#firstbaby

Hey y’all! I decided I would get a little vulnerable today and share my raw thoughts on the postpartum life or as many call it, the fourth trimester. Before Lily came and even right after she was born I had all these ideas of how put together I would be and how perfect life would be after we brought our little bundle of joy home. I remember staring at moms in stores with screaming babies and thinking my children would never behave that way in a million years. Well this mama quickly learned. I never gave a second thought about having postpartum anxiety/depression or my decision to breastfeed. I really thought I could perfectly plan out every detail and every moment.

Lily is now 10 weeks old and we are still getting used to our new normal. I am kind of a Type A schedule keeper and have had to realize sometimes the schedule has to be thrown out of the window. That was the first hard pill for me to swallow. I also had the notion that since I am young the weight gained from baby would just fall off… definitely not the case. I thought once I got the initial hang of breastfeeding it would be a breeze. Oh, boy was I wrong! I currently am pumping to build up my supply and we have been supplementing with formula to get little Miss to 10 pounds. I never thought I would be tired. I always thought new parents were just exaggerating about their lack of sleep. And I certainly never thought I would be sad or anxious when I was holding the perfect human I waited so long for.

I am here to tell you what I have now come to realize in less than three months. Schedules have to be flexible now. If Lily decides to start crying and screaming then my errand day will come to an end sooner than expected. Baby weight does not just fall off. I have started caring about what I fuel my body with and have begun a workout routine with a fellow mama friend. Breastfeeding is so freaking hard! I am still conquering this challenge currently. You will be tired. Some nights your baby will only wake up twice and some nights your baby will wake up every two hours to eat. Do what she needs to thrive and catch up on the sleep later. As for being anxious, I can speak on this firsthand. I have terrible postpartum anxiety. I worry that I am not the mom she needs and worry about every little thing that can go wrong with Lily and it puts me into an anxiety spiral. Guess what? Nobody else is meant to be the mama of your child. You were made for this and you can do this.

Not only do I see moms in a new light, but I also see my husband in a new way. Moms are superheroes, but personally I could not be as strong as I have been without my husband. It is totally ok to lean on your partner. Motherhood has already taught me to ask for help when I need it. I have always struggle with asking for help, but you know sometimes I need two sets of hands instead of one. If I have a rough day at home or need my husband to hold the baby so I can do house chores, he does it! It really does take a village. The fourth trimester is one of the most challenging things I have experienced so far, but Lily makes it all worth it. Every day when I see that big smile and hear those coos I know I am doing something right. If any other mamas feel overwhelmed or need to talk I am always here for you. You got this, mama!

There are going to be times when you are sad in front of your child, which is of course normal but I recently discovered how hard I try to not be upset in front of Ivy and I don’t really know why.

Yesterday I took my cats of Twelve years to Anna’s Rescue Centre, who I must say do an amazing job and really care for the cats they rescue and adopt. It was such a tough decision and One that I’m still not sure was the right decision. I’ve had both my cats since they were born and they’ve been through all my ups and downs with me, when I’ve been lonely they’ve been there for a cuddle, they’ve kept me company through all my sleepless nights and they’ve shown me affection when I’ve needed to know I am loved.

Additionally, I can’t deny that they have hated everyone except me, often thrown up on my carpet, cost me an arm and a leg in food and vet bills, and brought me numerous disgusting ‘gifts’ ranging from massive dragon flies, huge moths to baby birds, mice and even a rat once!

The latter paragraph being where they got their nickname ‘shitcats’ from basically anyone who met them! I loved them though, they were shit but they were mine! However, the level of Shitcats shit behaviour has been so much worse since Ivy came along and I’ve tried for a year, hoping they’d settle but the pissing in her cot and pram continued and crying really loudly outside her door the second I get her to sleep, and I just can’t deal with the stress anymore. I also can’t give them anywhere near the attention and love they want and deserve so I went to Anna’s Rescue centre to re-home them.

Ivy’s Dad took me and was unexpectedly waiting with Ivy and a big hug at the entrance rather than in the car when I came out, I was proper ugly crying, like big sobs and in an attempt to cheer me up and remind me why I had taken them there, he handed me Ivy to cuddle me!

That’s when I realised that I didn’t want her to see me upset, so I fake smiled and kissed her whilst the tears streamed down my face. I don’t really know why, I guess I feel like me being sad would make her sad and I don’t want that.

I remember when my Eldest sister passed away a few years ago and my other Sister said that she hadn’t cried because she couldn’t, she couldn’t break down in front of her kids and I didn’t really understand it until now. You don’t want to inflict pain on the little person/people that you love the most, you don’t want them to feel your sadness, you want them to see how happy they make you and you want to make them smile.