i go to bed too late, and i canât make myself do it earlier. i donât clean enough. i havenât harvested my tomatoes. i am so. fucking. tired.Â
i donât eat enough, i donât eat well enough, i eat too much junk. i donât go outside enough, i donât exercise enough, i donât shower enough.
i donât work enough, i donât read enough, i donât call my friends enough, and
iâm dating? maybe? like active verb form present tense dating a boy. which is nice, i guess? weâve been on two dates, each lasting 5 hours, and like, i like him, but i donât know if he likes me. and iâm fighting a constant battle with myself regarding everything, like, i initiated the first two dates, i sort of want him to initiate the third, but if he wants a third date and all it takes is for me to take initiative, then iâm ok with doing that? but how do i know. and now iâm doing the petty thing where iâm waiting for him to âwrite firstâ bc i feel like iâm always the one writing first. so thatâs exhausting.Â
having feelings is exhausting. i really like him! and it feels like thereâs potential for more. but i have no idea how heâs feeling.Â
and since last yearâs Worst Date Ever (the one that ended when the guy thought i was too ugly to sleep with) iâm just constantly waiting to be âlet down gentlyâ and i would very much prefer if he just ghosted + blocked me. so thatâs a nice little trauma thatâs dug itself deeper than i realised. fun.Â
have i mentioned iâm tired?Â
iâm on new prophylactic meds for migraine. so far they donât work. iâm not a fan of getting i migraine every time i try to walk to + from the supermarket.Â
iâm thinking i should go off my old antidepressants. try if iâm okay without them, since i started a new kind this spring and iâve felt a big improvement.Â
i keep getting upset that i didnât get an adhd diagnosis. so many signs point to yes and they still said no, bc i didnât show symptoms early enough, and now research is appearing that points to symptoms sometimes not showing up until puberty. my new antidepressant is sometimes used for adhd and the fact that i feel much better on it, feels like another sign. but i donât know where to go from here. iâve had my evaluation. i donât think i can get another one.Â
which leaves me being: a lazy fucker who just canât get her shit together because sheâs not trying hard enough.Â
and i am so tired. i am so tired of fighting constant battles with my brain all day every day about everything. every time i eat i have ten conflicting voices telling me i shouldnât eat this thing, i shouldnât eat it now, i shouldâve bought another kind of bread, i shouldnât have dairy, i need more fibre, i should buy more vegetables, i need to finish that before it expires. every fucking time i eat anything.Â
i need a lamp for my desk. iâm too tired to go to ikea.Â
i canât talk to malin about the dating because i know she doesnât want me to date boys and i need her to be happy for me.
my grandmotherâs husband has finally passed away and the funeral is on friday and i donât really want to go, because iâm not grieving, he overstayed his welcome on this earth as far as iâm concerned, but iâm still going to support my grandmother. itâll be weird. iâm still debating wether to take a vacation day for it or just take the time off.Â
i havenât had my summer vacation yet. i didnât feel the need during the summer, i still donât feel the need. and then again maybe iâm feeling down now because i didnât have a vacation. or maybe iâm feeling down because of pms, or because iâm bad at going outside for fresh air and vitamin d, or because iâve had shitty eating habits for the past six months and probably have iron deficiency, or because i donât sleep enough, or MAYBE IâM JUST FUCKING SADÂ but i donât know.Â
but if iâm feeling bad because of those reasons, then itâs not real, i donât deserve to feel bad, i should feel better, those arenât real reasons, and i just need to get my shit together.Â
i am so. fucking. tired. i want to sleep myself to death. is that a thing? can i do that? it was such a mind-blowing moment when i read about suicide ideation and realised itâs not binary, itâs not âi want to kill myselfâ or âi donât want to kill myselfâ, itâs a spectrum, and that iâm on it. like, not at one of the ends, but on the spectrum. and i donât even deal with it. iâm just like no i wouldnât mind dying, no iâm not going to kill myself, no i definitely donât enjoy life. and thatâs just how it is.Â
my self-hatred has sort of ... settled into the background? which basically means that i donât actively think about the fact that iâm a little bit worse than everyone else, i just know it. itâs like, i donât even know. itâs just a deep-rooted knowledge that i will never be anybodyâs first choice because why the hell would i be. so i mean. itâs nice that it doesnât take up a lot of brainpower anymore, but iâm also not sure itâs good that itâs become a permanent fixture in a new way.Â
but with it comes a never-ceasing need for validation, which is also exhausting.Â
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