the grown ups need some time alone.

they realise, hey, wait, we've never actually taken a vacation before, that's weird! they make the initial decision for a road trip over a destination holiday by tossing a coin. and it's fun and silly and they just...roll with it. beach or mountains? toss a coin. ruby's or norm's? toss a coin. turn left or right at the next intersection? toss a coin. who gets to top tonight? toss a coin. stop in this town for the night or keep going? toss a coin.

they're heading back into california, have a couple of days left before they're due home and buck's driving. tommy's fiddling with the coin they've been using this whole trip, an old silver dollar he's had since he was a kid.

"debating dinner?" buck asks.

"heads we swing by reno and get married tomorrow," tommy says. "tails we wait til we're back home."

"i - wh - you found the ring??" buck yells.

"i found the ring," tommy admits.

This is going to be of the ten thousand elopement fics I am definitely pinky promise going to write one day.

Buck and Tommy reconcile but keep it quiet mostly through the process of just not actively bringing it up since everyone on Buck's side are desperately trying to keep their heads above water and don't have energy or attention to spare for anything else.  A month into their rekindled relationship, they think fuck it they love each other life is short why be apart when they can be together, and so they take a week off, figure out the logistics of who is moving in with who, and get married.  Now they just have to tell everyone.

It's a 5+1 (or more like 4+1), with each section from a different pov--Maddie, Chim, Eddie, Hen--as Buck tries to tell them that he and Tommy are married now.  And every time it goes badly, either dismissed as a joke (Chim, Eddie) or because everyone is busy and struggling to balance their work with their family/personal life (Chim, Maddie, Hen) or just disengaged from their relationship with Buck because, well, Buck isn't like a real adult, not like them (Eddie, Maddie), until Buck is like fine I give up.

(obviously this canon divergence would have dire consequences for Ilya, but I'm more interested in the 'driving Shane insane with apoplectic levels of jealousy' angle.)

I have been rotating this for a full 24 hours uhgggg

Okay so. I want to say that, if Ilya got outed, his own jealousy would not immediately be at the forefront of Shane's mind. It would be the pungeant Doritos nacho seasoning on top of the greater spiral that he would immediately enter into. The name of the initial spiral would be "I Have To Save Ilya" and it would, underneath the panic, be wish fulfillment of the highest order. Shane has always enjoyed fantasizing about saving Ilya. He loves to daydream about the rink catching fire and everyone gets out safely except WAIT where is Ilya Rozanov?? And it's Shane who has to run back into a burning building and use his Superior Knowledge of Ilya to find him and he's trapped under a beam or something (Shane read that article about the mom lifting the car off her kid like six times) and Shane pulls him out and then they limp triumphantly out of the rink together and everyone cheers and now Ilya has a reason to look at him like he personally put the moon and stars in the sky. In public even! Wow!

So Shane would immediately go into crisis management mode. If Ilya was outed, I truly believe that it would trigger a chain of events wherein Yuna Hollander woke up one morning to the news that Ilya Rozanov had been caught going down on some rockin' twink (I do think it needs to be Ilya both for the Shane Jealousy Potential and also because someone with short hair giving Ilya Rozanov head would come with almost too much plausible deniability versus the inalienable truth of Dick In Mouth) (An additional aside to this is that Ilya almost NEVER gives Shane head on his knees and it drives Shane crazy that he did that. He doesn't even want Ilya to do that TO HIM Shane loves their dynamic he's just like. Why?? Why did he do that?? The answer is molly) and by the end of the day Yuna's own son has come out to her and in the same breath told her that he needs her help to safe Ilya Rozanov. Because um. Solidarity.

So then it turns into a Whole Thing where the Hollanders are working behind the scenes welding NDAs like grenades to make sure that Ilya Rozanov does not get disappeared to Russia, never to be seen again. The NHL, of course, cannot weasel out of Ilya's contract (Even if they could, the people of Boston would riot--that's their homo and he won them the Cup) so he's protected by his employment status to an extent but the fact that Ilya Rozanov needs to Defect From Russia becomes immediately and poignantly apparent. So there are lots of closed-door meetings with NHL lawyers and immigration lawyers and the U.S. State Department and fucking?? Yuna Hollander?? And probably Farah since Ilya's agent is Russian and blocked his number.

And you know we're just spitballing here so I genuinely don't know what happens but I do know that at some point Shane and Ilya are standing alone in a hotel room in Los Angeles (I imagine this whole thing is taking place over the summer. I also imagine that they're in LA because Ilya is making a Tour of Bisexual Self-Flagellation where he makes various media appearances to drum up the sympathy of the American people and on this day Ilya has appeared on Ellen (Before she was evil) and he actually had a great time meeting Ellen (she wasn't evil yet) and Yuna Hollander was backstage like Dear God These People Are Not Treated Well (Ellen has been evil the whole time)) and in this Los Angeles hotel room Shane is coming down off of mild hear stroke because it is one million degrees in Los Angeles and he runs hot and he's laying on the bed in the cool and dark and just says from underneath his own arm, "I cannot fucking believe you did this."

Which triggers the anticipated argument. Oh sorry Hollander I know everything is always about you/shut the fuck up asshole you know that's not what I mean/okay so what do you/it was FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE Rozanov/YOU DON'T THINK I--

Then there's a moment of angry silence and Shane scoffs and says, "And all of this for some fucking--slut--"

And Ilya grabs his jaw and says, "Oh, that's what this is about. Jealous Hollander."

"Shut the fuck up."

"So what, you think you're the only man I should fuck?"

"Maybe!" Shane yells. "I'm the only one who knows how to be fucking careful! Clearly, I'm the only one who cares! The only one who can keep you safe--"

And then Ilya gets on the bed and bullies his way between Shane's legs and says, "You just want me all to yourself. You are jealous," but his eyes are wild because it's been twelve years since anyone cared about keeping him safe. About keeping him.

And Shane says, "You know I am. Fuck, you make me so fucking jealous I can't even--"

--

“I'm sorry to bother you,” Evan said with an earnestness that was going to be his downfall one day, “but I don't know who else to ask.”

“It's fine,” Tommy said, even though a year's worth of unanswered texts and ignored calls meant it wasn’t. But that was on Tommy, not Evan, who lost someone he had furiously and joyously loved. Tommy didn’t love like that. He spent the first half of his life unaware it was even possible to love the way Evan did. “What do you need?”

Evan picked at the cardboard sleeve on the coffee cup. Despite the fact it was hot and only going to get hotter, Evan had eschewed his usual over complicated frozen monstrosity in favor of just regular hot coffee. “I have a foster son,” Evan said only to them immediately laughed. “Holy shit, Tommy, you gotta control your eyebrows or I’m never getting through this.”

This turned out to be the last year and half of Evan's life, an insane recitation of insane events made impossibly even more insane by Evan's rehearsed tone, like this was a funny slice of life story he was sick of telling.

“And now Theo is living with you,” Tommy said, eyebrows wrestled back into submission.

After six months with Winner's Curse (which I love! and I'm glad we figured out!) @liminalmemories21 and I promised each other: short! sweet! Uncomplicated! And then there were outlines and thoughts and feelings and y'all. Y'ALL. All I want is this:

Everything stops for a moment: time, the air, Tommy’s breathing. His hand is still on the door handle and he looks at it, studies it intently. His skin is dry. His cuticles are red where he was picking at his thumb just a minute or two ago. 

“What?” he asks, finally, because he can’t think of anything else. 

“I said I love you,” Evan says. 

Tommy could’ve sworn he’d said something like “are you breaking up with me?” And yet, when he turns around, Evan’s eyes are full of hope instead of the devastating confusion of earlier. 

“Listen, I know you’re going to start saying something about not being worth it or—or that I’ll find something better, someone better, or that I—that I don’t know what I want, but Tommy, I do know what I want and I’m sorry if—if it’s seemed like I’m only halfway in this because I’m not, I’m all in, I want to be all in with you and I know you have the self esteem of a—a—I don’t know, something with bad self esteem, sorry, I’m not in the right headspace for a simile right now, I just need you to know—no, I want you to know that I do love you and I can see us having a future and I meant what I said six months ago about wanting to see that future with you.”

“I don’t have bad self esteem,” Tommy says, but it comes out as “I love you too.” He takes his hand off the door handle, scrapes it down his face, and takes a step away from the door. “Are you sure?”

Evan meets him where he is, one hand on Tommy’s shoulder, the other making sure the door is still firmly closed. “I’m sure, Tommy,” he says.

wasn't gonna do wip weds bc i recently decided i hate everything about my writing. but then i remembered that im weak for social pressure so thank u internet friends 💖 @sonnywrites @hangmanbradshaw @carlos-in-glasses @actuallylemon @ladyknight1512 @seekstrivefind @stars-of-nixie @decafdino @cha-melodius @theglitteringtrio @shealwaysreads @ozonecologne @exhuastedpigeon @tgmsunmontue @circledwithaheart i promise to circle back to all your posts shortly!!!!

“This is just a ruse to get me naked, isn’t it?” Bradley retorts, but as soon as Jake strips him of his shirt and pushes him under the warm spray, he groans with relief. “Fuck, that feels good.”

“Could have this every day if you move in,” Jake says, crowding against Bradley’s back and hooking his chin over Bradley’s shoulder. He says it like it’s something Bradley isn’t already accustomed to—the shared showers part of their daily routine—but perhaps he’s forgotten in the intervening days.

“Hell of an incentive,” Bradley hums, head tipped back, exposing his throat to Jake’s lips. Then, as if it’s not going to make Jake’s lifeless heart sing, he murmurs, “I missed you, you know.”

“‘Course you did,” Jake mumbles, mouth pressed into Bradshaw’s slick, wet skin. He doesn’t know how to reciprocate the words, but he hopes the passage of his lips and hands can do the talking instead.

Bradley snorts. “Humble as always.”

“I know how to treat you right.”

Bradley reaches for the shampoo, passing it over his shoulder. “Go on, then. Prove it.”

+

As he drives home from Evan's loft for what is apparently the last time, Tommy feels like he's driving from the backseat in a body that isn't his. There's a road in front of him but he doesn't know which one, or why he's taking a left at the stop sign or running through an intersection to beat a yellow light. Everything feels so far away. It's like he's on the moon. Maybe he drove off a bridge and just floated upwards. If he rolls the window down, maybe he'll suffocate.

You're in shock, a little voice whispers in the back of his mind.

He's been in shock before, but every time feels like the first time. He's read that some people get used to it, that it makes a home in their bodies, but he's never figured out how. His autonomic nervous system just kicks in and takes over. It's easy to let it.

That's probably why he doesn't register the hulking creature that darts into the road until it's practically splayed over his hood.

My first thought was that this would be a fic about Tommy and his relationship to his parents, specifically his father.

But then my second, better thought was let's make this a Buckley reconciliation fic told from Margaret's pov. 911 did the typical thing of sweeping away the Buck Begins arc with the throwaway line that Buck and his parents are doing some family therapy sessions and therefore everything is fixed now. Now I don't actually want the show to explore this because you know (gestures at all of s9), but I am so interested in what reconciliation would look like for the Buckleys. Even taking the secret dead brother out of the equation, the Buckleys emotionally abandoned both their children, parentified their daughter, and their son has some pretty serious CPTSD. How do you come back from that? Can you come back from that?

So let's set this fic post the Madney episode. Margaret and Philip are back in Pennsylvania and Margret is struggling with Buck dating a man, not because she's being homo- or biphobic, but because she can't remember if Buck ever came out to her and Philip? There is a giant pit where Buck's childhood should be. There were so many times in those handful of sessions where Buck would bring up some incident from his childhood and Margaret didn't recall it. Was this another part of his life Buck shared that she just didn't care enough to pay attention to?

post! breakup! paintballing!

(pretend this is something written in the immediate aftermath of the breakup airing so we don't yet know how the firefam are going to react.)

harbor vs. 118 paintballing has been in the diary for a couple months and buck's like "no, absolutely not, i am NOT going" but eddie cajoles him into it because "c'mon, man, it was your idea, i bet he doesn't even show up anyway."

except, of course, he does. cue buck speedrunning his very own six stages of breakup madness (sadness, wistfulness, longing, anxiety, hope, misery) before landing squarely in so! mad! he cannot! see! straight!!!! he pulls the 118 into a huddle to lay out a brutal plan of war that has them all doing this face 😬

meanwhile, tommy to lucy: "i told you this was a bad idea he's trying to set me on fire with his brain." lucy: "better than you trying to drown yourself in your own misery. maybe you should, idk, try saying words to him?" except every time tommy glances over buck's staring daggers at him.