Mediocre Dick Energy

no i cant have sex with you that sounds scary

marriage before thirties is so insane because you're barely a person yet

divorce before thirties however is chic beyond comprehension

“jesse. i don’t know. WHAT would make you think that i would EVER sell you to one direction. really, just calm down and think about this logically, think about it. what would i possibly gain from selling you to one direction?? i don’t even know how one would get into contact with them. please, just take a moment and think—really think—about who WOULD be able to contact such a famous band. a man of high social standing, right?? a notable businessman, who—what?? this envelope of loose british pounds in my hand?? jesse, ive always had this—”

[new to sadism] I'm gonna hurt the blood out of you

[new to masochism] no 😦

@evilwizard

don’t involve me in this…

this callout couldve been a block button

this callout couldve been a private conversation

the goal is to always have days so good that you forget you have a phone

Bites into burger Hmmm this tastes like ash Looks at hands Covered in ash Looks around All is ashes A pitiless waste Resume eating

the real challenge of adulthood that no one tells you about in advance is how many goddamn pieces of paper you have to keep up with that are never important until they are suddenly VERY important

My one friend really likes "yo mama" jokes, but she feels bad for saying them to me because my mama's dead, and lately she's been circumventing this by adding "in heaven" to them, a concept I was introduced to with zero warning via a text that said, "Yo mama's so stupid she's in heaven pre-heating the microwave."

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