aphobe phobe

I won’t acknowledge that outside of tumblr, asexual people are widely accepted in the lgbt+ community (x)

and that asexual people are still oppressed and discriminated against, as documented by both personal accounts of discrimination faced DIRECTLY because of acephobia (x) (x) (x) (x) and acephobia documented in scientific studies (x) (x) (x) (x)

also I’m not going to acknowledge that asexuality is listed as a mental illness in the DSM (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder) (x)

bonus conversion therapy stories (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

I would rather believe that straight people are OK with some people experiencing sexuality differently than them and fully accept these people as exactly the same as them and give them the full benefits and privilege of inclusion and support–because straight people are historically so good and understanding like that–than accept any of the above that shows the revolutionary concept that the only people straight people accept as straight are ……… OTHER STRAIGHT PEOPLE (x) (x) (x)

that have the exact same experiences as them!!! cis men and cis women who feel romantic and sexual attraction exclusively to cis women and cis men, respectively, AND NOTHING ELSE, it’s almost like this is the founding principle of heteronormativity (x) (x) (x)

and that assuming if someone isn’t “gay enough” for my standards that automatically makes them straight because straight is the good wholesome default (x) and I like the way my rhetoric directly echoes biphobia (x) (x) (x) / panphobia (x) (x) (x) / transphobia (x) (x) (x) (x)

“But–”

all of them

“but what if–”

all of them

“but they don’t–”

a l l o f t h e m

If someone is aromantic, they are not heteroromantic.

If someone is agender, they are not cisgender.

“Cishet” was a word coined by trans people meant to describe someone who has full, unconditional access to straight privilege - that is, someone who is 100% perisex, cisgender, heterosexual, and heteroromantic.”

I am not redefining cishet. If someone is Aromantic or Asexual, they do NOT benefit from full straight cisgender privilege, seeing as though they are not Cis Heterosexual Heteromantic to begin with. 

Not only this, but there are multiple posts and blogs that actively provide sources and first-hand accounts that if someone is aspec they can, and do, face different kinds of oppression such as but not limited to: corrective rape, being seen as less than human, feeling “broken”, being seen as mentally ill or something being medically wrong with them for feeling this way, having partners acting as though the aspec individual is somehow denying the other their “right” to sex, being abused in multiple ways and manipulated to feel as though you’re being childish or selfish, others ignoring physical boundaries to try “fixing” you, and more. And in a society that seems to show sexual/romantic depictions as well as trying to play on people’s attraction towards those deemed “sexually appealing”, it can feel really awkward having to hear and see these things all the time. And yes, these things go for, you guessed it, the “CisHet” aspec individuals as well seeing as though these are ASPEC experiences. 

While yes, if someone is cis they do benefit from being cis, and while being in some form of relationship with a different gender than oneself might appear to benefit the person from the view of outsiders since they’re then assumed to be straight, this does not negate the fact that many aspec individuals including myself face different pressures and issues that cisgender heterosexual heteromantic individuals DO NOT face based on their sexuality or romantic orientation. And if someone feels as though they’re cishet while also being aspec, then they can choose that for themselves if it feels right for them personally, but to force this upon everyone is just wrong since someone else cannot determine someone’s identity for them when it comes to incredibly personal labels such as these.

———

And just in case you and others don’t feel like hovering over the links, they are as follows: 

@palominocorn on how using “Cishet” towards Ace and Aro people isn’t correct

@millenniumfae and others on What Aspec Individuals Tend to Report Experiencing

About 7 Blogs that go over How Asexuality is Classified as a Mental Disorder

@forevrdreamingofbetterthings talking about how Even Aspec Individuals Face Different Forms of Oppression for being Aspec

@fuckyeahasexual on how Their Many Mods and Other Blogs That Disagree with the whole “Aces Dont Face Problems” sorta talk 

And for those that want a little more on what that “A” in LGBT+ stands for, here ya go 

———

racism / antiblackness / antisemitism / islamopobia / hatred toward other non-christian non-western racialized religions / xenophobia 

transmisogyny 

ableism and lack of accessibility and resources for disabled lgbt people

the phenomenon of homonationalism, what it looks like, what it entails 

the commoditization of pride and its entrance into the neoliberal mainstream 

youth homelessness 

abuse, sexual violence, domestic violence, both at the hands of straight people and within gay relationships 

normalization of age gaps and power imbalances (e.g. the coercion of young lgbt people to pursue older people because of social alienation from peers their age) 

lack of support for lgbt survivors who speak out about being battered/abused/etc by someone else who is lgbt 

serophobia within the community toward ANYONE who is HIV+, which includes cishet sex workers / cishet poc / etc + general elitism and aversion toward people who have STI’s 

lack of sexual education 

stigma toward addicted and alcoholic people 

mental illness and mental health issues in general 

what lgbt people on here instead discourse about:

ace discourse 

who “gets” to reclaim a slur

who is “allowed” to use a word/term

“this word/experience is x-specific or x-exclusive and if you relate you’re x-phobic” 

who is “more radical”/”more oppressed” 

depression

feeling suicidal

not feeling safe even in lgbt spaces

just a general lack of trust to be honest, which is understandable since every other mutual eventually reveals they hate us

believing that friends will hate us if we share personal feelings surrounding our aspec identities

difficulty sharing personal feelings at all

increased worry especially for questioning aspecs that we really are ‘faking it’ or ‘actually straight’ which every person in the lgbt community knows is a horrible way to feel and very difficult to get through

confusion about our own experiences because gaslighting is an extremely common exclusionist tactic

A vague and prevailing sense of guilt, also stemming from the above

just gonna repeat, we’re all fucking depressed. we hate ourselves.

an increase in the feeling of alienation/isolation/inhumanity that we all already struggle with

back to the gaslighting, we now feel we don’t deserve help even though our community is at high risk for sexual assault, pathologization, etc. etc.

due to mocking of our terminology we now feel embarrassed using it. even the phrase ‘aphobia’ is now seen as funny. We have been robbed of language to discuss our own relationships, our own oppression, our own experiences with attraction and our identities.

since exclusionists attack even non discourse related aspec posts, it is incredibly difficult to be a community, worsening that good old isolation

Everyone likes to joke about the idea that this discourse could have a serious negative effect on the mental health of a-spec people (and this fucking includes the ones who are ‘acceptably queer’ by exclusionist standards) but… watching hundreds of people wish death on you for your orientation, suicide bait you over your orientation, insist your sexual assaults weren’t really because of your orientation, fill the positivity tags related to your orientation with hate and/or porn, talk about how your orientation is just a mental illness or not real, mock your terminology, and try to exclude you from the community you’ve taken refuge in over your orientation… is really fucking damaging to a person’s mental health. 

Being attacked and excluded for your orientation is bad for a person’s mental health. 

Especially when they already struggle with mental illness.

I have literally been threatened and screamed at by my mom on multiple occasions for being asexual. You know how weird it is for your own mom to suddenly openly say that she wants you to have sexual urges and try to even talk you into admitting something you don’t feel???

And I’m afraid to even tell my dad because I’m worried he’d either get just as angry or mock me for the rest of my life.

Wow, the usual homophobia from the ace community, portraying all non-aces as sex-crazed, which is the same stereotype cishets people see LGBT people as. And you wonder why we don’t like you people. You’re consistently gross and yet you expect sympathy. You’re so fucking entitled.

You, right now? You’re being an asshole. You may have been bullied for your orientation, but that doesn’t mean that you yourself aren’t being a bully as well.

You ever heard of the cycle of violence? It’s a thing that happens. Someone gets hurt, and then they hurt other people. It’s a horrible thing, but it can be stopped.

You can change. You can be better than this. Listen, I don’t care if you think ace people belong in the LGBTQ+ community; the fact remains that they are PEOPLE, and deserve to be treated with basic human decency.

Hey, so I know you follow me, and I’m getting this right out here. I’m asexual. I personally think that sex is gross, between people with any combination of genitals or gender identities. I don’t want to see people making making out, regardless of whether they’re gay or straight or anything.

You can think whatever you want. Everybody has that right. But please, don’t strike out against ace people. If you think that a PARTICULAR ace person is being an asshole, then sure, get mad at that person. Humans are assholes, regardless of sexual orientation.

I’m not talking about gay people in general. I am talking about YOU, tumblr user @tendokage. I don’t even know your orientation off the top of my head. The OP did nothing against you or anybody else. They mentioned how they were suffering, and expressed their anger. And if YOU think that “being horrible to ace people” means “gay”, then that says more about you than about the OP.

(I mean, there is a chance that the OP has previously said bad things about the gay community; I don’t know, I don’t follow them. In which case, your response would be more understandable, but it was still expressed poorly.)

Ever heard of the expression “we’re stronger together”? Gay people aren’t straight. Ace people aren’t straight. We don’t have to hurt each other. We can support each other.

We don’t suffer in the same ways. That’s normal. It still doesn’t change the fact that there’s suffering. And part of being a moral human being is to not cause any unnecessary suffering, and to alleviate suffering whenever you can.

Response: That’s homophobic. You’re gross and entitled.

“But–”

all of them

“but what if–”

all of them

“but they don’t–”

a l l o f t h e m

s/o to aces with kinks

s/o to aces with fantasies

s/o to aces who experience sensual attraction

s/o to aces who like to be sensually intimate with their partners

s/o to aces who like to be sexually intimate with their partners

Alternatively, it’s possible to sort of “trade favours”; instead of sexually pleasing their asexual partner who is disinterested in receiving sexually, the non-asexual party might cuddle, kiss and otherwise be physically affectionate with their partner while making love. This’d still count as sexual intimacy, even though only one person in the act is - hopefully - orgasming.

Some asexuals see sex as a way to bond with their partners. Again, the act isn’t specifically interesting to them, but it works as a means to an end - through it, they get to feel closer to their partner.

Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction, the “I want to bang that” trigger that most people have in response to potential sexual partners. Not the absence of sexual activity itself, which would be celibacy - the choice to not engage in sex, the act. An asexual can have sex and not feel that specific type of attraction to their partner, as attraction is passive and not based in active choice. It doesn’t mean that that partner is disgusting to them, either; they may well be aesthetically attractive to the asexual person (the same way you can appreciate a beautiful statue or a painting without becoming sexually aroused by viewing it) and the asexual person may well desire physical intimacy with them, such as hugging, kissing, cuddling and holding hands. Since not all asexuals are inherently repulsed by sex but merely disinterested in it by default, turning that desire for general closeness into sexual activity where it provides fulfillment of some form to both parties isn’t necessarily paradoxical.

Someone once brought up a fairly good point regarding this subject; non-asexual people also sometimes hook up and have sex with people that aren’t specifically attractive to them. It can still be perfectly consensual and satisfy the needs of both parties, despite the fact that the base attraction wasn’t there. For example, a person who just wants to have sex with someone might go along with a partner they would not otherwise choose, but who simply happens to be available and ready to do the deed with them. Alternatively, a woman might seek to have a baby, and have sex with a partner solely for that purpose, and whether the partner chosen is sexually attractive to them or not isn’t a big factor in the choice. (Plenty of asexual women choose to have sex to have children.) There are multiple reasons to have sex even when you’re not sexually attracted. Specifically for asexuals, the factor of having a non-asexual partner is usually a big motivator to have sex, and other reasons like the ones I explored above may additionally pop up to support that decision.

This is something I talked about earlier, how there are plenty of types of aphobia, and this type is the one we tend to face on a regular basis. Literal sexual harassment and conversion therapy.