it sure is fun being private and closed off but just once or twice i would like to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known without it being such a mortifying fucking ordeal

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@lilyevanssupporter
it sure is fun being private and closed off but just once or twice i would like to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known without it being such a mortifying fucking ordeal

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love when parents say "why are you so secretive" as if every mistake i made wasnât treated like a crime growing up
I reblogged this yesterday, but I want to reblog it again. Diabetic ketoacidosis turns your blood acidic and will essentially burn you from the inside out.
The stories you hear of people dying from rationing, this is what happens to their body.
Affordable insulin isnât just a right, itâs a necessity.
No one should have to die like that when itâs preventable with access to proper medication.
First thing you see after you zoom in is how you die
How you dying đ
kitchen sex???!???
comfort sex...?
maternal instinct....
First thing you see after you zoom in is how you die
How you dying đ
kitchen sex???!???
comfort sex...?

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actually hate that the bodys response to anything is nausea. ate too much? nauseous. ate too little? nauseous. an imaginary threat got you scared? be nauseous. on your period? you guessed it. sawed into your hand and need to go to the emergency room? perhaps throwing up into your open wound will be of help
i think itâs a common misconception that shane canât chirp or heâs bad at it or anything like that because truly all he ever does IS chirp.
âyouâll look great in silver vaughnyâ
âwell i donât think itâs worth jumping overâ
âsorry in advance too, weâre gonna kick your ass tonightâ
âfuck youâ (like 30 times)
because really his mask was built around his environment which was almost entirely hockey. all of that is from dozens of times someone said something to him and he had nothing to come back with until finally he figured it out. what he doesnât have a great grasp on for most of the series is vulnerable and open communication and when he finally does itâs a lot clunkier cause heâs not really used to it. those arenât things born and nurtured on locker rooms or on ice â both between the players and the audience â so heâs very assured in his ability to bite back since heâs needed to be for years.
but he doenst INSTIGATE. because another big part of his character is that he canât be loud or obnoxiously mean or erratic and be afforded the same loving reputation that ilya (a white, non-autistic man) is given freely for the same behaviour. he needed to be able to bite back because everyone was always biting at him and it resulted in a situation where most of his responses are, in some form, chirps or chirpish since thats been probably 90% of the interactions heâs had with his peers.
thatâs why scott said he sounded like ilya, because he was instigating, and i think shane only even did it because he felt safe with scott. scott was his mentor who has historically been nice and patient with him and so he was trying to rib with him in the same way he does with rose or ilya. heâs being a little mean, but heâs always being a little mean.
scott saying that wasnât just personal or uncalled for, it was genuinely a betrayal that i donât think shane will ever fully over no matter how much he wants to.
made myself sad thinking about a post canon fic idea where itâs just all of ilyaâs loneliness and depression slowly transferring to shane once theyâre both in ottawa
bc this time ilyaâs the one whoâs part of a pre-established team dynamic. and shaneâs the one whoâs new. and he doesnât just get to come in as shane hollander, new centaurs player, he has to come in as shane hollander, ilyaâs husband and former montreal great, after leaving his previous team on horrible terms
and this time ilyaâs the one with the support network (see the previously established team dynamic) and the therapist and the progress heâs made on recovering from some of the damage done to him by his family. and shaneâs support network becomes increasingly stretched. yes heâs closer to his parents, but maybe that becomes smothering really quick, and he finds that relationship much harder than when they were separated a bit more. yes heâs got rose, but sheâs busier these days and she assumes everything is perfect now heâs living with ilya properly and it Should be like that but it isnât. yes heâs got hayden and jj, but he barely sees them now, and when he does theyâre a constant reminder of how the metros treated him, and maybe having a bit of distance away from hayden (and some time to mull over how the consequences of the fanmail video played out) makes shane realise that hayden wasnât ever as good of a friend to shane as shane was to him
and this time shaneâs the one whoâs just quietly suffering because everything he wanted has become real and it turns out itâs somehow worse than before and he canât say that. not after the stuff ilya has been through. not after how much theyâve both sacrificed to have this. not after theyâve chosen this because they chose each other
and maybe for the first time ever in his life shane gets that first whisper of the stomach churning âshit. so itâs just this? forever? this is all itâs ever going to be until i die?â pessimism that can wrap around a (relatively. donât have time to unpack further) healthy brain and turn it into a sad depressed apathetic one in record time
And I think seeing how well the Centaurs treat Ilya makes it so much worse (which he hates about himself). Because itâs a direct contrast to how his team treated him- even before he was outed. And then he comes and joins the Centaurs and he doesnât get the love and respect they give Ilya (because they donât even know him). So then the issue isnât being in a relationship with your rival. Itâs him. And his parents joke that Ilya is their favorite son. And Boston is still friendly with Ilya when they see him. Nobody on the metros is friendly with Shane except Hayden and J.J. but even they keep their distance because they still have to deal with the metros. And Ilya is frustrated if Shane isnât social/friendly enough with the team, because it brings up his own insecurities.
And all Shane can think is that he is the common denominator. Heâs the problem. And as someone so desperate to control every part of his life, it kills him that there is no formula for getting love and respect. He can regulate his diet and spend hours longer on the ice than anyone else and map out every contingency and all it ever does is make people view him as even weirder. This is a problem he doesnât know how to fix, because he doesnât know what the problem is except that heâs him and thatâs bad. Heâs the best in the league and heâs with his husband and he has a family and a home and it fixes nothing. Heâs finally the authentic self he hid for so long and the world hates him for it.
Itâs hard to be anything but depressed when it feels like youâre the root cause of all your problems.
shane hollander in the long game is kind of theee most relatable and sympathetic character to me tbh. like imagine spending your whole career doing brand deals to make more and more and more money and then you build an entire cottage with that money to make a sanctuary for you and the man you love, so that he can tell you he loves you in a safe place, and you give him a plan for the next 20 years of your lives as a gift to show how much you love him and then he stops wanting the plan and wants to change it things but doesnât tell you so a resentment builds that you canât stop and arenât sure how it started because youâre autistic. imagine winning two stanley cups in a row for your team and being godfather to your teammateâs children and pushing yourself every day to be the best hockey player in the league to make yourself inscrutable in the eyes of literally anyone only to have your team turn on you and say they donât trust you anymore and completely ostracize you over the one thing you kept secret out of fear of that exact ostracization so theyâre basically realizing your worst fears. imagine bending over backwards your entire life to make sure that youâre the best at what you do because you sincerely believe that if youâre perfect enough then they canât judge you for being gay or judge the man you love because how can you argue against perfection? only to realize that the sport you adore and have put your whole life force into could mean absolutely nothing to the people in charge of iy an instant if it meant their profits would drop or if it supported people like you. and on top of that the love of your life is depressed and youâre terrified for him and also confused because heâs angry even though all of this was for him even if itâs not what he wants anymore. and youâre trying desperately to fix everything for everyone only to be met with things that canât be fixed and so you panic and everything starts slipping through your fingers and youâre not doing or saying the right things and you canât stop it. and also you have a man bun.
I was getting pretty fed up with links and generators with very general and overused weapons and superpowers and what have you for characters so:
Here is a page for premodern weapons, broken down into a ton of subcategories, with the weaponâs region of origin.Â
Here is a page of medieval weapons.
Here is a page of just about every conceived superpower.
Here is a page for legendary creatures and their regions of origin.
Here are some gemstones.
Here is a bunch of Greek legends, including monsters, gods, nymphs, heroes, and so on.Â
Here is a website with a ton of (legally attained, donât worry) information about the black market.
Here is a website with information about forensic science and cases of death. Discretion advised.Â
Here is every religion in the world.Â
Here is every language in the world.
Here are methods of torture. Discretion advised.
Here are descriptions of the various methods used for the death penalty. Discretion advised.
Here are poisonous plants.
Here are plants in general.
Feel free to add more to this!

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how mfs looks at you when you potray lily evans as a complex character with both good and bad qualities instead of either a vicious little bitch who deserves nothing but hell or a perfect angel with no flaws :
I hate to say it but Shane absolutely has the type of autism trauma that compels him to make sure Ilya knows he loves him
We see it over and over how commentators and reporters dig into him as a person, labeling him as a single-minded hockey machine from the jump, something we can see has garnered him a larger reputation when people are genuinely shocked by his humor/ quips. People donât expect a human when they interact with the Shane Hollander.
And these characterizations donât just come from nowhere. Teachers who thought he was obsessive, juniors teammates he never connected with, friends he lost because they felt like he didnât care. And thatâs the crux of it all, people think he doesnât care, canât care, about anything other than hockey, so they tell him, because why would he care.
They tell him heâs a bad friend, heâs selfish, unaware, unsympathetic. Heâs cold and distant and uncaring. All the things that break relationships, make people leave.
And itâs not true, he cares so much about everything all the time, but itâs not the right way, not the way everyone wants him to. So of course when he has someone he loves more than anything, it becomes crucial, vital, than Ilya knows
âIlya, I love you.â
âI love you t-â
âNo. Ilya, like, I really love you.â
âYes, yes, and I love-â
âNo Iâm serious. I really do love you, I promise. I love you so much.â
âYesâŚ. Okey, I⌠are you okay?â
âYeah Iâm fine I just⌠please believe me. I really do love you. Iâm not lying. Here. Feel my heartbeat. See? Itâs beating faster because I do actually love you.â
ââŚI think you are having panic attack.â
âFuck, Ilya no, itâs because I love you. I really really do. I can prove it, please, I can-â
âHollander stop. You are having panic attack. Is okay, I know, I love you too. Please take a breath you are scaring me. Come here.â
And Ilya hugs him through the night rocking him slowly and kissing the crown of Shaneâs head and all Shane can think about is how he failed to truly convince himself Ilya.
Itâs okay, heâll try harder next time.
yeah the reason ilyaâs depression gets worse in ottawa is not because he hates ottawa and hates the centaurs. like donât get me wrong it doesnât help that heâs suddenly in a new place and on a shit team. but thatâs not the problem. the problem is that heâs spent almost a decade playing the game of âwell if i had what i wanted then iâd be fixedâ and then he got what he wanted - his dad is gone and he doesnât have to go back to russia or have contact with his horrible brother and shane loves him and he loves shane and theyâre going to be together now - and unfortunately it didnât fix a damn thing
hey
hey friend
dont kill yourself tonight ok
you have a really pretty smile and i know its not always easy to manage one but itd be a bummer if we never had the chance to see it ever again
youre really important and you matter a lot so stay safe and try and have a nice sleep
I would like a moment to thank the people who reblog post like this so that it eventually shows on my dash.
It is keeping me alive
They're at the cottage!!! Finished this just in time for the finale!! Happy watching everyone!!
(For uncensored Shane butt patreon)

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Ilya getting all kiss drunk after making out with Shane for ages. Like curled up on the couch, Shane in his lap, thick blanket wrapped around them because itâs winter and the house is cold but they are so warm pressed together. They both been too sleepy to take it any further- itâs late after a game that ran into overtime, that they both came out of bruised. Shaneâs hands have been in Ilyaâs hair the whole time, combing through the curls, playing with them, scratching at his scalp the back of his neck and Ilya feels hypnotised, dazed from exhaustion and Shaneâs hot pretty mouth and he could die right now and heâd go happily. Ilyaâs hands are everywhere, all over Shaneâs back and ass and shoulders an up the front of his shirt and over his jaw and his ears, thumbs rubbing his pretty earlobes and heâs so hard but content to do nothing about it really, can feel Shaneâs own hardness pressed to him and he heâs so comfortable and his arms are heavy with exhaustion but he canât keep his hands off Shane, wanting to feel him.
Shane pulls back properly for the first time in ages and Ilya whines a little, eyes still closed chin tilted up mouth searching for Shaneâs blindly, leaning in in and he only gets air and he lets out another soft needy sound and Shaneâs hands slide down from his hair to cup his face and Ilya looks drunk, swaying a little into Shaneâs touch and his hair is fucked, curls frizzy and crazy from Shaneâs fingers and his mouth is literally swollen, lips shiny with spit an his perfect cupids bow a little puffy. His fingers are gripping at Shaneâs hips pulling him in in and Shane laughs, sways forward and presses his nose to Ilyaâs cheek and soothes a hand over the back of his head and Ilya is kiss kiss kiss at Shaneâs jaw and ear and wherever he can reach and mumbling come back in Russian and Shane grins because he can understand it without thought and Ilya is nuzzling their faces together into his mouth finds his way back to Shaneâs and kisses him like itâs been weeks not seconds. Shane hums and tries to pull back again only for Ilya to wrap his arm round Shaneâs shoulders, press him closer to him, other hand coming to his face, holding his jaw so he can push his tongue into his mouth and kiss him wet and filthy. Shane shivers because itâs so much and so fucking good and Ilyas moans into his mouth and Shane manages to mumble âwe should go to bedâ between slick hot kisses and Ilya says âokayâ but keeps kissing kissing kissing Shane. They pull apart when Ilya literally is almost lulled half to sleep by the rhythmic pull of their lips and Shane is literally dragging Ilya to their room, Ilya wrapped around him from behind like he is trying to merge their bodies, kissing all up and down Shaneâs neck, shoulders the back of his head.
One of the weirder tendencies Iâve noticed about people who demonize Glinda and sanctify Fiyero is that they donât seem to want to engage with the fact that Wicked is about characters from The Wizard of Oz and that thereâs genuine and intentional significance to that. Itâs not just a schtick, itâs not just a marketing tactic, thereâs a real actual purpose to the fact that it centers on already well-established characters from a story that has existed in some iteration for over 100 years.
Elphaba isnât just Generic Misunderstood Outcast Rebel Girl fighting fascism, she is very specifically the Wicked Witch of the West, far and away one of the most iconic characters in film. And sheâs iconic, because sheâs a caricature. Pure evil. No nuance. Green skin, crazy cackle, setting people on fire, terrorizing a whole nation over a pair of shoes, tried to kill a kid and her little dog too. Completely irredeemable.
Glinda the Good Witch? Same deal, but flipped. A caricatureof pure goodness.Â
And after watching Part 1, so many people decided Wicked was a SURPRISE TWIST THE GOOD GUYS ARE THE BAD GUYS AND THE BAD GUYS ARE THE GOOD GUYS story.Â
Which is so completely insane to me given that right from jump, Wicked is screaming at the top of its lungs âThe concept of Absolute Good and Absolute Evil is NOT REAL, it is a tool used by a fascist regime to subjugate and control the masses.â
If Wicked were a Good versus Evil story, or a Hunger Games-esque Fight Fascism story, Elphaba and Fiyero would be the central relationship, Elphaba as our Outcast Rebel Protagonist, Fiyero as our secondary lead who would presumably show some textual evidence of a grander moral backbone and awareness and aspirations beyond just running away from it all and becoming Mr. Elphaba Thropp.
But Elphaba and Fiyero arenât the main characters, Elphaba and Glinda are the main characters; because Wicked is not a Good versus Evil story, nor is it even a Fight Fascism story. Fighting fascism is Elphabaâs personal goal, and itâs the reason why her image has been twisted and exploited - but itâs not the overarching theme of the narrative itself.
The narrative itself is about Good and Evil as propaganda, not literal moral states of being. Itâs asking you to look at the Wicked Witch, and Glinda the Good, two of the most recognizable icons in film who represent Absolute Evil and Absolute Good, and dismantle both of them.
Not SWITCH both of them; DISMANTLE both of them.
Because both the âWicked Witchâ and âGlinda the Goodâ are creations of the Wizardâs regime; theyâre pawns, theyâre puppets, theyâre caricatures manufactured by the authoritarian government to keep control over people, to keep people from questioning or rebelling, specifically by weaponizing moral panic. As such, both the âWicked Witchâ and âGlinda the Goodâ are just as much the antagonists of the story as the Wizard and Morrible. Because they ARE the propaganda machine.
And the only way to take down the fascist regime is to take apart the propaganda machine, which means taking apart the two most pivotal pieces keeping it together.
Basically youâre supposed to be unearthing the humanity beneath the icon, on both ends of the spectrum.Â
When we first meet Elphaba and Galinda in Act 1, back when they had no idea they were going to become political props, they were both very human - BUT, very notably, they were both extremely armored in these protective facades theyâve been carrying around since childhood. For Elphaba, that armor manifests as brutal honesty, self righteousness, and disdain for social hierarchy. For Galinda, that armor manifests in hollow, self-serving proclamations of goodness, and an obsession with outward appearances of perfection, both physical and moral.
Whatâs interesting about their âloathingâ era is that they loathe each other specifically because they see the human in each other. Galinda doesnât hate Elphaba for being green, she hates her because she publicly took a sledgehammer to the Galinda Is Perfect statue she built of herself and said nah, youâre not perfect, youâre just a person, and kind of a lousy one at that.
In a very weird way, Elphaba just created the first genuine human connection for BOTH of them - Elphaba has always been treated like an inhuman monster, Galinda has always been treated like the superficial embodiment of perfection beyond reproach - so for the first time, these two girls have someone looking them dead-on and saying, no, idiot, youâre human. And because of that, theyâre obsessed with scratching and picking away at the armor of each other. Itâs loathing, but thereâs a give and take to it, even a sense of satisfaction and enjoyment - they want to find the human in each other, even if they claim itâs for purposes of mutually assured destruction.
So by the time we get to the Ozdust, theyâve both worked away at each other and gotten to see the human in each other so well, Galinda recognizes the vulnerability in Elphaba when sheâs dancing alone, when no one else does - when even Fiyero just thinks Golly itâs so super duper cool Elphaba doesnât care what anyone else thinks about her.Â
Both Elphaba and Galinda are at their most vulnerable during the Ozdust duet, because theyâve earned it. They know each other better than anyone, they both see each other as human when no one else does. But this time itâs changed tone - Galinda dances with her because of this recognition of holy shit, this person whose armor Iâve been obsessively chipping away at is vulnerable in the way that all humans are vulnerable, and I did that, Iâm responsible for that, and I donât want to be that person, and I actually admire this person, and care about this person, and I want to fix the damage Iâve done, I need to do something to show her Iâm with her.
Of even more significance is Elphabaâs acceptance of Galinda dancing with her. Elphaba is very shrewd and very guarded and very good at seeing through peopleâs bullshit, so by accepting this olive branch, sheâs also recognizing that this person whose armor sheâs been chipping away at does actually have a genuine desire to make amends, to admit she was wrong, to be better than who she was - to be human, not just a one-dimensional icon superficially beloved by the masses.Â
Itâs not elegant, but from both Elphaba and Galinda, that scene is a slow unfolding of âI was obsessed with hating the fact that you called out the human in me,â to âOh, thereâs a vulnerability to the human in you.â
So now weâve got Defying Gravity, and Elphaba and Glinda hit the irreconcilable differences mark, and they part ways - and the dictator swoops in and uses them to embody an ideal of Absolute Evil and Absolute Good, effectively stripping away the humanity that Elphaba and Glinda found in each other. Thus begins the propaganda machine.
These are not roles Elphaba or Glinda ever meant to find themselves in. And they still love each other, but over time, we see them begin to relapse into their old pre-Ozdust facades in order to protect themselves - Elphaba withdrawing into self righteous solitude, Glinda fixating on surface level adoration from the world, both of them beginning to deny and reject the vulnerabilities in themselves that the other brought out.
The Wizard and Morrible very much succeed in driving this narrative of the âWicked Witchâ and âGlinda the Good,â to the point that both Elphaba and Glinda start to find comfort and strength in these roles as their personal lives and relationships begin to fall apart. Toward the end of Act 2, they have largely embraced and committed to these caricatures of themselves, which means that just like the rest of Oz, theyâve been suckered in by the propaganda machine, while at the same time, literally being the propaganda machine.
The story hinges on their ability to recognize that theyâve become part of that machine, and their ability to dismantle it.Â
I donât know where the article is anymore but I remember Jon Chu said something along the lines of them being each otherâs salvation, which in addition to being the most insane way he possibly could have phrased that, is actually the crux of their relationship. They saw each other as human before anyone else did, then they had that humanity torn away from them, then they took comfort in the stripping-away of their humanityâŚso how do they get it back?
Essentially they have to come back to themselves at the Ozdust. Glinda has to confront the fact that sheâs let herself be ruled by her own denial and fear and need to be adored, and Elphaba has to confront the fact that sheâs let herself be ruled by self righteousness and hubris and the need to be respected, and that neither of them has had any real effect on the state of Oz as a whole, except to serve the narrative created by the Wizard and Morrible. Thatâs the point: they have both been reduced to pawns who exist to propagate the unchecked authority of the Wizardâs regime.
Wicked has heavy Fight Injustice, Resist Fascism, and Stand Up for Whatâs Right Even If Youâre Standing Alone messages, and it does raise parallels to the real world stripping away of human rights and using âothernessâ as a scapegoat to manipulate a disenfranchised populace (Iâm gonna say they were clumsy about it and really lost that whole plot in Act 2, butâŚyâknowâŚthatâsâŚitâs Wicked Act 2 - Dana Fox, you did the best you could with what they gave you, angel, truly Act 2 is a whole mess to try to work with, youâre a hero honestly <3)
But as the audience, you really are supposed to be looking at Good and Evil as propaganda, not a true moral binary to simply be flipped on its head. Youâre supposed to be taking two of the most recognizable fictional images of Good and Evil in media, and questioning the whole concept of Good and Evil, and how this authoritarian government was able to use these young women to embody that concept to further their own agenda, and to what degree both Glinda and Elphaba submitted to it.Â
And youâre supposed to be looking for the human in both Elphaba and Glinda when theyâre at their worst, when theyâre petty or vengeful or self-serving. Youâre supposed to be rooting for them to get free of the roles theyâve been corralled into and come back to themselves, which in turn will allow them to, yâknow, overthrow the government. That is actually the point of this very oddly-paced and inconsistently-toned weirdo story, thatâs the reason Elphaba and Glinda are the main characters, because the evolution of their relationship from beginning to end actually addresses the main themes Wicked has laid out.Â
âŚOr! Alternatively! You can just say Elphaba is a precious pure cinnamon roll whoâs a misunderstood but morally pristine freedom fighter and is also meeeee :D and Glinda is a self-obsessed fascist >:( and Fiyeroâs a noble hero and martyr and should actually be the main character <3 and thank goodness Elphabaâs arc ends in being provided for by a man who loves her so she can live out the simple life she REALLY wants as wife and mother in the story of Anthony Bridgertonâs Adventures in Oz ;) Like genuinely some of you are so determined for Wicked to be about quite literally anything except what itâs about, and Iâm just over here smacking my head against the wall slowly going insane.
^I am aware that this is me right now btw. like itâs fine. i know what iâm about. showin up to tumblr with my clown shoes writin my clown essays. the wicked era is over and iâm still here muttering and shaking my fist at the sky, full clown. this will still be me in the nursing home i fear. do they make nursing homes for clowns. god i hope so.