Clash Of Symbols

He tries everything that has worked for him before...conjuring his favorite fantasies, porn, sexting, and--once he's healed and no longer in a cast--hooking up with a stranger (it was disappointing for all parties involved).

He begrudgingly looks for answers online; tries teas and supplements, various toys, more porn, even meditation.

The meditation app does help a bit with his stress levels, but he's still not able to come.

Until he discovers a different type of app, the structure of which is not too different from the meditation app--there are stories and guided recordings--except they're all designed to get the listener off; talk them through it, as it were...

Buck's curious and desperate and lonely. Maybe it will help to have a voice in his ear, somebody he can pretend is there without the added stress and worry of disappointing them.

There are many different ways to filter the recordings; by length, by gender of the artist, by scenario, etc. There's an overwhelming amount of content and Buck doesn't quite no where to start, but there's even a "getting started" audio guide from one of the co-founders of the company, Tommy Kinard, so Buck clicks on that. Something about the Tommy's voice relaxes Buck and makes him want to hear whatever else he might have to say.

He also finds himself getting hard just from Tommy explaining the different features and subscriptions available; thinks, yeah, he could talk somebody through it...

He learns that Tommy isn't just the co-founder, but has his own series of recordings as well and Buck can't resist finding out just how Tommy would get somebody off

He puts in his earbuds and starts a guided recording; Tommy's deep, commanding voice telling him when and where and how to touch himself and Buck flushes with shame and a few other feelings he can't name when he comes before Tommy tells him to. He still finishes the recording, absently stroking his dick, as Tommy's voice settles him into a rich after-glow, feeling like's he floating.

When he finally comes back to his body, Buck clicks play on the next recording. He's too satisfied--euphoric, relieved--to feel embarrassed that by the end of the day, he's made it through a quarter of Tommy's content.

By the time his next shift rolls around, he's made it through the whole thing.

His libido settles back into its baseline after that, and he finally successfully hooks up with a woman he meets at a bar, but the app--especially Tommy's recordings--become a fixture in his sex life.

On the nights Buck has trouble sleeping, he listens to the sleep stories on his meditation app and on the particular lonely nights, just as he's drifting off to sleep--in that liminal space between dreaming and awake--he wishes he had Tommy's voice in his hear--not telling him how he'd get Buck off, but describing how he'd cuddle him, what he'd make him for breakfast in the morning and...it takes Buck maybe longer than he's proud of to make sense of his desire.

He sits with the thoughts and feelings and everything he can't quite name or put a label on.

Buck's standing in line at his favorite coffeeshop, behind a broad, built dude whose ass he can't stop staring at the first time he considers updating his dating app preferences.

And when it's the guy's turn to order, Buck freezes at the sound of his voice; familiar, even if it's pitched a bit higher than Buck's used to. Maybe it's not him, Buck tries to rationalize to himself, to his body--that is working really hard to betray him right now. He tries to concentrate on anything but the sound of that voice, the one he's been getting off to and falling asleep to for months now.

the name the guy gives the barista is Tommy and Buck's heart is officially hammering in his chest.

Tommy walks away, to the end of the counter to wait for his drink and now it's Buck's turn and suddenly he's forgotten everything he's ever ordered, his tongue feels heavy in his mouth as he mumbles, "I'll have what he had" even though he was very much not paying attention to what Tommy ordered.

Buck pays and walks to the end of the counter where Tommy's still waiting for his drink. Tommy turns and yes, it is his Tommy--well, not his--but it's definitely Tommy Kinard, Buck's looked at his picture on the app and website enough to recognize him; to recognize that cleft and jawline.

Tommy's eyes meet his and Buck's working up to a greeting when he gets distracted by the way Tommy's throat bobs as he visibly swallows.

Buck blushes, barely resists the urge to pull at his shirt collar. "H-hi."

Tommy smiles. "Hi."

"I'm a big fan of your app."

Tommy's eyebrows raise. "Oh!"

Buck wishes for a sinkhole to appear and swallow him whole. "I'm so sorry. Was that weird? That was weird--"

Tommy laughs. "I've definitely gotten weirder. I'm glad to know you're a fan."

Buck is saved momentarily from further embarrassment by the barista setting down his and Tommy's drinks.

"So,"--Tommy glances at the to-go cup--"Buck, if you don't have anywhere to be right now, would you like to share a table with me?"

Buck grins. "I'd love that. On one condition--"

Tommy shrugs one shoulder. "Name it."

"Call me Evan."

Tommy offers the hand not holding his cup. "It's nice to meet you, Evan."

Tommy - who got into this work in the first place in part as a way to cope with his own sexual dysfunction - being both very flattered and horny and maybe a little freaked out when he finds out that Evan mostly only listens to HIS stories. They talk all the way through a second coffee because not only is Evan so very much his type, Evan has so many interesting questions that aren't just weird horny line-crossing shit (even though it's definitely a little flirty on both sides). Unfortunately eventually Tommy has somewhere to be and well, they just met and it's a little weird anyway (for both of them) so Tommy goes, "Sorry I've got to run but drop me a line on one of my public socials sometime, I'd love to hear what you think about our new series."

And Buck is like, a little torn between thinking maybe that was just a nice brush-off or was really sincere, but he absolutely listens to the new module (they're trying a new duo of actors doing a bisexuality-focused storyline) and has soooo many thoughts he can't resist sending the message to Tommy in the end.

Tommy replies that he's really grateful for the feedback, and they keep chatting about Evan's feedback, but also carefully delving into more personal topics more and more. Buck starts telling Tommy whenever he's used the app and giving feedback on everything he listens to. Tommy gets brave and records some new content very obviously based on the inspiration of having met Evan and a fantasy about what it might have been (if he was the sort of guy who could just hook up with a stranger, which he isn't really because if he really likes someone his nerves get in the way of his dick). The whole thing is also leaning into some key points Evan had told him he liked.

Buck absolutely clocks the premise of the story. Sends a bunch of messages telling Tommy how much he liked it and how much he liked meeting him and asking more questions asking where he gets his inspiration - asking if they could talk again sometime. Basically just desperate to try and find out without directly asking (and risking making it weird) - was it real? Was that how you felt about meeting me? Or was it just borrowed for inspiration? Is there a chance for us here?

Tommy gives him his number this time instead of answering all his questions over text. They have a call and Buck's asking all about his process, and that segues not-so-subtly into about his dating life asking whether the things he talks about reflect his own desires or are a separate sort of primarily creative writing. Tommy tells him that while he takes inspiration from a lot of places, a lot of it is himself being put into the stories. He gets a little bold and tells him about how when he gets writer's block he sometimes goes and picks up guys for one-offs to ground himself in a real experience again.

Buck is flirting hard as he can without making it too weird and hoping desperately that Tommy will choose him for some inspiration - he finally just says, "If you ever need some more inspiration, I'm uh - I'd be happy to help with that." and Tommy says, "Trust me, you already do." And Buck is like - about to combust over the phone and is like, "I can do more."

And like they so obviously both want each other, but Tommy is more than a little nervous about the idea of having physical sex with Buck because he's scared he won't live up to the fantasy. When he picks up guys it's usually a stranger that he doesn't have to worry about disappointing with his usual struggles with sexual dysfunction - it's easier to get hard when he doesn't care so much, and even if it doesn't happen he can just get them off some other way and never see them again.

Tommy doesn't want to admit all of that, so he ends up telling Buck he doesn't want to just hook up with him - tells him he likes him and especially given the way they met and how Buck already has this sexual relationship with his voice, he wants to take things slow physically while they get to know each other without the sex part overwhelming things… if he's interested.

Buck is so interested - honestly he's a little nervous about being with a guy for the first time and fucking it up too anyway, and besides, his leg is still healing up and this way he won't be tempted to overexert himself. While they're flirting and talking about it, Buck sort of suggests what if he narrated his own stories for Tommy - maybe there's a little miscommunication where Buck meant it as a personal thing to try and level the playing field in terms of sexual intimacy they've shared via the audio format. Tommy misunderstands a little and thinks he wanted to do it for the app or something to try it out because he's had so many questions and been so interested in it anyway - or maybe not that but he liked the idea a ton and just meant to offer to let Buck use the high quality audio equipment so it would be the best possible, and Buck got confused and thought he meant do it for his app. Maybe both or whatever lmao Buck would be excited either way and so would Tommy.

So Buck goes over to Tommy's place to record using his equipment. Tommy puts him in his little recording booth and tells him he's just going to let it record and he won't even listen until later if that makes it easier - which it does for this first pass. Buck takes to it immediately though, because he's always been good at talking during sex anyway, and because he's basically telling Tommy what he'd like to do with him but with a shred of plausible deniability that lets him feel free to do it when he's sitting in the next room over. He just looks at him through the tiny window in the soundproof booth, tells him all about how he imagines it might be and all the things he's curious about and wants to try with him - whenever Tommy's ready. He'll wait.

Tommy doesn't listen to it until later. They just go to dinner and have a really nice date and then don't kiss each other at all even though they say goodnight from spare inches apart kind of drowning in sexual tension, and it feels incredible. Buck is riding that same kind of high he got the first time he learned how to wait for someone all over again.

Tommy chickens out of listening to it and sends it to his editor to just be like - hey I need an unbiased opinion is this any good? The editor is like. Uh. Yeah buddy. It's fuckin' good. In fact I only have to edit out a couple of uses of your name and description of your features and a tiny bit of intro nerves. It'll fit in great with some of our short-form fantasy stuff. So they produce it, and it's a big hit with the users of the app - very much including Tommy who has an incredibly satisfying orgasm listening to it - so on every level Tommy is motivated to ask him to continue doing it.

Buck loved doing it, it turns out, so he gladly says yes - especially when Tommy admits that he really enjoyed it, personally. So Buck keeps coming over before their dates to do recordings while eyefucking Tommy who can't hear him through the soundproof booth. Tommy records his versions after they separate for the night at the end of the dates and he talks about what he would have wanted to do if they hadn't said goodnight at the door. They keep dating and not having sex in person, even though they're both definitely getting off to each other's voices in the app.

It also really helps Buck to have this new project and relationship to focus on while he's healing his leg and so he's less crazy about getting back to work at an impossible timeline and ends up healing up much better just more slowly and there's no clots and no lawsuit and whatever. He just gets back to healthy and gets back to work - and now he's got all these nights in the bunk room daydreaming up new fantasies to tell Tommy.

Tommy is pretty much dying listening to them all because he's getting even more stressed realizing Buck's never been with a guy - because it turns him on like crazy, knowing that he could be his first, but that just makes it more and more intimidating at the same time. He desperately needs to not fuck it up for Evan because he likes him SO much the more they keep dating and he's SO sure his stress would mean he would absolutely fail to get or stay hard and would ruin everything.

So Tommy keeps putting the brakes on for anything physical, freaked out entirely that he's going to ruin his relationship either way because eventually Evan is going to get tired of waiting, isn't he? And maybe Tommy doesn't even really realize that Buck already kind of knows why Tommy's holding back - maybe Tommy basically forgot he did a series partly about sexual dysfunction back in the early days of the app, talking through getting pleasure without getting hard or getting off with some big orgasm. That series was so crazy helpful to Buck in the beginning because in it Tommy kind of talks about how it's something he deals with a lot and the ways he's learned to work with his body instead of against it, and it all made Buck feel so much less alone back when he was really struggling. So he already has a pretty good idea that maybe that's part of it.

So they're just recording things back and forth at each other, getting more and more intense and intimate with their fantasies while going on dates and not having any physical sex together at all, which only fuels their inspiration with wild sublimation. They make it a series, trading between them - 80% of the users are obsessed with it (and 20% are complaining they feel left out, but eh, there's plenty of other content for them).

At some point Buck and Tommy go to some 118 barbecue or party or something and Buck is so happy and proud of his boyfriend and not at all shy to talk about what Tommy's company does, even though this is basically him coming out to them all too because he worked out his sexuality while he was stuck at home alone being kind of left out of the firefam and he just kind of never mentioned to anyone else that he's bi because he had already moved on by miles in his head when he was finally back at work. Since everything was so good with Tommy he wasn't asking for relationship advice, and when Tommy came up it was in the context of normal work-appropriate stories about activities they'd done so with everyone assuming he's straight it just sounded like he'd made a new good friend while injured.

So people are more than a little confused the way he's making moon eyes at the guy he introduces as his boyfriend and probably prying a little more than they should, and somehow it comes up that Tommy's never actually seen Buck's place - neither of them have actually seen each other's bedrooms - and someone goes, "Wait, hold the phone. You've been together for like six months and you haven't even had sex?"

And Tommy's a little mortified and is about to say something to the affirmative even though he sees the judgy confusion from Chim and Eddie and the speaking looks Karen and Hen exchange, when Buck laughs and says, "No, we have tons of sex, actually!"

Tommy's kind of stunned, thinking Evan's maybe covering it up for them to seem normal but Buck keeps talking saying, "We just do it indirectly, over audio and stuff. Sure, our sex life is kind of unconventional, but it really works for us. Honestly I think more people should be deliberate and thoughtful and creative about how they engage in sex instead of just going with the same old whatever they consider normal. The way we do it is incredibly intimate and satisfying," and he's smiling at Tommy so happily and squeezing his hand and perfectly contented.

Bobby probably senses Tommy's as uncomfortable as he is and nudges things in a new direction and dinner resumes as usual, though Tommy isn't really listening to anything much after that. In fact he's feeling a little insane about it because - Evan's right. It works for them. They've gotten this far and it hasn't imploded at all, they're happy. Which means it'll probably also work if they have sex in person and he can't get it up. Which means he might be able to get it up anyway sometimes if he stops being freaked out about getting it up. And either way it doesn't matter because they can have the sex they're already having, but they can make out now too and maybe have sleep-overs and -

When he's walking Evan to his door that night, he backs Evan up against his closed door and kisses him goodnight and it's just this utterly filthy, intimate, passionate thing that absolutely leaves in the dust any of the soft little goodbye kisses they've exchanged so far, and Buck is like, melted against his door and breathless and staring at him with this mix of lust and hope and confusion and concern.

"I like the sex we have too," Tommy says, his heart pounding as he presses intimate, exciting little kisses into the line of Evan's jaw, and up into his ear and his throat in ways that he's never dared to risk treading before lest he start something he can't finish. "But I think I'm almost ready for some other kinds of sex now too, if you're still interested?"

And Evan swallows hard and nods very hard and says a breathless, "Any kinds - whatever you like."

"I might not be able to do everything you've imagined… maybe not even a lot of it. I have trouble sometimes in person," Tommy finally admits, and the thing is Evan doesn't look surprised or concerned or confused or any of it.

He just nods and says, "I know. I don't expect - we'll just do whatever feels good, right? That's all I care about, making you feel good."

"Yeah? Me too," Tommy says, and kisses him again, and Evan clings to him a little bit, groping him back to the same degree Tommy gropes him - and Evan's so obviously hard in his pants - but he doesn't fight when Tommy finally pulls away and says, "Not tonight."

He just says a breathless, "Okay."

"Tonight I'm going to go home and record everything I'm thinking about doing to you right now," he tells him, meaning it more honestly now than he ever has because he explains, "I'm going to tell you about what I think might actually happen, not what I wish would happen. And if it all sounds okay with you after you listen to it-"

Evan nods sharply and says, "It will, Tommy, it will."

Tommy is terrified to hope but he can't help but believe him, he sounds so sure. So he says, "Then maybe next time we can try it."

And then he leaves him there standing against his closed door, hard and yearning and goes home and does exactly as he promised. He hits a lot of the highlights of things he often talks about, but this time he talks about how he probably won't get all the way hard no matter how much he wants him - because he wants him too much, because he's going to be nervous about screwing up. Talks about how he wants to feel Evan's mouth on him anyway, even if he can't cum. How he can't wait to taste him, to use his hands and his fingers on him.

It's hard to get it all out, to admit to some of the things he's afraid of, but in the end it's cathartic, and the thing that really amazes him is he's not actually nervous when he sends it off. Seeing the way Evan had so honestly and openly championed what they have to his loved-ones unlocked something in him. He's feeling secure enough in their relationship now, where they are with things, that he believes it's actually going to work.

And he's right.

They have sex and it's - by almost any standards - terrible. They're both so nervous to start with it's a total shitshow, and for one moment Tommy thinks it's all going to turn sour, but they start laughing, just laughing together - and after that they're just having fun. They try and bail on several things, and eventually they stop trying to have sex and focus on making out - which is amazing actually. They go to sleep together without either of them getting off, and in the morning Evan is looking at him so soft and so happy and -

Yeah, it's perfect.

After that they do get better at having sex together. Tommy doesn't get off a lot of the time, but he loves getting Evan off, loves the way Evan touches him so well even when he doesn't make it to the finish line. They find all sorts of ways to share pleasure, just by learning each other's bodies and getting comfortable but also with toys and other supports.

They still record fantasies for each other, though maybe a little less frequently than they used to, but they're also a little more honest and less idealized, which a segment of the userbase really responds well to. Buck does a special series specifically for listeners dealing with sexual dysfunction where he plays the role of a supportive partner who doesn't expect something they can't give in a way he wishes Tommy'd had from him earlier in their relationship.

The fans of their little seduction series really lose their minds though when they start recording a joint series with both of them in the booth talking through mutual fantasies and quite possibly fucking on mic. It evolves into a regular thing they do that actively puts the listener in the position of playing voyeur or cuck or third in a threesome fantasy, and remains an incredibly popular part of their brand.