Kway Archive

kneeling preceded language.

obedience preceded comprehension.

belief arrived not as invitation but as installation… a system embedded early, before consent had grammar.

they called it catechism.

i call it calibration.

my spine learned curvature before my mind learned objection.

faith was framed as inevitability, God as perimeter, divinity as an omnipresent audit that mistook surveillance for love.

i learned scripture as one learns evacuation routes- by repetition, with the understanding that error incurred penalty.

salvation was not offered.

it was enforced through fear rendered polite.

it functioned until i learned to read precisely.

until i noticed how often mystery replaced coherence, how frequently authority substituted for answer, how seamlessly contradiction was transubstantiated into virtue.

omnipotence that required suffering.

omniscience that demanded proof.

mercy that exacted blood.

free will engineered within a rigged tribunal.

a God who could prevent devastation yet elected pedagogy through harm.

they called this love.

they called this plan.

they called this goodness scaled large enough to crush scrutiny.

i attempted allegiance.

i attempted reverence patched over fracture.

but the theology did not withstand pressure.

a system that punishes curiosity and canonizes submission is not sacred.

it is efficient.

i could not worship a moral framework that collapsed when interrogated.

i could not kneel before a logic that sanctified violence by inflating the perpetrator.

yet i did not abandon the form.

because religion, evacuated of deity, remains the most accurate architecture for weight.

for guilt that does not dissolve.

for devotion that disciplines behavior.

for judgment that does not require spectators.

for love that demands posture.

i retained the ritual.

i excised the idol.

i kept the liturgy because liturgy understands what belief obscures: that humans require structure to contain what would otherwise annihilate them.

i write in sacrament because sacrament carries consequence without pretending it is justified.

i write in prayer because prayer admits longing without promising response.

i say amen not because i believe in an auditor, but because endings deserve gravity.

because silence requires punctuation.

because finality, when untreated, becomes haunt.

this is not rebellion.

this is autopsy.

i am not hostile to God.

i simply found Him redundant to explain responsibility.

i do not require heaven to justify care.

i do not require hell to understand consequence.

i learned morality not from doctrine, but from witnessing what doctrine permitted.

i learned restraint not from commandments, but from the wreckage left behind by certainty.

so i kneel now only to what is verifiable.

to memory.

to consequence.

to love that legislates behavior without absolution.

i preserve the cathedral.

i removed the throne.

if something listens, it will survive honesty.

if nothing listens, then this ritual still matters.

because meaning does not require surveillance.

only intention.

only accountability.

only the refusal to outsource ethics to a watching sky.

this is my final liturgy.

not belief.

but discipline.

not worship.

but care.

not god.

but gravity.

see are the cracks in the porcelain

mask I wear. You fill the cracks with

gold as if it will prolong my life, but I

will soon be nothing but dust and slivers

of gold which cannot be cast into

anything new. I think where there is

porcelain dust there must also be

[mushrooms sprouting to feed you.]

AUGHHH