Tumblin' On and On....

Seeing that performance recognized on one of Canada’s biggest stages feels incredibly rewarding. Williams’ win is also historic in its own right. At just 25 years old, he became the youngest performer ever to win Best Lead Performer, Drama, at the Canadian Screen Awards, accomplishing the feat on his very first nomination.”

- Q+ Magazine

He couldnt even move the car during game day, and sometimes even during non game days bc people wouls try to see the players b4 and after practice.

Shane would have been dealing with this shit since he was 18/19.

Sidney Crosby once talked how he always wore a cap during game days and his parents wouldnt say his name in public bc otherwise he'd be harassed by parents of the other team. At 12.

Shane and Ilya have the kind of skill that would have been making waves since before they were teens.

Oh this is really interesting insight.

You are revolutionary and beautiful simply by existing. You are made of magic and share it wherever you go. Your whimsy, your fire, and your compassion can change the world. Stand firm for yourself and your community.

Even if you don't feel safe to express who you are yet, know that you are safe with me--whoever you are is what I will see. Even if all you can do right now is internally accept yourself, that is still an incredibly important step. There is always a place for you, whether you find that place or create that place.

Take up space! Experiment! Be silly, or be refined. Be loud, or be quiet. Be colorful, or be monochrome.

Be.

If you're looking for a sign, this is it. Remember what Pride stands for: fighting for the right to self-determine, the right to live your truth without persecution, and the right to openly love who you are. It is never too late to start.

Come join me in the grand tradition of breaking the mold--because what about us was ever going to fit expectations, anyway?

I've gone. Not one for goodbyes, I thought it best to slip out quietly. Love to you all, Giles.

“Spoiler,” Shane said with a shaky laugh. “I wake up.” “I know,” Ilya said quietly.

i mean the thing is like yes shane has an eating disorder but it’s orthorexia NOT anorexia (which i often see ppl giving him but that’s incorrect). he is very intentionally meeting all caloric and nutritional needs to an exacting exacting degree. that makes it a little more complicated in this scenario because he will never be medically motivated into treatment, like unlike anorexia or bulimia this doesn’t put him at physical risk so he’s never going to like have a doctors appointment where they confront him about this. in fact the opposite he is in an industry and culture where this is super rewarded. what a doctor is going to tell him to eat less healthy? the detriment is to his mental health only.

once he retires maybe he would ease up but actually i think he would clamp down because he’s losing control of his life and also aging, and aging and dying is terrifying to shane to a degree that it isn’t to most people. like yeah i know mr gloomy sunday rozanov isn’t the prime example of desire to live but there is a middle ground between them that most people are at. ilya’s volunteering as tribute but meanwhile shane is out here on some “IF i ever die…” shit.

A kiddo who is a bit on the chunky side and self-conscious about it asks Shane for help dieting and he is Ready, he can fix this problem, he introduces the kiddo to the wonderful/awful world of food journaling and portion control and never giving into the sugar cravings. Ilya hates it and that leads to frequent fights, made worse by the fact that Yuna — absolutely well-intentioned — totally supports the dieting. It’s healthy, Ilya! The pediatrician agrees with us!

Cut to the kiddo tearfully going to Ilya and confessing they’ve been having nightmares about food. Or worse, going full bulimic.

Until he gets older, and his body no longer does what he expects it to during matches. I don't see him having a fear of death particularly, but not being able to perform the way he's used to on the ice would terrify him.

Then I can see him trying to make every calorie be "optimum nutrition," and increasing the amount he exercises to ridiculous levels. Overexercising might be what brings it to people's attention, or at least more people than Ilya, who's already worried about him. Shane knows the body needs recovery periods, but that's not working anymore, he's not getting the results he needs so he works out more and more, and his health eventually suffers for it.

the idea of shane who denies himself SO MUCH and optimizes SO MUCH OF HIS LIFE and is SO focused and SO dedicated

but who cannot resist the siren call of Forbidden Mangoes

it ends up being his end of season treat

he did a whole season, he did a great job, he stayed focused and On It the whole year. other people celebrate with champagne. shane celebrates with an allergen.

shane who has one last photoshoot to knock out before he's free and is just oh no :) it conflicts with my husband's schedule :) guess that means ilya can't go with me :) so sad :)

why are you so happy

i'm not :)

then he does the photoshoot and has knocked out the last thing he has to do in front of a camera for a while.

now it is Mango Time.

he facetimes ilya with the lights down WAY low later and ilya just ?? shane??? i can barely see you, malysh. turn a light on.

uuuhh, no thanks. it's sexier like this.

what? i want to se-

...

shane is it the fucking mangoes

...no

SHANE

YOU GET TO SMOKE SOMETIMES. I GET TO EAT MANGOES.

ARE YOU FORGETTING PART WHERE ALLERGIES CAN GET WORSE WITH EXPOSURE?

THEN I SHOULD ENJOY THEM WHILE I CAN

because besides jj and hayden, in tlg it feels like the voyageurs treat shane’s sexuality as the elephant in the room (whether that’s intentional on their part or not) and it adds to shane feeling shame/isolation and is part of the reason why he still feels the need to keep his relationship with ilya a secret.

i’d say most of the voyageurs accept shane’s sexuality (in my opinion) because shane doesn’t “shove it in their faces” like scott hunter (this is definitely true in the case of commissioner crowell based on his conversation with shane in tlg.) i always just imagine the reactions from montreal being uncomfortable and awkwardly accepting but not ever addressing it after. which to shane is better than them being grossed out and being obviously homophobic about it (though i do think shane internalizes the shame from their reaction he just doesn’t see how it manifests in him protecting his relationship with ilya so hard and wanting to keep it a secret until he retires.)

the audience especially needs a moment like that because people have such a hard time understanding why shane wanted to keep going with their original plans in tlg. and i have already seen reaction videos to hr where people are like “why don’t shane and ilya just come out? scott hunter did with no problem!” as if they are under similar circumstances.

I don't think the Metros would've reacted as badly as they did to Shane having a serious boyfriend/fiance who wasn't Ilya. But I still think they would've reacted fairly badly if they'd been forced to face up to Shane being a romantic and sexual being.

One who's gay, in love with a man, and refusing to hide it any longer to protect their delicate sensibilities. And refusing to act like his relationship is lesser than their heterosexual marriages and relationships.

Nobody in the Metros locker room (except for my poor JJ) tries to set Shane up with eligible bachelors, even though they think he's single. They NEVER ask what he did on his days off (probably for fear of getting an honest answer). They do not want to know about his sex life. Which means they also do not want to know about his romantic life.

The Metros' acceptance is a lot like the acceptance I got from certain family members with whom I am no longer on speaking terms. They could handle me being a lesbian as long as it stayed strictly theoretical. Once they had to meet a girlfriend or hear about political issues that directly affected me as a queer person, they were NOT happy. My queerness had gone from theoretical (and therefore easy to ignore) to a real part of my life they had to engage with.

I mean, the FanMail video is not particularly sexual. Ilya and Shane are making out, yes. It's not a chaste peck on the lips. But they're both fully clothed, and remain so. They've snuck away for a private moment while visiting the Pikes, it isn't foreplay. And It's definitely not a sex tape. But the video forces everybody in-universe to see Shane as someone who wants to passionately kiss his fiancé in a secluded corner.

In a way it's worse for the Metros that it's not a prelude to a fuck. If it had been a sex tape, that would've been salacious. they could've been simultaneously titillated and disgusted by the reality of gay sex.

If Ilya had been a random nice guy in Montreal, Shane might have brought him to team barbecues, but they would've never touched in front of anyone. Everybody would've known intellectually that they were meeting Hollzy's boyfriend. But if there was no PDA, they could mostly pretend this guy was just a buddy.

But the video shows Shane and Ilya in an intensely domestic moment. It can’t be dismissed as a hookup, this is couple stuff. Helping the Pikes with their kids, looking for Arthur's missing toy. And yet, sufficiently enamoured with each other to sneak into a secluded corner and kiss passionately before they return to the alligator hunt.

Not kissing because they're about to have sex, and not existing as inoffensive Ken dolls who never touch I front of their “friends” to avoid offending straight people. Just kissing for the sheer joy of Kissing, when you're in love, you're happy, and you want to be close. Like any happy, recently engaged couple.

For the Metros, the video is the worst of both worlds. It's too much romance to dismiss as just sex, and too sexual to dismiss as inoffensive. THey feel like Shane's relationship with Ilya is being "shoved down their throats", in the time-honoured (and revealing) expression favoured by homophobes.

And yeah, part of it is that it's Ilya. But the worst of the rivalry cooled years ago. Everyone already knows Shane and Ilya are friends. But the nature of the video leak forces them to acknowledge Shane as a sexual being who is also deeply in love.

Shane is doing both those things while being gay. And while refusing to compromise on the importance of his relationship with Ilya. And worst of all, refusing to grovel to them and beg forgiveness for loving Ilya and wanting to spend the rest of their lives together.

Every group contains a mushy middle, who go with the flow. I’m sure there are players on the Centaurs who are NOT cool with Troy being gay and Ilya being bisexual. And I’m sure there are players on the Metros who are (reasonably) cool with Shane being gay. Remember, hockey teams are big, and we only get a small number of named players on either team with personalities. But in both groups, they go with the majority consensus pushed by louder people with stronger feelings. 

Which in the Metros is that Shane is an evil traitor who’s sleeping with the enemy, and in the Centaurs “Troy’s a cool guy, and it sucks Ilya and Shane got outed”. We don’t actually meet a lot of named Metros or Centaurs. There are surely others as well who are more on the fence and going with the flow. Peer pressure at work. 

But getting back to institutional culture, I need to break it down, because there are different things happening. 

Coach Wiebe vs. Coach Theriault

The Harris Drover Factor

The Ilya and Wyatt Factor

The Troy and Harris Factor

The Ilya and Shane Factor

Coach Wiebe vs. Coach Theriault:

A fish rots from the head, meaning the attitudes of whoever is in charge permeate downwards. Metros coach Theriault is viscerally disgusted with Shane when the tape leaks. Yeah, the League told THeriault to bench Shane, but it’s clear he would’ve done it anyway. To Theriault, Shane falling in love with his rival is an unpardonable sin. That attitude permeates down to the players Theriault coaches. 

And I’m guessing the Metros GM and owner feel similarly. So even before the tape leaked, Shane being gay was an embarrassing secret that was not to be spoken of. “Thank God he doesn’t want to come out publicly and be an activist like Scott Hunter. We never have to talk about it or think about Shane being gay once we know. We can just ignore it.” After the leak, the gloves came off. So the Metros players are getting direction from above.

Also, Shane is their best player, but he’s been with the Metros for a decade. Management and Coach Theriault have become complacent about quite how much Shane brings to the team. He’s always been there, improving them. But they've never had to do without him. They don't recognize how much of those 3 cups came from Shane's brilliance as well as team effort and good coaching.

And then we have Coach Wiebe, who is (very quietly) bisexual and has his own experience of having had his career derailed by a same-sex crush. When Theriault confronts Shane, he asks “Was it a joke?” And Shane knows the only acceptable answer is yes. When Wiebe “confronts” Ilya about the video, he asks, “Is it serious?” But he’s not asking if it was a joke, he’s asking if Ilya and Shane’s RELATIONSHIP is serious. 

Wiebe already realizes it wasn’t a prank. He just wants to find out if this was a hookup or a serious relationship. These are ENTIRELY different conversations between captain and coach. Wiebe doesn’t say outright “I accept your relationship”, but he definitely holds space for Ilya to admit it in a non-judgmental conversation. 

Wiebe also benches Ilya, but unlike Theriault, he makes it clear it was the league’s decision and he tried to advocate on Ilya’s behalf with Commissioner Crowell. Same outcome as Shane and Theriault, but getting there in a radically different way. Wiebe also says he’s spoken to the GM and owners and they support Ilya. 

The Centaurs GM and owners aren’t necesssarily less homophobic than the Metros GM and owners, but Ilya is their best player, and they haven’t had him long enough to grow complacent about what he brings to the team. It’s only Ilya’s third season in Ottawa, and he’s brought them into playoff contention (along with Wyatt Hayes and Troy Barrett). Shane’s heroics for the Metros started eleven seasons ago. 

Also, Wiebe, the GM, and the owners have probably realized (or soon will) that Ilya signed with Ottawa to be geographically closer to Shane. One of the best players in the League chose to come to a shitty team because he was in love with Shane Hollander. And Ilya has improved the Centaurs. Their love story is helping Ottawa’s bottom line. 

The Harris Drover Factor:

The Centaurs already have a flamboyant gay man on staff who has to frequently interact with the players (Harris, their social media person). They’ve powered through the initial weirdness of having a very out and proud queer person in their midst. They’ve realized he’s a professional, hes’ good at his job, he makes them look good to the fans, and he’s not trying to “convert” the straight players. And Harris is a likeable guy. 

There probably was some initial weirdness, at least for some players. But I’m sure Wiebe, Ilya and Wyatt would’ve cracked down on anyone expressing that too openly. Some Centaurs may not be 100% comfortable with Harris, but the consensus opinion is he’s a cool guy who tells funny stories. So they tamp that down and go with the flow. 

So the Centaurs’ institutional culture is already primed for an out gay player. Because they have a good relationship with an out gay front office person whose job involves regular interactions with the players. Yes, the Metros also have someone who’s out and gay, Shane. But Shane can’t talk about his secret relationship with Ilya (not that most of them would want to hear it). Harris can and likely does mention dates he went on that were terrible, Shane isn’t in a position to do that. Shane's gayness is something the Metros never talk about. Harris's gayness is something he freely discusses.

The Ilya and Wyatt Factor:

Ilya is one of the best players in the league, and he chose to come to a terrible team. Ilya is apparently straight, but an aggressively inclusive ally. He’s friends with Shane Hollander, who rumour has it is gay. He invites gay, lesbian, and trans players to coach the Irina Foundation summer hockey camps. While in NYC, he goes to the gay sports bar Scott Hunter owns and bickers with him there. While acting like that's a totally normal thing to do. Ilya’s the captain and comes down hard on homophobia. So more homophobic Centaurs learn to keep it to themselves. 

Starting goalie Wyatt Hayes is the other best player on the team, and is an All Star. He has a sister he adores who’s a married lesbian with a child, and he does not like homophobia. In an environment full of toxic masculinity like his former team Toronto, Wyatt doesn’t Bring up his lesbian sister or her family. But once in Ottawa, he’s open about them. Amazing goalie, saves them from humiliation when the other Centaurs are struggling. An important leadership voice and an assertive ally.

And again, anything Ilya and Wyatt say to their team gets backed up by Wiebe. So the coach and the best players are setting the tone for everyone else to follow. Homophobes know to grumble very quietly. And the mushy middle realize maybe queer people aren’t as scary as they had assumed. Since Wiebe, Wyatt Hayes, and Ilya are all apparently straight, and don't find queer people scary.

The Troy and Harris Factor:

Troy Barrett gets traded to Ottawa mid-season, has a bad reputation but he’s a great player. He initially stumbles and the Centaurs wonder if he’s worth it. He’s also a total grump on and off the ice. And then he starts following the social media guy around like a duckling that’s imprinted on a human. Troy starts clicking with his new team on the ice, and off the ice, his crush on Harris is becoming fairly obvious. 

It’s cute, and the Centaurs are watching the romance play out in real time. Troy’s emerging relationship with Harris coincides with him becoming an asset to the team, and much less of a surly grump off the ice. Watching them fall for each other is cute and charming for the other players.

It’s also very PG rated where the Centaurs can see. Troy isn’t dragging Harris into equipment closets to blow him. The most sexual thing they do at work is kiss in Harris’s office. It’s a cute gay love story that isn’t sexually threatening to straight men’s perceptions of their own masculinity. 

And they realize peer pressure of the negative kind was what made Troy such an asshole when he played for Toronto. He was closeted and terrified of being outed. So he participated in homophobic and sexist bullshit to protect his own secret. The Centaurs are thinking, “Wow, homophobia and having to be closeted must suck. Since Troy’s actually a cool guy now.” 

Troy comes out to the team, and people are happy for him. At least the named Centaurs are. We don’t know about the unnamed Centaurs. But again, institutional culture is playing a part, in a positive way. Some of them are weirded out, most likely, but the team culture rewards being happy for them. Or at least not being vocally unhappy about having an out gay teammate. Wiebe reacts well, and so do the GM and owners. 

The Ilya and Shane Factor:

When Ilya and Shane get outed, the Centaurs have already done this, with Troy. A pattern has been set. No such positive pattern has been set at the Metros. The Centaurs are riding a high, they’re making the playoffs for the first time in a decade. And Ilya was a big part of that. Of course they want him to be happy in his personal life.

It’s kind of weird that Shane Hollander is apparently who makes him happy, but they roll with it. Anyone who has a problem with it learns to keep it to themselves for fear of a harsh reaction from the coach or other prominent players. And the mushy middle go with the flow. 

With the Metros, everyone feels betrayed, including the coach, the GM, and the owners. Shane didn’t follow the unwritten rules, and worst of all, he isn’t even repentant. He won’t beg forgiveness for falling in love with his rival. 

Then Tripgate happens, and everyone except Hayden and JJ turn on Shane. The Centaurs haven’t made the playoffs in a decade. It’s embarrassing for an amazing team like to Metros to lose to them in the first round. It MUST be because Shane threw the game for his boytoy. Everybody at the Metros thought Shane fucking his archrival was a terrible idea, and Tripgate just confirms it. They need a scapegoat for their embarrassing loss, and Shane is an easy target. 

The Centaurs realize Tripgate was an accident in part because it benefits them. They can be clear-headed about the fact that sometimes players trip. Especially when they’re exhausted at the very end of a hard-fought playoff game. They are predisposed to think Shane is innocent (which he is).

They got to the second round of the playoffs, and they don’t want to think it’s because their captain’s boyfriend threw the game. They want to believe they earned it (which they did). So they’re predisposed to give Shane the benefit of the doubt, unlike the Metros.

The Centaurs are also reading that statement Farah wrote about Shane and Ilya having been in a relationship for “several years”. I’m sure they discuss it among themselves and soon realize Ilya moved to Ottawa 3 years ago because it was the closest MLH team to Montreal.

THey made the playoffs this year because Ilya fell in love with Shane Hollander several years ago. They should send Hollander flowers for dickmatizing Ilya into leaving Boston! Also, the coach, GM, and owners are likely having similar realizations.

Shane gets hounded out of Montreal, and the Centaurs are primed to be sympathetic. They’re getting one of the best players in the league, and he’s taken a substantial pay cut, as well. Just to live in the same city and play alongside his fiance. How could the Centaurs get any luckier? Of course they’ll be welcoming. 

Montreal’s homophobia is helping Ottawa by getting them Shane Hollander, just as Toronto’s misogyny and embrace of rape culture helped Ottawa by getting them Troy Barrett. Every time other teams show their prejudices, the Centaurs get stronger. 

Even the Centaurs who privately think it’ll be fucking weird to play alongside husbands know the institutional culture won’t tolerate them saying so out loud. And the mushy middle are going with the flow as usual. And that's how you create a welcoming team in a sport rife with homophobia and toxic masculinity.

The group chat gets very active when Troy comes out, and these guys realize they’ve been showering alongside a gay man for months.

The group chat gets even more active when Ilya and Shane get outed.

By the time Shane’s transfer to the Centaurs is announced, most of the homophobes are blowing up the group chat. Talking about requesting transfers to get away from having to shower and pretend to get along with three queer men.

Plus having to pretend to get along with too many straight guys who’ve been brainwashed by DEI into thinking this shit is okay. They just want to be on a normal team where they can say “cocksucker” as an insult and not get shunned by the rest of the locker room.

For multiple years every cup winner captain turns out to be queer. The manosphere would blow up with conspiracy theories about the "woke hockey agenda." Trump would demand an inquiry into it to Make Hockey Great Again.

The Amur Leopard and Clouded Leopard (which recently celebrated its 50th cub born at the zoo!)

The Sumatran Tiger

The Red Ruffed Lemur and Ring-Tailed Lemur

The Cotton-Top Tamarin and White-Cheeked Gibbon

The Colobus Monkey and De Brazza’s Monkey

And the Mexican Spider Monkey!

"Sorry, I don't mean to offend--"

Which of course, I brace for hell, since he is around 60, and i am a gangly cryptid that people usually struggle only to find the right slur to apply to. But i dutifully keep my work voice and go "nah nah, don't worry, what can I do?"

He hits me with "Are you--uh, I've been saying 'thank you ma'am' but are you... okay with that? What should I call you?"

And i live in a small conservative pocket within one of the most liberal states in the US, so my experience in public is varied. People have guessed, they've gone with she, he. they, they've awkwardly avoided it, but no stranger had ever asked me.

So i panicked and chuckled. This felt kind of like walking into a fake tumblr post. I said "Oh, you can call me whatever you want, its fine."

Any cis person would probably sound a little insulted. i knew i was confirming some kind of gender fuckery, but giving him the out that he didn't have to change anything. Fucker kindly smiles though, and like. Pounces. Asks, much more confidently, "But would you prefer sir? What are your pronouns?"

He's on script now, I'm astral projecting to a different plane where i'm a bug on a well lit microscope and my throat's a little tight all the sudden. I say, "Oh. I uh--I use they/them."

I use they or he, but 'they' is the language curveball. I know this, which is why i usually just let people use whatever. He nods, and I choke out (because its been a bad bad day, autoimmune flare pain on top of record high patient numbers) "Thanks. No one... has ever asked me. Have a good day."

He told me the same, I booked it, because the dim room was hiding watery eyes but not for much longer. Got it together in a nearby closet (ha) and moved on.

Came back later on in the evening because I had promised to visit when his wife was there earlier in the day. She's sweet, he's sweet, I do my usual spiel, he avoids any 'ma'am' studiously, but on me going to head out again, hits the dilemma of having no polite substitute for 'ma'am' or 'sir' that isnt gendered in some subtle way, and he's fucking trying, but this is not second nature obviously.

So what comes out is "Have a wonderful night, Them!"

Beaming, proud, right next to his extremely confused wife, who he seems to have not outted me to (nice) who now thinks he's probably having a stroke (funny, but not nice lmao)

(and also the implication that the autistic guy can’t be a member or good leader of his community rubs me the wrong way idk)

like, if the metros were just coworkers to Shane, then yes their reaction to him coming out would still be incredibly painful, but it’s infinitely more impactful if we actually internalise the fact that Shane spent over a decade with these men.

In that time they travelled together, shared bedrooms, trained together, lost together, won together, partied together….

inevitably those are bonding experiences. Spending that much formative time with other young men who share your passion on life? Who share the overwhelming and alienating structure of you life?

of course that’s your fucking family! And Shane is the best of them! While I totally buy the fact that he’s kind of reserved, introverted, intense, odd etc, that’s their fucking captain and living legend!

Shane was the foundation of that team. Maybe not the most noticeable, but always reliable, always uncompromising and always appreciated.

The metros wouldn’t have been able to be goddamn 3x cup winners if they weren’t predominantly a well oiled, supportive and collaborative team.

and it’s THAT that makes their betrayal so fucking heartbreaking. They betrayed thousands of hours of bonding, heartbreaking failures, unimaginable celebration, and a decade of lives lived with Shane as a permanent beloved fixture for their bigotry.

Shane isn’t just mourning his coworkers and the abstract way their hatred bars him from his passion.

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