A Sapphic Mess

but gahhhhhhhhhd…

i’ve been spending a lot more time with the friend i’ve recently developed a huge crush on and i’m falling so hard for them, and now i’ve reached the point in liking someone where i want so badly to ask them out or at least drop pretty obvious hints that i’m interested but they’re still in a monogamous relationship with someone else so i know i shouldn’t but every time we talk i just like want to tell them exactly how i feel about them, and it’s physically painful holding that in

like it’s now advanced to the part where i stopped avoiding saying things that i would say to a friend but feel weird saying knowing i like someone bc they could be meant romantically and i honestly do mean them that way too and just say the things anyway and fuck it if they take it that way. and new today, i’m doing the thing where i type out a confession while we’re texting and then delete it without sending.

i could just bottle it all up and move on if it was just that they’re in a relationship but they’ve been talking about how they’ve been thinking about non-monogamy and how they’ve talked to their partner before about it and they had landed on considering it at some point in the future.

and then when i was at the worst part of that, I saw a post come up on instagram bc a friend i have a massive crush on liked it and it was all screenshots of different tweets about like having a wife and little moments around the house with a wife and i’m pretty sure they liked it because they’re getting kind of marriage-focused hoping their partner will propose

i have a friend i’ve gotten really close with and have a huge crush on but they’re dating someone they’re absolutely crazy about, and don’t get me wrong, they’re adorable together and I love both of them very much, but i am just so jealous and i think about how badly i want to kiss them every day

disclaimer up front that i know language is descriptive, not prescriptive, and the relationship names we use are just attempts to describe structures that humans created and not like fundamentally different and constant things people experience, but i’m talking about like relative to what other people feel

i think part of it is that i’m hypersensitive, so I feel everything more strongly, and I think that makes me feel really connected to friends very quickly and makes close friendships feel *very* close.

like sometimes you’ll get posts where someone like says something bigoted or wrong or whatever and then someone replies and explains why that’s bad or corrects them or whatever, and then people will like the post thinking about the correction not thinking about the fact that it’s now saying they liked the original post.

bc like i have this friend who is like basically my best friend (although we both have older friendships we call our best friends but we’re definitely closer lately) and i love them sooooooo much as a friend and vice versa but also i want to kiss them so bad and i think about it all the time

but at least when i asked back when we were not quite as close friends they were not interested in being anything more then friends with me and it is so hard continuing to spend so much time with this person i love so much who loves me back but in a different way and then navigating these feelings while our feelings for each other change

and wondering if certain things they say imply their feelings have changed, and wanting to be supportive of their new relationship while also kinda hoping they break up bc i’m so jealous

and it’s not just this one friendship like i also have an online friend who is poly and recently left a monogamous relationship and things got flirty between us and i feel kind of like pressure to continue that but only am into her sometimes and in very limited ways, and then a few other poly online friends that i’ve been flirty with and sexted with but have not established any official relationship with bc i don’t want that with them and kind of still want monogamy for myself but also really like just embracing relationship anarchy and letting each relationship be whatever it is

and then i have multiple other irl friends that i have all sorts of combinations of feelings for, most of whom are monogamous and most of whom are in a relationship currently, but then sometimes i like pick up on a vibe from them and i’m like “i feel like she wants me but also probably not and she’s with someone”