i am legion

my drinking has gotten out-of-hand in that past 8 months or so. i wish i'd never gotten so deep. my addictive tendencies are just a terrible issue.

i've been trying to stay sober for about 2 weeks and have flopped constantly. my longest stretch was 4 days. a huge success given my usual 1 day max. but i constantly go back and forth between wanting to be sober and want that sweet buzz. but my fear of losing the buzz turns into binge drinking, into slurred speech, into embarassaring myself, into hiding my drinking, into forgetting important moments.

but like, yeah, ive got chronic health disorders that burden me on the daily in ways that i dont full get

My in-laws, brother-in-law, and his girlfriend are here for the weekend.

Last night everyone was drinking wine or beer and I got tonic water. I'd picked up a pack of cigarettes, which I have only ever smoked while sloshed. Gotta have a vice, right? I didn't really want one. But 3/6 of us were smoking, one being my husband, so I lit one up. My husband took a few puffs and I smoked about a third.

The whole time I was absolutely repulsed but knew the nic buzz was worth it. Until the nic buzz came.

I suddenly realized that I didn't want my brain to feel funny. I realized that my head isn't always a terrible place to be anymore. I might even kinda like my brain.

Without saying anything, I put my cigarette out and went to show and wash all the smell and smoke off of me.

I thought about how I, personally, have always used alcohol and cigarettes to run from myself. Slow my brain down when it's racing. Forget my pain when I'm depressed. Always running.

And I just don't feel like I want to run from myself anymore.