legendarydestinydeer

More than this

I thought I will just look at the pictures I printed from when my friend and me travelled to Denmark with her dad to go to a one direction concert. These were the first two pictures.

This unreal feeling

I literally don’t know where to go with my thoughts so tumblr it is.

This is the first picture on my phone. It’s been there for almost 10 years now. This was not a phase, and it still isn’t.

I did not follow Liam‘s career for a while now because to me it didn’t fit anymore with myself. And that’s totally okay. He can develop his career however he liked and I can decide that it’s not for me anymore.

I also think he wasn’t the nicest human recently which was also a problem for me. I think he did some things he deserved to get negative criticism for.

My main thought for the last couple of days was this:

He deserved to have a chance to get it right again. Everyone does. Not getting it right for me or other fans or whoever but getting it right for himself, for the people close to him, for his son so that he could say to himself that he is okay now again and be content with the person he is now. He didn’t get that chance and this makes me incredibly sad and frustrated.

I wish for him that he had a safe journey to the stars and that he is now at peace. I wish for everyone who loved him to be able to think of him with more than just the grief after however time we need to process this.

I know my body is trying to tell me that I have to stop now. I’m working on it. And since I do have the most amazing team lead where I work I’m pretty sure it will get better eventually but right now it sucks.

My brain is not working like it used to, I don’t have thoughts constantly running around in my head but instead everything is cloudy and heavy. I want to do creative things but I don’t have fun doing anything or at least not the way I used to. Everything is so exhausting. I don’t even want to watch TikTok right now and everything is overwhelming. I have to cancel plans it would love to go to because I don’t have any resources anymore.

I know it will get better, eventually, but right now it’s hard.

People on my tumblr. I’m sad, I’m frustrated and I’m mad at myself. I want to do something creative and create things and do stuff and and share stuff and reach people.

I’m an introvert so I don’t really want to engage actively into discussing things when it comes to my creations but I also don’t wanna just do them without reaching people. Why? Idk.

But the main problem that I have is that I am so stressed. To the point where my brain is not able to form sentences that make sense and would actually get across what I would like to say.

Today is this kind of day again. I want do to something creative but I am thinking so much about it before I even start that when I could start I already have thought about it so much and I did go through all my possible steps in my head already that it kinda feels like I already did it. I wanted to do „more doing, less thinking“ but so far I did still think a lot and did not do that much.

I started watching The Umbrella Academy because I saw snippets of it everywhere and thought I might like it because it falls into my preferred type of stuff and…

after 5 episodes I only vaguely know what it’s about.

So, I just finished watching Supernatural after 1,5 years. And with everything that I finish, let it be a book, a movie, a series or whatever - I’m sad.

Finishing something means leaving the universe that you were a part of for the time you spend with it. You leave the characters, you leave the version of yourself that you imagined to be while experiencing this universe and the adventures within!

When I want to read a book, and there already is a screen adaptation of it, I like to watch it first. I discovered this when watching a movie lately to which I had read the books before. I saw the trailer and I was so intrigued that I thought I had to read the books first "because that's how you do it".

The movie was kind of a disappointment for me because it was nothing like the book, there were settings that didn't fit, the storyline that was different and overall I was sad because I thought the movie was going to be amazing. My partner on the other hand thought the movie was good, not the best or the most entertaining but certainly not as bad as I think it is. And now, why do I like watching the adaptation before reading the book?

I guess this one is not reall uncommon in the reading world but I'm about to finish a book and with that I'm going to finish the last book from this series so far. The next book will not come out until next year if that's even happening so.... As I said, I get really invested in books most of the time so when I'm getting closer to the end of a book I get sad, because reading the last sentence means leaving the world I lived in for the time I read the book. It's like getting caught in a wind that sweeps you right back to reality when you were in another world the second before. You can't say goodbye obviously but the characters can't say goodbye either even if they certainly didn't know about you. You leave their world and sometimes you can't even get back in to read about new adventures or just to read about the characters day because you like them and you want to hear about it. You're just not here anymore and all you could do is re-read the book but that's not the same beacuse you want to learn more about everyone in the books and you want to know how the story continues but you can't because you are not the one deciding when to leave.

Okay so, I do get invested in books really easily. I dive into their world and their reality and I live there in my daydreams and in my thoughts. I get attached to the characters and I get invested in their stories. I feel what they're feeling, I see pictures of the scenes in my mind while I read and i sometimes even mirror their gestures and mimic. I cry (quite often) while I read and I'm happy that no one sees it. I laugh, I get angry and I often want what they have.

I fucking hate it when there are too many plot twists in books. Period. I know people doublecross others in real life too, but come on...just because it's a fantasy/scifi/whatever book that does not take place in this reality doesn't mean you have to put as many plot twists in it as you can think of. Especially when they're all happening at the end of a book! I follow a protagonist though a whole book - live their story - feel their emotions with them and i get fucking invested in them if it's a good book. So naturally I want them to succeed in their story, most importantly in the end, even if its just a little success, even if it's the second book of a trilogy or a longer series! Just because the story continues I dont want to be left devasteted and sad at the end of a book. For one whole book I learn about their lifes and their journey just to see them lose at the end of a book. I dont like it, I get angry about it every time I think of it and I'm already mad at the next book becuase of where it's going to start.