I'm not going to her funeral on Monday.
It's not because she wasn't important to me. She was the joint most important person in my life and still is. It's not because I didn't love her - I am so in love with her and always will be. Unlimited and unconditional and unending.
I'm not going because I know if I do, there is someone there who will take that and make it all about them.
In life, she was worried about everything. She felt like her time and relationships and money and things did not belong to her. She felt like she had no privacy. In death, she has had videos made with total strangers told awful things about her. She has had her things destroyed on social media for cheap views. Her family and friends have been told shitty things about her in an attempt by someone else to control the narrative. I'm sure the narrative in their head when I am not there is that they somehow won. Let them believe that, because I will know that the reason I am not going is that she deserves to fucking rest. If this is how she's treated now, in public, no wonder she chose death. My darling deserves for this all to be over and her name to be spoken with love and I cannot give her anything anymore but I can do my best to give her some peace.
Instead I will honour her by bringing her up in every conversation. Everyone in my life will know how she was important to me, even the ones I haven't met yet, who will never get the wonderful chance to meet her, will know her name and face and voice and stories. I'll bring the strands of her hair, my most precious belonging, to as many countries as possible so that she can travel like she always wanted to do. I will eat ice cream cake and sing in Norwegian on her birthday. I will write poems and learn the names of all my local plants and gather knowledge like treasures. And I will live a life so good that when I finally meet the universe and it asks me what I want in the next go round, I will have racked up enough karma to ask for 90 utterly happy years for her, because she deserves it.















