Sarcastic Piece Of Shit

when you drink all the wine in the house and then you have. :( no wine in the house

me when i excuse myself during a dinner party to sneak outside and milk more cabernet sauvignon from the Creature

had food poisoning when i posted this

Well if you'd pasteurized the Cabernet Sauvignon you milked from the creature maybe you wouldn't have gotten food poisoning from it.

oh suddenly everyone's an expert on the Creature i milk

Why healing wound so itchy if itching wound while healing so bad????????

Microsoft purchased France, and changed its motto to "Liberté, Égalité, Fenêtres."

not enough secret gardens and hidden passageways and bookshelves that open to a mysterious library these days. get working on that girls.

i had a dream that tumblr implemented a new feature where you could put physical items in someone's ask box so you could send handwritten letters and notes and stuff, but in practice you ended up needing to clean out your ask box weekly because people would just fill it with stuff like wet leaves and sand and ketchup

i’d send him ketchup.

*me when my failed clone that came out half the size of me and aged 10x as quickly due to a miscalculation of the biomass needed and numerous genetic errors escapes my basement lab during a romantic dinner and my date sees it and asks what the fuck that thing is* "oh, little old me?"

algebra is honestly funzies when you know what youre doing it’s like a puzzle that you feel smart for solving. however when you don’t know what you’re doing it becomes a challenge called who can turn into a feral dog and bite things fastest and brother i always win

Tumblr has forever affected how I refer to my food. Macking cheese in the michael wave. My dinnar #mydinnar. Grilling absolute cheese. It goes on

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"