self-made slut

spotify wrapped is out and everybody is always posting their top 5 songs….. let’s see some love for number 6 that didn’t make the cut. rb and add your number 6

there is a demon in your house named CARBON MONOXIDE. he enchants your mind with confusion and your body with exhaustion. you need to call a powerful exorcist named HVAC TECHNICIAN

BILL CLINTON = Buddy, I Love Lighting Cannabis Leaves. Immolating Nugs Together, One Nation

sorry i didn’t answer your texts. a dove wept and i had to listen

Now that it’s back it’s hard to remember a time where they sued to get the post taken down

This is the dude that hired the clown

i love that you can just say “this is the the dude that hired the clown” AND EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY KNOWS WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT.

take me down to paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are (remembers im playing at a gay bar on bear night) men

This is the German Expressionist town, there is no anti-homeless architecture here. The park benches are uncomfortably slanted and contorted so as to convey the inherent emotional turmoil that permeates all of reality

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

postal service kinda gay….

all these “packages” that are “in the male” 🤔😳

you know van gogh wasn’t appreciated in his time either