Live. Try to Live.

It has been a year since the lockdown.

A year of mental unrest.

A year of fighting.

The pandemic took a toll on my mental health. I've been quietly suffering and now, I'm slowly regaining myself.

I've got to admit, I'm thankful I've survived a year of quarantine. Having a shitty government to a shitty workplace, I've learned to be careful of my decisions.

I left my shitty job last December. I've never been angrier with my company I've worked for almost 4 years. I had second thoughts about it though. However, I haven't regretted it. I just needed some push.

Come to think of it, it's one of the best decisions I've made during the quarantine. I just needed to find a job again though. I'm broke.

I’ve haven’t blogged here for two years now. Well, it’s mostly that I have become busy with work, or loaded with problems.

Well, here I am again. Just checking in.

In this time of crisis (with COVID-19 still rising), I figured that we need to be more empathetic. Upper management, government officials, our neighbors, even ourselves. We’ve suffered greatly in our economy, freedom, health and safety. We’ve forgotten how to be humane.

We’re creatures of emotions. Of rationality, yet we cannot even be rational with our decisions towards others.

Some upper management of a company would like us to move on and get our act together. To completely forget our safety and mental state and find these sales.

Some government official won’t even recognize that the number one enemy today is the virus, finding out later on that it’s that important. (After signing a law that conflicts with our rights. After his allies have set the tone that they’re above the law.)

We’ve been so accustomed with our lives before this pandemic. We’ve forgotten that we survived by adapting to it.

You’ll see people refusing to wear masks. You’ll see people not maintaining social distancing. (Girl, you’re in public, no one will steal your man. You’re only one chair apart.) They’re simply not adapting to our trying times.

Indeed, humans are complex, yet with simple things, they’re still making it complex.

From the title, “You’ll never know until you try”, has been my mantra for this year. It came from the guy who told me he likes me but he’s afraid of commitment. I told him this very sentence and it stuck with me ever since. It was unexpected. He told me he liked me. I wasn’t even familiar with this kind of feelings. Did I like him enough to be with him romantically? I was. But, he didn’t made much effort. He’s a great guy. The one you’ll want to settle with. Maybe, he’s truly not ready while I was rushing things. I did have feelings for him. But it came to a point that I just want to be friends with him. He’s a great friend. Maybe, he deserves someone better than me. But I’m still grateful for this experience. It opened my mind and heart to a lot of possibilities.

Those possibilities opened a lot of opportunities. Like maybe, finding someone who I’d click with. He’s a bit arrogant and rough but he’s sweet, intelligent and honest. He has a lot of quirks. We’ve been seeing each other over drinks and been getting to know each other. It’s like I’ve known him for so long. I’ve shared secrets and embarrassing experiences with him. I’m so comfortable with him. 

“You know, talking with you; you and me sharing ideas, opinions and experiences, is one of my most memorable one.”

My heart stopped. I think I’ve fallen truly in love.

He has vices, yes. He’s a bit arrogant (as said earlier), yes. He has flaws, yes. We all have flaws and that’s what makes us human. I started to accept his flaws because I don’t want to forcibly change him. I want him and I to go with the flow.

I’m a bit torn with life right now. Not the life and death thing. Just some aspects in life.

My career:

I’ve been in this stress filled work which has left me without any time for myself and to all closest to me. What I’ve been clinging on is the fulfillment of it all. Besides the good pay, I’ve come to love it. Although it needs some changing around. A lot of changing to be honest. From the upper management

Him:

Yes, him. The person who I’ve talked about in my previous blog post. I’m very torn with my feelings. I don’t know if I should follow my head or heart. My head tells me he’s not worth it. That I don’t know him enough. I don’t trust him fully. That I should trust what the others are telling me about him. Or my heart, which tells me to trust him fully. That I have to get to know him better in order to fully understand him. I would still message him about stuff. But I don’t know if he’s still interested as he said he is. 

Myself:

I have been in an emotional turmoil from both my career and him. I’ve been asking myself if I should have just taken my comfort zone and not risk much. But, I’ve been so bored with my life that I’ve encountered these “challenges”. I, for one, am not keen on what are happening in my life. I’ve never had much attention. Maybe life is telling me that I should experience it more. Maybe I just need to change a bit of myself to overcome such situations.

Maybe I’m just a bit tired of it all.

Maybe I just need a little push to overcome these.

Maybe I just need a bit of luck and motivation.

Dear self,

You need to clarify yourself.

You need to be more confident about yourself.

You don’t need to judge your own decisions. It’s all about you.

You don’t need to feel insecure about everything.

You need to be you.

You shouldn’t be ashamed of trying.

You should carry the weight of your actions.

You should be happy about yourself.

You need to accept your imperfections. That’s what makes you, you.

You need to be you.

You need to try something in order to learn.

You need to learn from your shortcomings.

You need to be assured of yourself.

You only need yourself.

You need to be you.

You need to be yourself.

You need yourself.

That’s all that matters.

Love,

"Hi! I know this is sudden and I've been thinking about it lately; it's best for us to just remain as friends. Nothing more. Well, thank you for the moments. I do appreciate it. Hope you'd understand."

That one text. That one sudden decision. I've regretted fully. I was conflicted with emotions. With issues I want to resolve. I don't intend to hurt him. I just want to save him from the issues I've been facing.

I'm not that blind. He showed effort in wanting this to be a thing. He was patient. But I was still struggling. Now that he wanted out; now that I wanted him back, it's all gone.

I've regretted every inch of my decision. Every issues, I've faced alone. My own intention was not to hurt him. Now, he's hurt. I've caused him pain that I don't want him to feel.

Even with purest intentions, I should have trusted my heart. Now, I'm suffering.

How can I endure the pain of him moving on from me? How can I move on when I've finally admitted to myself that I love him?

The pain. The suffering. Oh, how must fate have played my heart.

I love him.

Simple jokes turn into deeper connections.

I’ve been working with this guy for a few months now. Same shift most of the time. We hung out a few times with coworkers. We’d make jokes. Those jokes, those “hugot”, were our thing.

Until I realized I’ve been slowly falling and I’ve been taking those jokes seriously. Well, I don’t know if he feels the same way.

But work. Yes, our policy inhibits romantic relationships in the work place. I’ve always hated that policy. It makes me so sad and angry; I don’t really know what to think anymore. 

Maybe that’s why I don’t want to look for a job ASAP? I know I’ve been ranting for not having a job for the past few months. But, this is quite different. 

I am still looking for what I really want in my life. In what I really want for myself. Yes, having a job is fun and all, but what do I really want to do with my life?

I’ve been questioning myself since high school. Now, that I’ve graduated and had my first job, I can’t seem to really know what I really wanted to do. I’m broke. I don’t have any options at the moment. I don’t really know what to do with my life. 

I’m not suicidal if you were wondering.

I just can’t get up and know nothing to do. A lot of my friends know what they want in life. They’re out there doing things to get what they want. I’m just here still looking for it. 

We’ll see.

If the title is misleading, think again.

I guess? For some reason, I haven’t got to the point where I’m determined to actively look for a job. Yep, I’ve been unemployed for a few months now. To think that I had wonderful opportunities while I was still employed, I’m f*cked up man. They do say, opportunities come knocking once. I was still employed that time. I didn’t know what to do? But now that I have my own time, no such opportunities come.

Yes, I’m pretty much f*cked up. 

I’m kinda failing in life right now.

Some one, help me.