Hiiiii. So, I recently changed my ao3 user name (yes, again, let's not talk about it). Sorry, the old jaydreamz can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, 'cause she's dead đś (lol I really wanted to do that).
ANYWAY. I decided to go through my ao3 and link my 10 top-kudoed fics here. So, yeah. Same delulu, different font kinda thing.
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when i was a tiny baby queer (aka a 24-year-old), i went to my first pride festival probably three months after i kicked ex-gay therapy to the curb and came out to my parents. being the people they are, my parents came with me. they werenât really sure about this whole gay thing, but they loved me and wanted me to be safe and happy and wanted to be involved in what was important to me, so they came along. (i also think my mother still might have thought i might get drugged or murdered or beaten by a protester of which there were plenty.)
anyway i wanted a memento of my first pride, you know, and this one vendor was selling keyrings, and i liked it, so i bought one. do you remember those italian charm bracelets that were all the rage like 10-15 years ago? it was a keychain like that, and it had a rainbow rooster, a rainbow cat, and then just a rainbow, and so I bought it.
i run into my mom a couple of vendors over and she goes oh you bought something? whatâd you get? so i showed her, and i was like, âIâm not sure why itâs a rooster and a cat. Seems kind of random. But I liked the rainbows.â
and my mom, who was some form of ministerâs wife for most of my childhood and teenagerhood, stares at me like she thinks iâm joking.
âWhat?â i say.
ââŚitâs a cock and a pussy, Jules,â she says flatly, and that is the story of how i died at the age of 24 while attending my first pride festival.
grace, who has been alone for five minutes: oh my god. an alien! im not alone anymore! i hope he wants to be friends :)
rocky, coming up on 50 years of solitude, imprinting on grace in ways baby ducklings can only dream of: if you leave me to sleep where i can't watch your heart beat i am blowing up this tunnel with us both in it
at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you
at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.
at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly
at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.
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"Grace Ryland is Rocky's dog" is such a funny fucking dynamic when you think about it
Eridians are further behind than humans technologically right? They dont have computers, relativity, quantum mechanics, etc. In fact, Eridians probably dont even know about the Big Bang because their atmosphere would filter out most of the cosmic microwave background radiation we use to detect it. On a human timeline, theyre anywhere between like early-mid 20th century. Rocky's basically a cosmonaut.
So the human civilization is pretty advanced from Rocky's perspective. Rationally he understands this. On a conceptual level he knows this to be true.
But at the same time... imagine youre one of the first ever cosmonauts to make it into space. Then you meet a 10 year old alien dog who cant do 2+2 without pulling out its calculator. It forgets everything constantly and has to keep notes everywhere, like it basically lives in Memento (2000). Also if it doesnt nap constantly it gets even stupider. And you somehow has to reconcile this with the fact that this dog has a better understanding of physics than your entire civilization does. Like the dog knows how the universe started.
This isnt better from Grace's perspective btw. Eridians never developed computers, so all their ship systems are steered using basically the manual labor of 24 Eridians. Also theres no radiation shielding on their ship. Actually im pretty sure half the reason why Rocky is always busy fixing shit is because the radiation keeps frying all the onboard electronics, so hes always building and fixing and replacing components
Like imagine being a modern day sailor navigating the Pacific with GPS and strong hulls to protect against the raging ocean. And from portside you see like an honest to god viking ship. Except its made of some high tech carbon fiber material. But like, its still very definitely a viking ship. You can clearly see there's 24 oars along the hull where sailors are supposed to use to manually row their ship. Also the ship is leaking and theres like one little dude on board whos skittering around patching the holes constantly. Also this little dude is blind and doesnt know about water. Thats how insane Eridians look being an interstellar species without computers or radiation shielding.
Both of them thinks the other one is the completely ridiculous and absurd one and theyre both totally amazed at how far the other has come in spite of it
the tragedy of tumblr is you will inevitably meet people who you should be having a sleepover with. you should be rolling around on their floor and rummaging through their fridge and watching shitty movies with. you should be shopping with should be going out to a cafe with should be wandering through the aquarium with. people who you should be experiencing quotidian joys with... and you cannot! because they live one million miles away
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol* moonâs stuck in a time loop. do you have extra ammo? this wonât be enough.
nasa employee: enough forâŚwhat?
astronaut: *finding extra clip of ammo, pocketing it, and getting back on the rocket-ship* donât worry about it!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *emerging from supply closet with a space harpoon, getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut:   oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: what?Â
nasa employee: how did you know what i was going to say?Â
astronaut: *punching in key pad code for base evacuation signal, getting back on the rocket-ship* i told youâŚmoonâs stuck in a time loop.
*red warning lights begin flashing*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *rifling thru bookshelf of operating instructions, selecting one that says âAIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,â getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: moonâs stuck in a time loop. hey, do you have anything to eat? iâm starving. *opens random drawer, finds nothing, closes it*
nasa employee: a time loo- uh, we donât have food in hereâŚwe canâtâŚeat in the control room, only the break-room.
astronaut: *sighs*
nasa employee:âŚmy lunch is in like 10 minutes, though, and if my lunch is actually STILL THERE and not STOLEN, AGAIN, i can share it with yo-
astronaut: nah, thatâs okâŚno time. *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* orâŚtoo much time. but thanks, anyway. OK, bye!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: youâreâŚwelcome? wait, a TIME LOOP?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: yup.
nasa employee: âŚ?Â
astronaut: *sitting down next to nasa employee* soâŚdo you ever likeâŚwonder what the meaning of life is? the secrets of the universe?
nasa employee: arenât you supposed to be ON the MOON?!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: hey, what the hell is that?
astronaut: thatâs the code red override klaxon. moonâs stuck in a time loop. oh, and thereâs an explosion imminent. But donât worry, we can deal with that tomorrow. So, you have any siblings? *pulls beer out of space suit, cracks tab* want a drink?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: do you know frank in IT?
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: do you know frank, who works in IT?Â
nasa employee: yeah, but why are you guys back so early?Â
astronaut: moonâs stuck in a time loop. call frank, tell him thereâs a virus in the security patch and the systemâs compromised. then get the hell out of the base.Â
nasa employee: wait what? what? where are you guys going?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* back to the moon. itâs stuck in a time loop. call frank!Â
nasa employee: *picks up phone* ugh, straight to voicemail. i wonder wha-
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: *grim silence*
nasa employee: i said, you guys are back earlyâŚhey, what are youâŚ?Â
astronaut: *randomly opening drawers until they find a pair of scissors and some duct tape, getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
*sticks head back out the door of the rocket-ship* by the way, if you go to the break-room in exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds, youâll catch the person whoâs been stealing your lunches for the past two weeks.
nasa employee: what?! WHO IS IT?!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: *running for the break-room* FUCK!!!!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *sits down, sighs, pulls a beer out from their spacesuit* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: âŚok, and? hang on, how did you get a beer? you canât have that in here.
astronaut: what do you know about project floyd?
nasa employee: I mean, the usual amount? iâm not really on the project anymore, why?Â
*alarm begins blaring*Â
astronaut: COME WITH ME TO THE ROCKET-SHIP, we donât have ti-
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: yeah. moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop. see you tomorrow. maybe.
nasa employee: WHAT?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *sighs, rubs hands over face, and loads pistol, before getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop. and, uhâŚyou should call your mother like youâve been meaning to. and tell her youâre not actually mad and that you will come to dinner tonight. youâre gonna be hungry.
nasa employee: wait, what? WHAT?? how do you know my mom?! why am i gonna be -
*alarm begins blaring*Â
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says âAIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,â starting to get back on the rocket-ship, but dropping everything with a horrendous clatter* FUCK! goddamn moonâs stuck in a time loop.
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what? also, hey, whereâd you get that duffel bag?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says âAIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,â shoving them into the bag, and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl-Â
astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately*Â
nasa employee: what? WHAT?!
astronaut: *loading a single pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop, sweetheart.Â
nasa employee: what?!?
astronaut: a time loop!!! i love you!!! get out of the base!!! stay alive!!!
nasa employee: *presses fingers to lips, confused but intrigued, as alarm begins blaring*Â
nasa employee:âŚ.
nasa employee:âŚ
nasa employee: ho hum what a regular day at the office
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: what the hell is that?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl-Â
astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately*Â
nasa employee: what? what?! WHAT!?!? also, hey, whereâd you get that duffel bag?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says âAIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,â shoving them into the bag, then cupping nasa employeeâs cheek with free hand* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: the moonâs stuck in a what?!
astronaut: a time loop, sweetheart, but we donât have much time ourselves, so you have to listen to me RIGHT now
nasa employee: *faintly* âŚâsweetheartâ?!
astronaut: in 2 minutes and a few seconds, you need to go into the break-room and find frank.
nasa employee: wait, frank from IT?
astronaut: yes.
nasa employee: how do you know heâs gonna be in the break-room? i canât just call him at his desk right now?
astronaut: how do i know this?! because, one, time loop, ok? andâŚalsoâŚbecauseâŚheismaybetheguywhohasbeenstealingyourlunchfortwoweeks
nasa employee: that BASTARD i KNEW it
astronaut: BUT THATâS NOT WHATâS IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. hey! listen to me! go in there, catch him red-handed with your burrito, and tell him lunch is on you FOREVER if he goes RIGHT NOW and checks the last security patch - because thereâs a virus and the whole systemâs compromised. then you need to get the hell out of this base, ok?
nasa employee: âŚok. ok. andâŚand what about you?
astronaut: *cocking pistol and getting back into rocket-ship with duffel bag* me? iâm gonna shoot for the moon.
EPILOGUE:
nasa employee: so, how many loops in total?
astronaut: i mean, it was hard to keep track. somewhere around six months, if i had to guess.
nasa employee: damn.
astronaut: yeah.
nasa employee: and in those six MONTHS, the best zinger you came up with was âshoot for the moonâ?
astronaut: hey, you know what, i had some other stuff on my mind!
nasa employee: i mean, i guess. it sounded like you found time to flirt with me each time.
astronaut: yeah, like i said. other stuff on my mind.
*they look at each other, blush, and look away*
astronaut: sooooooo. youâre sure your mom is cool with me coming over for dinner?
nasa employee: canât make the day any weirder. plus, i owe you for ratting out frank, right?
astronaut: he did help us save the world; we canât be too mad at him.
nasa employee: youâve had a little while to get over it, i might need some more time. and it wasnât even your food!
astronaut: ok, thatâs fair. what if i buy you lunch to make up for it?
nasa employee: hmm, when?
astronaut: tomorrow?
nasa employee: well, iâll have left overs from my mom, and you might too if you play your cards right. day after tomorrow?
astronaut: honestly, anytime is good for me.
Nora Sakavic says that Neil Josten does not cry because he does not have it in him. It's been beaten out of him. I, who knows all, say that this is because if Andrew Minyard ever saw a singular tear roll down Neil Josten's face he might just cause the end of the world. Genuinely I don't think that Andrew would be able to function. Neil crying is a one-way ticket back to jail. WDYM you made his Neil cry
Neil is sad Andrew nudges him and tells him to get over it. Neil cries Andrew takes a deep breath and then we as a civilization are GONE
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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