Divorce & The Affects on Children
(This could also apply to separated couples/single parent homes).
On the day of your wedding, you start on a journey that will be sure to bring its share of problems, the Bible says that “those who marry will have pain and grief.” (1 Corinthians 7:28, the New English Bible)
The question is not whether problems will arise but how you will face them when they do.
I made the overwhelming and daunting decision to file for divorce in July 2010 (after a six month separation) from my ex-husband and father to my two of my daughters. We had spent our entire adulthood together until that point and it hurt, it was extremely painful. Our divorce was finalized April 2012. My true and honest opinion (based off experience): Divorce is disgusting.
What parents see as a quick way out, often results in emotional damage that children will carry for 30 years or more? Divorce is no small thing to children. It is the violent ripping apart of their parents, a loss of stability and sometimes a shock to their young minds. While we often think of children as resilient, going through such trauma is a lot to ask of our kids.
Every child of divorced parents suffers the loss of relationship and loss of security and the emotional scars are usually visible. More than 30 years of research continues to reveal the negative effects of divorce on children.
Research comparing children of divorced parents to children with married parent’s shows:
Children from divorced homes suffer academically. They experience high levels of behavioral problems. Their grades suffer, and they are less likely to graduate from high school.
Kids whose parents’ divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile.
Because the custodial parents can or may income drops after a divorce, children in divorced homes are almost five times more likely to live in poverty than are children with married parents.
Teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families.
Children from divorced homes experience illness more frequently and recover from sickness more slowly.
They are also more likely to suffer child abuse.
Children of divorced parents suffer more frequently from symptoms of psychological distress.
The emotional scars of divorce last into adulthood.
Before you say, "Not my kid," remember that the children and teens represented in these statistics are normal kids, probably not much different from ours. The scope of this last finding — children suffer emotionally from their parents' divorce — has been largely underestimated.
Obviously, not every child of divorce commits crime or drops out of school. Some, rather many do well in school and even become high achievers. However, we now know that even these children experience deep and lasting emotional trauma. For all children, their parents' divorce colors their view of the world and relationships for the rest of their lives.
Divorce can devastate children, regardless of their age.
Children have reported how divorce affects them:
They felt the financial strain of living in a single parent household.
They have had to feel as if they have to choose between parents.
They struggle with divorce, even as adults.
They do not take kindly to one parent badmouthing the other parent.
They feel happy to see their parents get along.
This is not to say that children and teens whose parents’ divorce are doomed emotionally or otherwise. They can succeed, especially if they have a relationship with both parents. However, it is naive to think that divorce will always be, as some might say, ‘better for the children’ or that it will put an end to all tension between spouses. In fact, some find that they have to deal more with their spouse after the divorce than before and on much more serious issues, such as financial support or child custody. Divorce doesn’t always end family problems; it can simply moves them to a different arena.
The Bible also says: “The shrewd one considers his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15) That principle applies not just when choosing a spouse or whom you have children with but also when considering what to do about a marriage or a relationship that is struggling or failing.
Marriage is a divine commitment that should not be taken lightly.
Divorce is war. Choose wisely.
If you are divorced, it is to be expected that you will experience a wide range of emotions. On the one hand, you might still feel love for this person with whom you had a marital bond. On the other hand, you might feel resentful over what has occurred. Even after several years, you may still feel confused, humiliated, and helpless. Many happy moments from your marriage come to mind, and you think: “ Why did this happen?’” Divorce affects us all.
Nan Marie Astone and Sara S. McLanahan, "Family Structure, Parental Practices and High School Completion," American Sociological Review 56 (1991): 309-320. ↩
Cynthia Harper and Sara McLanahan, "Father Absence and Youth Incarceration," Center for Research on Child Wellbeing, Working Paper #99-03, http://crcw.princeton.edu/publications/articles/2004/WP99-03-pub.pdf. ↩
Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur, Growing Up with a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1994), p. 82. ↩
Robert L. Flewelling and Karl E. Bauman, "Family Structure as a Predictor of Initial Substance Use and Sexual Intercourse in Early Adolescence," Journal of Marriage and the Family 52 (1990): 171-181. ↩
Jane Mauldon, "The Effects of Marital Disruption on Children's Health," Demography 27 (1990): 431-46, and Olle Lundberg, "The Impact of Childhood Living Conditions on Illness and Mortality in Adulthood," Social Science and Medicine 36 (1993): 1047-52, both as cited in Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000). ↩
Jw.org A House Divided—The Impact of Divorce on Adolescents Awake!—2009
