the libelous ramblings of a filthy teenage dirtbag

I'm in a room with four other women in a hotel in the middle of nowhere. I have state championships for forensic speech tomorrow. So yeah, not even a week into April and I already broke my promise of not blogging every day. But in my fucking defense, I'm just. God I'm just a busy woman meep.

Hi friends. 

So I need to get you up to date, don't I? First let me just say how I'm honored (and just surprised) that I lost only 1 follower and actually gained like 5 new followers after not posting for like a month or so. So hi friends, old and new! Thanks for coming and thanks for staying. 

Okay, so wow where do I begin? Well, The Drowsy Chaperone took over my life, as expected and as the spring musical does every year. It was quite the journey. I went from simply despising it and dreading rehearsal and just having this really negative attitude towards the show and life and all of the humans around me in general, to falling in love with it. Yeah, there were some dopes in the cast that to this day I never grew fond of. But our show turned out simply amazing. It was such a beautiful and extremely well produced, directed, and performed work of art. There really were no weak links in our cast. Everyone sounded superb and all eight leads were unique and special and were absolute rockstars in their roles. I've been doing these high school shows for all four years, and this was my eighth and final production. And boy was our last performance emotional. I started crying while I was onstage during the last scene because the monologue Man in Chair (played by my pal Jacob, who I'll talk about in a moment) has is so fucking emotional and really hits home for all of us seniors. He did such a beautiful job and seeing him cry and be so vulnerable…I can't even put into words how bittersweet and beautiful and breathtakingly heartbreaking it was. I've recovered, emotionally, from it, but every time I think about those last moments in that show, my heart sinks a little bit.

I can confidently say that after making him drive me home after every rehearsal and Snapchatting him all day and getting Starbucks or Chipotle with him at least twice a week for the past month, that Jacob has become one of my best friends. We've always been cordial and very friendly, but this year a true friendship has formed. It is scary how similar we are about very, very strange things. Just little weird quirks and feelings about bizarre things. Bless his soul I love him to death and I'm so glad we became best friends. It's really, really nice to have a close male friend that isn't a love interest and it is in fact a platonic but very happy and content friendship. I think for a while that's kind of what I was missing. Too much estrogen for me to handle. 

While we're on the topic of men, I guess I should tell you about my man-life. I mean, I think we can all agree that's expected of me at this point. Soooo…..I have a boyfriend!

Good god I have to say with complete honesty and sincerity I did not see this coming….I know I keep ending this shit on cliffhangers but I've really, really got to go to bed. I promise I'll give you the complete lowdown with much better detail tomorrow than I would now. 

I'm gonna blog every day this month. Phew, I made it. Four minutes before it's tomorrow. 

Hello friends, yes! I'm back. This happens every year. I get way too involved with my show and then I don't use the internet and everything is bizarre and I live under a rock but

HELLO, I'm back…bitches. I have SO much catching up to do with you guys. I may be suffering from something known as 'I keep staying up until 3am despite the fact I have no homework and I'm just addicted to online shopping,' so I'm not getting as much sleep as I may like to.

However! It is April 1st, it is a new month, the show is over, I'm finally going to clean my fucking fucking fucking room (maybe) and I'm going to write more. 

I also have to tell you guys, I'm doing amazing. I'm so so good. Oh my gosh, Life is pretty good. I can't really complain (Well, heck ya I can, but I won't right now). 

Ah LIFE! 

Hello world! I'm back on the internet! I've been so busy and gah everything has been happening at once but my life is finally just gonna be a little more simple. But I believe an update is probably in order for you guys.

So last week on Saturday I went to the speech meet and competed on both State and National levels. I don't know how the fucking hell this happened but I got first place in every room I was in and I am not only going to Cooperstown after my show is over to compete at States, but I am number one in the district and am going to be competing at nationals in Kansas in June for The National Forensic League (Dramatic Interpretation). I am blown away. I don't know how this all happened, but speech has never been a huge part of my life. And the piece I had I had very little time to actually look at. And I was competing against kids who do this all year and put so much time and effort into it…and I kind of just pulled this out of my ass and am taking nationals away from everyone and I feel kind of bad but at the same time but I'm incredibly proud of myself and now next weekend I'm going to another competition in the city to see if I could qualify for a tournament in Chicago. Life, man!

The following week was hell, though. Without going into much detail, Olympics is a huge huge huge spirit event like no other that goes on in my school every year. Each grade picks a theme and on their respective day of the week, they dress up in costume for that theme (Monday Freshmen, Tuesday Sophomores, etc). And all during the week there is decorations and preliminary sport games because on Friday each grade decks out their corner of the gym in the most beautiful and INTENSE decorations you've ever seen (I can't even explain to you that it's not some dinky high school decorations, like the gymnasium is completely transformed) and all day (there are zero classes) we compete in sports and different events and the class goes nuts and cheers all over the school in over 20 events from track in the hallways to dodgeball, basketball, floor hockey, and handball in the main gym, to even scrabble, jenga, chess, connect four, and class feud (spoof on family feud) in the classrooms. And all the teachers participate and every grade wears their class color and oh god there's frisbee and dance dance revolution and guitar hero and tug of war and, my favorite, lip service. Lip service is the only thing I've participated in all four years of high school. In front of the entire school, students and teachers, you get up in the middle of the gymnasium in front of several teacher 'judges,' and they play a random song, which you must lip sych and dance to as creatively and as well as possible. The entire day is really so great I can't even begin to tell you. It's the only day of the year I really love and appreciate not only my classmates but my school. The only thing though is, Olympics is a week long effort. It's tiring and takes lots of work all week. 

The difficult part came in after the fact that our director is not a huge fan of olympics and was holding rehearsals during olympic practices and decoration meetings. Things were overlapping and I was getting cranky and was spending entire days at my school, from like 7 in the morning to 10:30 at night. I got no schoolwork done, I got no sleep, and as much as I love the show and olympics, I'm glad that one of them is over and one of them is almost over. 

My friends and I were not invited to a single olympics party afterwards and I spent Friday night in a tracksuit laying on Jamie's floor doing nothing until Heather came over piss drunk. She was pissing us off so much and I fucking left. 

Saturday, which was yesterday (yay!) I had rehearsal at 11:30 until about 3 and then…..

I haven't written in over a week. Life has been a nonstop whirlwind and I haven't had a break to relax or write. But I promise I haven't died and I'll do an update soon, probably tomorrow. In the mean time, enjoy this stupid song from Spamalot:

Hi friends. 

Today was better. I got 8 and a half hours of sleep, but I woke up still exhausted. I'm assuming it's because my body just still needed to catch up more. I felt lethargic all through the morning and when I got out of the car for school and felt tears coming on, but they faded away throughout the day and I focused on getting homework and other activities done, so it was good. I spent an entire period working on forensic speech and I am now extremely excited for Saturday. I found out that a really cute guy that I met one year ago at a speech tournament and hung out with at States is going to be in my room and I know he hardly knows me but he is so cute and I'm getting butterflies just thinking about him because, I dunno, I'm excited to see him!

My piece is kick ass, and now it's just a matter of memorizing it. I have a spanish test and an economics test tomorrow, but I figured ok ok fuck it. I'm a second semester senior and I think I can half-ass my way through these tests by cramming during during two frees I have tomorrow. I'm in college and I have a 91 average and don't care right now. I'm wasting time by dicking around on the internet and stuff, but I decided to let myself enjoy myself so I don't get overwhelmed and upset over schoolwork and tests that honestly don't mean shit. When I'm done writing this I'm hoping to memorize the first page and a quarter of my piece (it's three and a half pages long--not too bad). 

I got in a fight with my mom after school today and I was screaming and crying and got so exhausted that I just slept until I had rehearsal. But I'm trying not to think about that too much and put it behind me so I can just try to be a little bit happier and tolerant of all the people around me and make the best of my time here and try to just make it go by as quickly and smoothly as possible.

I was really cranky yesterday and realized that a huge component for my attitude on life and people and mood during the day is my sleep. I need a decent amount of sleep, but also to be sleeping at what is deemed normal sleeping hours of the day. Staying up until 5:30am and getting up at 7am is no bueno. But neither is staying up till 4am and getting up at 2pm. So tonight I'm aiming for 11, 11:30 and getting up at 6:30, but we'll see. I'm trying really really hard to be as positive as my body lets me, folks. I'm trying.

I'm using every last bit of energy I have to write this right now. I'm exhausted and the room is spinning and my body aches and I feel sick. 

Today was a horrible day. I hate everyone and I'm pretty sure everyone hates me. Horrible.

I got an hour and a half of sleep and was in my school from 7:32am to 8:45pm. I actually feel like I'm melting right now and I have so much anxiety and I don't want to be around anyone. Yesterday I was thinking that today wasn't going to be too bad. But I was so, so wrong. I realized how much fucking work I have to accomplish this week, I realized that I have a speech competition that I am not in any way, shape, or form, prepared for (and am actually terrified about) and how much pressure is being put on me, and I realized that I have 2 tests and 2 quizzes this week and copious amounts of work and things to do and I want to sleep and workout and enjoy life but I can't because I'm swimming in commitments and things that need to get done and I'm worrying about how I look and how much I hate my face and my hair and my body and how paranoid I am that no one likes me and I'll never find love honestly I don't think anyone is ever going to love me and I'm starting to think I'll never be successful and I can't think clearly or make cohesive sentences

All I had during the day was a large cup of coffee, three unhealthy chocolate cookies, and a piece of a croissant. I felt faint and the entire day I was sweating from anxiety and sadness and in every class I felt like I was going to combust.

My director is a piece of shit asshole who in the middle of the day decides to have a blocking rehearsal at 3:15, despite the fact that we had a dance rehearsal scheduled for 6:30 already. My mom guilt tripped me into staying at the school in between because she was going to have to skip her yoga class if she had to get me (blocking was over around 4:30). I stayed at school for a little bit before wanting to break down and I needed someone to vent to so I called Amy up and asked if I could come over since she lives a block away from the school and I needed to walk somewhere close and fast. But this ended up being a worse decision because she had to do work on a computer that happened to be in the same room as her entire family, so I was actually forced to pretend I was happy and fine and hold back the tears I had been holding in for dear life. Dance rehearsal was stupid and pointless and I was really losing it at that point in my night. By the time I got home the first thing I did was strip naked and got in the shower and I sank to the floor. I didn't cry. I didn't move. I just sat there dramatically like you'd see some loser in a movie sitting like and tried to calm my thoughts. But they were running wild it was no use. When I shut the water off and was drying off in the cold air of my house, that's when everything really sank in. My meaningless pointless life. The self loathing and hatred and awful feelings and thoughts took over. I hate myself so much and I started crying while sitting naked on the toilet into my towel and I felt pathetic. This is no where close to my lowest low, but it's been a while since I've been this wretched. 

The effort it takes me just to be a living, breathing, person just is so, so, so difficult and I know I am so privileged and lucky to live where and how I live and I could have it billions times worse and I want to appreciate that, but I honestly cannot help but feel the burden and weight of the world on my shoulder.

Hi friends. 

I privated the post I made last night so if you didn't see it, well. That sucks.

Anyways um I've got school tomorrow and a shitton of stuff going on for the next month. The next 4-5 weeks are going to really be hell, but if I focus and -

Hell, what am I saying. I'm a senior and I literally don't give two shits. Tonight I was planning on doing a super cleaning of my bedroom and then organizing all my school books and making a list prioritizing what needs to get done blah blah blah, but I decided since tomorrow is already going to be hell since I have to get up at 6 and I've been staying up till 5 for the past week, I'd just go all in the disaster route and figure out my shit tomorrow.

I have rehearsal tomorrow at 6:30 so I'm hoping that I do get a workout in (I'm actually gonna try this time) before that and maybe work on my english essay for a book I haven't read that's due Friday.

I also have a forensic speech meet on Saturday that I completely forgot about so that's gonna be fun memorizing, too.

I'm kinda in a haze though. I don't feel like a real person. I'm not sure why. I think just realizing that I have so much coming in the near future despite the fact it feels so far away is making me feel all sorts of weird things. I don't know. I'm not happy nor am I necessarily sad. I guess i'm numb, you could say.

There was a huge hockey game today and I lied and told my friends I was sick just so I didn't have to go. This is a huge social event (our team is number one in the state and this was the regional championship game--we won, by the way) and 'anyone who is anyone' (notice the quotes I put around those words-take that with a grain of salt) was there. I chose not to go because I felt like saving rather than spending eight dollars admission and I didn't feel like being around people. I really dislike people these days, man. I'm telling you it's rough. It's weird but it's rough. 

And tomorrow I get to be around lots of people! Yay! vACATION Iz OvER <3

Lots on my mind right now. So first I just wanna talk about my experience seeing Rocky last night. Everything else in a separate post.

Firstly we had killer seats. I've never seen a show in the Winter Garden either, so it was pretty awesome. The theater is old but beautiful Blah blah blah. Ok so this show technically hasn't opened yet, so it's still in previews. The director came on stage at the beginning telling us because it's previews, they're constantly changing things; for example, they made a bunch of changes yesterday so we were seeing a brand new show. So here is me very very excited. They do the opening number, and after, as a set piece is moving on to the stage, it just stops. In the middle of the stage and all the actors walk away. Everyone is sitting there like what the fuck is going on as the title screen that said 'ROCKY' at the beginning of the show comes down and a voice says 'please forgive us, we are experiencing technical difficulties.'

So we sit in our seats waiting for like 5 minutes, and then the show goes back on. Rocky sings a song in a scene taking place in his apartment, and after he turns on the tv. There's supposed two be 2 big screens that come down showing what's on the tv. The first comes down stage right just fine. Then the second one swings out vertically stage left and smashes into the wall.

It was horrifying. There was a projection on it that was still playing and the actors were still in character, but we all knew that something was definitely wrong. So they obviously say technical difficulties again and apologies. They break for like 7 minutes and then the director comes on stage and apologizes and explains that it's a very technical show and they just wanna make sure everything runs smoothly. After the second break the show goes back on and…

It's just UGH it's just so so freaking good and full of energy. They do like 5 or 6 more numbers and I'm getting very very into the show. Suddenly, these 2 walls that are supposed to open while a platform slides out while someone is on it come out. I guess they opened too slowly because the platform smashes into the walls. So they break yet again, the guy apologizes and tells us that for the safety of the actors they're making a minor change that we may or may not notice. Keep in mind there was only one more closing number left in the act. So they go back to the scene and it looks like the walls are now like boarded up and there's no platform and the actor says to Rocky 'sorry for the appearance of the office. We're under renovations' It was a great save.

How in the fuck have I woken up at 2pm everyday this week and how in the fuck is it Friday? I completely and utterly and absolutely wasted my entire break away. Like, fuck. It's gone and I did nothing. 

I'm gonna bring up the list of things I wanted to accomplish over break that I typed up exactly a week ago: 

-Clean room and re-decorate once and for all 

-Write 1 new good song and 1 new good cover 

-Lose 2 pounds 

Get off book for speech

Get off book for Drowsy Chaperone

-Go to atleast 1 yoga class

Design drowsy tshirts

design olympics tshirts

-MAYBE find a job? mer money

This list was an exact copy and paste from a note on my computer. Now, let's see. I haven't touched the mess that is my room, and it's been MONTHS since I've had a spotless room. Write a new song and a new cover? I mean I'm gonna work on that right now as soon as I'm done typing but I played yesterday for the first time in weeks and it wasn't productive. Lose 2 pounds? HA I think I've GAINED 2 pounds I haven't worked out once. Get off book? Lol also haven't looked at either of those in over a week. Haven't gone to yoga and I DID DESIGN AN OLYMPICS SHIRT (our school has this event called olympics, not in any way affiliated or related to The 2014 Olympics at Sochi...I'll get into it another time) but that's it.

All this week I've either been with my "friends" or laying in bed doing nothing or playing fucking neopets like a six year old. 2 days ago there was a hockey game and Katy, Jamie, Amy, and a few others including myself pregamed despite the fact that no one was there, it was a really lame game, and we were the only ones drunk. That was embarrassing. Last night I blazed with two sophomores in the park and then accidentally stole this girl's weed (she put it in my bag and we forgot and then I got home and it was there) so I got really stoned last night and ate a shit ton of food and did absolutely nothing for 4 hours and went to bed again at 5 am. My body is so screwed up from not eating properly and not exercising and not sleeping correctly. 

So what am I gonna do about all that? What am I gonna do about not completing my list? I'm gonna [at least try to] tell myself that this is all kosher. It's fine. I'm on break and after break it's gonna be so so hectic with speech and the show and I'm gonna have no alone time or relaxing time so just take advantage. Maybe tomorrow I'll get the room clean, and if not, it's no worry. It's all gonna be okay.

Yeah, I'm gonna at least try to listen to that advice. 

Tonight instead of going to the Semi-Finals hockey game with all my friends that I'm getting so freaking sick of, my mother and I swiped tickets to 'Rocky' on broadway. Not to be confused with Rocky Horror Picture Show, this is a new musical about Rocky Balboa. I'm SO excited we got really solid seats and they weren't too expensive because the show is still in previews. They were like 98 bucks a piece and I've been feeling very guilty about money, but when it comes down to it, we're paying 200 bucks for a great broadway show instead of 10 for me to get drunk at a hight school hockey game. It adds up somehow. I think. 

One more thing I wanted to mention before I sign up. I know my thoughts have been scrambled and my writing isn't as good as it usually is, but I'm just a little flustered because I feel like I'm gaining weight and getting lazy. But I started to think about something. All my friends talk shit about each other when one of us isn't in the room. For example I shit talk Heather so fucking much because honestly, she's not a great person. Not really, no. And today she posted in the group chat something that I was about to criticize her to in a private text message to someone. But then I realized; I hate all my friends and a huge part of that hatred comes from how shitty they are to each other. So why do I have to be like that? Why do I have to be apart of that nasty cattiness? There's honestly no real reason I need to partake in that. It's making me a more negative person and fucking with my positive vibes. So I'm just gonna stop. Altogether. I mean, yeah, they're still gonna piss me off, but I'm not criticizing individuals any more. And if we're all sitting in fucking Dana's living room doing nothing like we always do, and we're bitching about Diana or Amy or fucking anyone, I'm just gonna either walk away or tell them to shut up. It's so pointless and disgusting and catty and fucking awful and I'm not dealing with that shit anymore.

*I didn't have internet on the train so I wrote this on a word document, and I'm copy and pasting it here now because this is the first time I've  been home since Sunday afternoon*

So I feel a little weird right now because I’m sitting on the train waiting for it to start moving and I am really hoping to god that no one sits next to me because I wanna be on my computer alone. I’m actually really early. I got on the train at 6:15 but it doesn’t leave until  6:34, so I’m just sitting here waiting.

I’ve been saying this quite a few times now, but just to reiterate, I’m fed up with my town and my friends. I am on February break right now so I decided I would use this time to refresh and try to find my real self again. I really hate being a negative person but all of my good vibes are just being shut down. On Saturday night I was just feeling extremely low so I decided to call up one of my closest friends from the city, Gabby. She is always there for me when I need it, despite how hard it is for us to stay in contact sometimes because of the distance. I told her how I was feeling so she told me to hop on a train and stay the night at her place. So on Sunday evening I went into the city and we got some Chipotle, hung out at her house, played some Neopets (I’m 17 years old.), and then around 1am got really stoned. I don’t know what I was smoking but it was so ridiculous we were knocked out of this world. It was so great. We were up until four just losing our shit.

This morning we lazed around on our computers and I was talking about how happy I felt because I was in the city and not my town. The entire trip was great. I love Gabby because she is just so real and always makes me feel great. I’m so glad that I got to spend time with her and get a little high to feel nice and melty.

I haven’t seen Jamie in a few days since she’s been traveling since Wednesday and she wanted to get some coffee so when I get off this train around 7:00 she’s gonna pick me up and we’ll catch up.

I’m still fed up with my friends and I haven’t really devised a plan of how to deal with that yet because I still have five months of school left but since I have break, I don’t have to spend time with them.

Ew at today and this hour and everything. Ew, cooties fuckin everywhere and shit.

I haven't posted in a few days because I got really sick on Tuesday and I haven't been feeling great. I missed school on Tuesday but still went to rehearsal at night, which was brutal. Rehearsal last night was brutal too. Hating this show, hating this cast, what's new, I hate everything, if you guys haven't caught on yet. Today the show was really harsh and we had a snow day. So what did I do? I took complete advantage of not having class and did all of my homework and studied for my 2 tests tomorrow and exercised and cleaned my room and it was great! 

What the fuck do you take me for? I sat around doing nothing. I watched Rock'n'Roll High School for the first time and that was kinda bizarre, but I enjoyed it. Definitely not my favorite. I would probably like it better high. Then I watched Dallas Buyers Club which I'm not even going to get into because it was so fucking good I can't it really was like one of the best movies and acting I have ever seen.

I actually did clean my room a little bit but not a lot because I looked in the mirror and felt fat and ate like 2 plates of pasta and somehow I'm here playing Neopets dear lord what what what what is my life...

I don't know guys. I'm not myself. I've been just super duper absolutely negative and hateful towards everything in my life and complaining about every thing and irritated by every breathing thing that comes within 5 feet of me. But because of this, something really interested has happened. 

I'm really not into Luca anymore. 

Yeah, I know, I've probably declared that 1 or 9 times but this time I'm really feeling it. And I don't know how to feel about that, haha. But he's been texting me from college a lot lately and we always engage in pretty full conversation and I kept telling myself how much I missed him and couldn't wait to be reunited with him but now…Like, just now that excitement is gone. It's all gone. I don't know if it's because he's not mean or rude or annoying to me anymore that I have nothing to get worked up about, or the fact that I'm starting to see him for who he really is now that he's detached from his high school clique of 'popular' dudes. Luca is really like this strange lonely misunderstood weirdo. And I understand him because I know him really well, but most people don't and he just comes off as a dick who thinks he's really funny. And he's not funny. He's an idiot. And he's just not sexy anymore. To be honest what was so sexy about him was going around in secret, fucking in the backseat of his car, pretending we were nothing, sharing glances, having a dirty secret that no one else knew. I would sneak out of my house and meet him at the corner of my street and we would sit there and fight and discuss what we were, and yeah, it was frustrating as fuck, but that was the excitement in my life! 

He's trying a new look for college and someone needs to tell him that it's not working. He's grown out his hair and is thinking way too hard about his outfits. He's not my sexy dirty little secret Luca. He's dorky, lonely, poo-poo, having-a-hard-time-as-a-transfer-student Luca. 

I'm so excited to just go to college and lead him on and then have sex with a bunch of men that are way hotter than him. Because you know what? I can get with really hot men. HE canNOT get with really hot women! 

Not gonna apologize for not posting in a week because I don't care I don't care about anything. Just to catch up, talent show was very good, very praised, senior woods (where everyone drinks in, you guessed it, the woods) was good and I got really crossfaded and the next day I woke up in bed with Jamie and spent the entire day with her in bed because we were hungover. 

*APOLOGIES, I thought this had posted last week but I actually saved it as a draft by accident**

Lately the hour(s) before I retire have been the worst for me, despite the fact they should be the most relaxing. For the past couple of days whenever I get into bed I start feeling really ill. I'm not gonna do bullet points because I feel like that's such an easy way out of writing, but just know my arm and shoulder is in a lot of pain and I have a horrible migraine. Last night after I was feeling sick I went to bed and woke up fine but now I'm hurting again. 

Today was so fucking long. I added two new classes to my schedule. Which means I'm losing two free periods which, for two quarters of the year, I've been used to doing nothing. But now period 3 I have sociology and period 9 (Which is the worst because I used to be able to leave school early because that's the last period of the day) I have economics.

Sociology is actually not bad, I think it's gonna be a nice class. It's me, Jamie, our friend Drue, and then like 10 other weirdos that are definitely only taking the class because they need the credit in order to graduate. But the teacher is so funny and he's kinda old and kinda seems to be a little crazy and off but I'm pretty interested in what we'll be covering in the class, and it's small and nice. 

Economics is going to be a bore. I swear to god, when I got one look at my teacher, I could just tell…This man has never been laid before. He looked young, if I recall he said he was almost 30, so late twenties... wearing an ill-fitting cardigan (Apparently he's notorious for owning lots and lots of cardigans. Maybe I'll start a log), poor lack of a haircut with slightly gelled black hair, awkward stature, and if he shaved his awkward stubble and lost the glasses (the square, I-think-I'm-stylish-but-I'm-also-conservative…no-big-hipster-frames-for-me, kind) he'd be semi-attractive. The way he spoke and brought himself forward just gave off the vibe of "I live in an apartment by myself and I've never had sex before and I go to Comic Con whenever I can." (Nothing against people that go to Comic Con, but…come on).

After Economics we had Senior Talent Show Rehearsal. Until like, 5. And then a break, then back at 6:15 and there until 9:15. And I could really go on and on about this if I wanted to, but it made me so stressed out and crazy and angry and loopy that I just don't wanna go back to that memory. This one kid asked me if I was high.

He legitimately thought I smoked a J before rehearsal. I was so ridiculously embarrassed because there's this one kid that shows up high at rehearsal and everyone always knows because he acts like a goon when he's on stage during skits and I felt as if I had maybe been acting like that. 

But yeah the talent show is a mess and I'm not gonna get into the one thousand and five hundred things wrong and fucked up with it that frustrate me and make me pissed and yeah no not gonna talk about it. Just trust me when I say it's worn me out. I came home and basically fell over from exhaustion. And I'm very used to coming home late from regular play rehearsals all the time. I got home at like 9:30, and usually for the plays I get home around 11. But because of the ridiculousness and stress and just everything stupid about this thing, I'm worn out. 

Hi lovelies. I was feeling pretty great until about a minute ago where I got a sudden surge of a horrible migraine and stomach ache and I'm really not feeling good at all.

So I guess I could have watched more Dr. 90210 last night because classes were cancelled today because of snow. Really bizarre, no one saw it coming...

I'm so sorry I have to do bullet points again because I feel like I'm about to pass out I'm in so much pain and I feel so weak just all of a sudden and I don't know why.

Woke up at 7, mentally prepared for the first time to go to school

Didn't have to go to school, slept till 1:00

Stayed in bed until 4:00

Worked out with Katy at my place from 6:30-7:30

Kind of slacked while I was on the workout machines because I felt really groggy and kept wanting to talk to Katy instead of paying attention to working out

Tried to eat a burrito but now I'm dying 

Absolutely had so much time to clean my room today but decided against it because whatever

Sometimes I make myself feel really bad about not cleaning my room

Yes a clean room makes me very focused but I need to keep telling myself that

Not having a clean room does not make you a bad person 

At all 

Gonna watch more Dr. 90210 now and hope that I feel better 

I'll try to sleep at a decent hour

So I'm ready for a hopefully good school day tomorrow 

Gonna try to make this as quick as possible because I need to get a lot of sleep and I want to squeeze in another episode of Dr. 90210 before sleep (yep. ended up liking it. super hooked). 

so0ooo0O0oO0oOO

Got up super early for my super early hair appointment and was exhausted

Didn't initially like the hair cut at all but turns out my stylist actually did a fantastic job of cutting it and just didn't style it well

My friends from the city and Ohio visited and hung out with me and Jamie and we had a fantastic time 

We went to the coffee shop, I ate a bagel, watched the puppy bowl, and played apples to apples

Rehearsed music with Jamie after they left; we sound really solid, I'm very excited to perform it 

I had an excellent workout today

Luca texted me and we talked about University for a little bit and it was really nice 

I had a very soothing and nice bath

Overall excellent day. I feel really good. Didn't clean my room which is a little disappointing because I'm not gonna be home that much this week and won't have much time to clean it so the mess is probably just gonna get really bad which I don't love but I'll live with it

Next week is gonna be crazy because the rehearsal schedule for Senior Talent Show is 3:15-6:00, dinner break, then 7:00-9:00, but during dinner break our director for Drowsy Chaperone wants us to rehearse which is really just a goddamn pain

But fuck it, I'm a second semester senior starting tomorrow and I feel

Oh

So

Good!