back @ square one

“Have you finished with your incessant scratching?”

You perked up, regarding War with a curious blink. A lazy smile tugged at your lips. “I can be.” You sat up and set the pencil within the gutter of your sketchbook before snapping it shut and putting the book off to the side.

War grunted, turning away once more. The usual scowl, ever present on his face, deeper than normal. “I do not think I will ever understand your fascination with me.” Tone always rough, coarse and deep, but with a very distinct edge to it not normally present.

You leaned to the side, feigning a curious tilt of the head as you unfolded your legs and stretched out. The mark on War’s forehead smoldered a faint orange. You watched him carefully. Years of artistic training and practice made you quite perceptive. Strife boasted that your eyes were nearly as sharp as his, a compliment you held with high regard. You rubbed the bottoms of your bare feet against the carpeting of your floor. Playing innocent. Many assumed that War was brutish. That his sheer strength equated an overall lack of intelligence. But you knew better. He possessed the mind of a tactician, cautious and attuned to another’s shift in demeanor. “Mmm…what’s that supposed to mean? I happen to think you’re quite lovely to look at.”

War’s jaw drew tight as he sighed. The mark flickered; bright enough to cast away the hooded shadows for only a moment. You eyed him carefully. War wasn’t particularly talkative. Most of his intent was delivered through body language and subtle shifts in tone. You’d been around the Nephilim long enough to piece together his secret language. Knew that you were staring down a clearly agitated War. The fact that he refused to meet your eye was indication enough something was amiss. He’d never been particularly shy. You’d been drawing him for months without issue, but as you pieced together past interactions, a common thread began to form between them all. Now that you really thought about it, this wasn’t the first time he’d shown hints of agitation toward your renditions. Like he might have been uncomfortable with your fascination with him but he lacked the words to tell you otherwise.

“War, what’s wrong?” you asked, scooting to the edge of the sofa cushion. You adopted a frown, feeling discomfort worm its way into your chest.

He grunted in your direction, still refusing to look at you. “Why is your first instinct to always assume something is wrong?”

He was deflecting. You knew your insatiable curiosity could be irritating at times (goodness knows the friendly angels and demons had no shortage of comments on that particular human quirk), but for the youngest to so quickly be adverse to your inquisitive nature so clearly born from worry set a little alarm off in the back of your head. War was so painfully blunt. To fault. Naturally adverse to lying with a penchant for meeting obstacles head on and bulldozing through them with little tact. It deepened your frown and wrought anxiety upon your heart. Like you’d crossed some unseen line.

You leaned forward, clasping your hands together as you laid your arms atop your legs. “You’ve never gotten huffy with me before. I thought you didn’t mind me drawing you?” you asked, careful to structure your questions. The last thing you wanted to do was step on a proverbial land mine and be on the wrong end of War’s gnashing teeth and cutting words. You watched him carefully, mindful of the exits just in case you needed to make a hasty retreat on the high chance your foot happened to make its way into your mouth.

He grumbled in your direction once more. The metal of his battle regalia clinked as he shifted in his seat. The cushion protested. Human furniture was so ill suited to support his large frame. War dipped his head just enough to hide his eyes, but the glow of his mark - a reflection of his inner state - betrayed the attempt and made it easy to see him grit his teeth. He bared his fangs to the floor below.

Your brows furrowed. Against your better judgement, you stood and slowly padded over to War until you stood just before him. Even when seated, the youngest still sat taller than you.

“War?” you asked quietly. You swallowed and brought your hands before you, wringing them with anxious energy.

He offered no reaction, still refusing to meet your eyes. His shoulders sagged, just a touch, as he remained deathly quiet. Contemplating? Or lost in thought? It was hard to say as you bit your lip and weighed your options.

You reached a hand forward, pausing momentarily, almost frightened at the potential outcome. You gathered the scraps of your courage with a deep breath before resting your hand atop his gauntlet. The second joined the first, both pressing lightly into the metal. The gesture was enough to pull him from whatever daze he’d found himself in as War finally met your eyes. You desperately tried to read his expression, but the swirl of emotion in his eyes made it difficult to decipher. He looked troubled. Such a foreign look that formed a pit deep in your stomach.

“If…if you don’t want me to draw you anymore, then I won’t. You know I hate drawing people without their permission,” you offered, voice so soft it was nearly a whisper. Your heart clenched with a deep ache. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable if it’s upsetting you.”

War sighed. A deep, rumbling sound you felt more than heard. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them once more. Expression more composed, less uncertain. You offered your best smile, patting his hand before moving away. The assumption that he was fine spurred your distance. War halted you with a large hand on your wrist, keeping you in place.

“No.”

You looked up at him, eyes wide and heart in your throat. You searched his expression. Tried to find a meaning.

“Huh? W-what?”

“You may keep drawing me. I know you enjoy it,” War said. The grip on your wrist, once firm, began to relax. Always so worried his boundless strength would cause you harm.

“I, but…okay, well, it’s obviously bothering you?” You tilted your head at him, brows scrunched together as you puzzled his words. Frustration curdled in your chest. “I’m not going to do something that very clearly–”

“It’s not you.” War’s tone was as sharp as his sword. You jumped in his grip as it cut down your budding irritation. He pulled away, hands laid on his knees once again as he drew up his shoulders, avoiding your eyes in a somewhat aggravating repetition.

This was not your Horseman. This was not War. This was unnerving, his behavior. His aversion, so unlike the Nephilim you’d come to know. But through it all there was a nagging sense of familiarity. Like you’d seen this behavior before. Not on him, but elsewhere. You watched him meticulously. Studied the well memorized features of the youngest as you watched them bend and contort in such an unusual way. Several awkward and tense moments passed before the realization finally struck you like a bolt of lighting. You inwardly seethed, turning your prior frustration against yourself for not piecing it together sooner.

“War,” you began hesitantly. You laid a hand atop his, bargaining for his attention. “Are you…are you self-conscious?”

His head snapped up, eyes smoldering with contempt. “What? What are you on about?”

The well familiar sting of self-consciousness wormed its way into you under the youngest’s scrutiny. You pulled away from him, wrist slipping from his now lax grip as you nervously rubbed at your arm.  You found it difficult to look at him, but pushed through the discomfort in order to chase the answers you so desperately sought. “You know like…like you don’t like how you look? Or maybe there’s one thing you really can’t stand?” You scrambled for explanations, eyes watching War with a nervous intensity. Waiting for a change. “It’s a pretty common feeling in humans, especially the younger ones as they come of age.”

A muscle in War’s jaw jumped as he grit his teeth and you briefly wondered if you’d accidentally insulted him. Maybe it hadn’t been the smartest thing to compare his sudden behavior with that of young human’s. You tried to smile. An awkward quirk of the lips becoming a poor attempt at alleviating the tension as you swallowed the growing lump in your throat. War sighed. The sound harsh and biting as he gripped his knees tighter. It was sudden and made you jump.

His eyes fell to the carpet. An awkward silence blanketed you both. You began to fidget.

“No one has ever looked upon me with such…fondness before,” War admitted. The edge in his voice had dissipated. His shoulders dropped as he spoke, the tension bleeding out from his hunched form.

“I…really?” you asked in a stupor.

He lifted his face, familiar scowl present. But the expression didn’t quite meet his eyes. It dissolved your lingering frustration as you attempted to pin the emotion. Discomfort? Unease?

Embolden by his admission, you stepped toward him, reaching small hands up and cupping his face in your palms. War grasped at your wrists, not to stop you, but rather just to feel you. “But…you’re so beautiful,” you said softly, eyes searching his own.

“I am a Nephilim. Built for war. We are not meant to be beautiful.”

You frowned, lips turned downward as a crease formed between your brows. Your hands traveled up, meeting no resistance as War relinquished his lax grip. The hood hiding his face was carefully removed, exposing his features to the light as you ran your fingers through snow white hair until they came to rest on his jaw once more. “Says who?” you said, idly running a thumb over his skin.

War closed his eyes in response. He breathed deep. “There was no other that looked like me. Delicate. Angelic.”

He grasped one of your hands in his and moved it further up his face until the pads of your fingers touched the mark you were so achingly curious about. The skin was coarse and jagged beneath your touch. You traced the far too meticulous lines, growing intimately familiar with its anatomy. War remained silent, allowing you the time to memorize his most hidden feature. You’d never seen the mark so openly on display, let alone touch it.

“They branded me for my crime.”

You locked eyes with War, expression morphing from curiosity to horror. Mouth agape, you struggled for words. “W-who?” You swallowed, tongue thick in your mouth.

“The Nephilim.”

“Your siblings?” you asked, voice hitching and chest twisting tight.

War grabbed your hand and removed it from his mark. He held it in his own, running the thumb over the back of your hand. A comforting gesture you weren’t sure was meant more for you or him. Or both, given the gravity of his revelation. “No. Not them. The ones we rode against eons ago. Far before your time.”

“Oh…oh, War.” You looked down before settling your eyes on his mark once more. “I’m so sorry.”

He furrowed his brows at you. “Why do you apologize? You were not the one to brand me.”

You scoffed, heart aching for War. “Because…because it was a horrible thing to go through.” You looked up at him, concerned and incredulous as your eyes filled with tears. “I can’t believe you were put through something so barbaric. All over something so…so…” You grit your teeth as the words failed you. The unbelievable torment War had been put through ages ago and carried with him into the present was so raw and painful to you, you struggled to voice it. Tears fell down your cheeks as your body shuddered with each breath. “If I had known what you’d been through…how it bothered you, then…then I never would have drawn you. I’d have stopped forever ago. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

War cupped your cheek. He practically held your whole head in the palm of his oversized hand. You leaned into the touch as you cried for him, chest tight and twisting and agonizing over your Horseman. Over his long carried pain.

“No. I want you to continue drawing.” War paused, watching you sniffle in his hand before eying the discarded sketchbook. He glanced back at you, features finally softening. The tension easing as the mark lost its glow. “When I see myself through your eyes, it…eases the sting. I forget their words.”

You nodded into his palm with another sniff. A wet, wavering laugh burst from your throat at your Horseman’s brutal honesty. His usual self returned before you, bit by bit. The relief was immediate as your chest lightened. “Okay,” you said, patting his hand, “if that’s what you want, War, then I’ll keep doing them at your behest.”

“Good.” He wiped away your tears. “Such an emotional creature. Eagerly feeling pain for others when it is not yours to feel in the first place.”

You laughed once more. No doubt looking as shitty as you felt as you nuzzled into his hand before grabbing his face. “Sorry. My heart’s too big for my tiny body.” You pressed your lips to his in a tender kiss. Admiring his warmth as it eased your grief born of his truth.

War reciprocated the gesture, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you into his lap. He held you close, enveloping you in his bulk. The kiss was broken as War pulled away to press his face into the crook of your neck. Your flesh grew hot as he inhaled your scent and planted another kiss to the delicate skin. “It is what I admire most about you,” he murmured.

You shivered at the heat of his breath. The vibrations of his voice. He kissed once more before you felt the familiar nip of his sharpened fangs against your softer skin. His most intimate form of affection.  “I thought it made me ‘too soft,’” you quoted. You smiled through the tears, fondly remembering the teasing and exasperated remarks of he and his siblings in moments past for your more delicate nature.

“It does. But I like that you are soft.” War proved his point but tucking you deeper into his body. Thick arms kept you caged against his chest, not that you were complaining. You nuzzled into his armor, fingers running through his long, white hair.

“And I think…you’re beautiful. My favorite muse. Maybe if it’s not too much trouble…you could ditch the hood around me when it’s just us?” you asked tentatively, looking up at him through long lashes.

He was quiet for a moment, regarding you and your request. War curled tighter around you, sighing into your neck once more. “Very well. Just for you.” The growl of his voice almost sounded possessive. It was comforting, to be desired.

You closed your eyes with a gentle smile as you eased into him. “Thank you,” you sighed in content.

You could never undo the scars War carried. Couldn’t quite erase them, no matter how desperate you may have been to do so. But you were hopeful that, at the very least, you could color them in a new light. A brighter one. One born of love and affection.