What's Screaming From My Soul That No One Will See.

I can't stop thinking about that night. The scenes that took place in the common hours of sin turned out to be hours shared of confession. The longing for something in which we cannot obtain. But babe the way my lips felt as their faint kisses stamped your muscles while you spoke ever so softly to me makes me feel otherwise. These feelings you confess seem as though they occur more frequently than your heartbeat, and I can’t help but lose focus on breathing in these moments because I’m worried you’ll begin to overflow before everything makes it’s way out to me. Lacing my fingers with another after forever shot chills up my spine. Hitting each and every vertebra directly, like a skidding pebble does in the pond during summer. Everything felt so… deep, absorbed, and painful. But that wasn’t just because my center console was stabbing my side while I tried getting closer to you. There’s always something that stands in our way, huh? However, our connections are strong. I could physically feel every word that crept out from your mouth, and every where your hands would slowly caress along my body. I did everything I could to fight back the waterworks each time your lips pulled off from mine because I just want to be strong for you. You’re what I crave; you take all the pain away. I guess I just don’t get it. You're always pushing through lines and obstacles in the way to try new drugs... what's so wrong with taking a dose of me? T. -You tell me you love me, but even if I admit that I love you back you won't let me be yours.

How long can one stick around when the other refuses to pursue their soul’s deepest and purest sense of love? When everything that could be said has been spoken, will you decide to listen? When the interior of my heart cannot continue to rot further, will you come to terms with what you’ve done? If I found another way to express how suffocating your words are to me, would you rip the plastic bag off from my face? If I became absorbed by the monstrosity of anger you’ve formed within me, would you find forgiveness? If I shred myself into literal pieces, would you see my heart spilling for you? If my hips matched my heart, would you finally get it? If I overstepped, would you push me back into place? Or, would you take this chance to save me, and hold me in your arms? If I told a dirty secret, would you realize I’m not here to mess around? If I invited you into my bedroom, would you be able to sleep beside a fragile mind that unconsciously sees you too? If I ever confessed my love to you, would you still want to hold off for the possibility of finding someone new? If darkness suffocates the light, will our love die too? T. -I've fallen madly in love with someone I can't have.

One minute I’m watching Law and Order reruns, and the next I’m using all of my might to hang onto the ledge of the building I happen to be suspended from. I can’t breathe. If I do, ill loosen my grip and fall. Where am I falling to? I guess there’s not really a point in looking down when I have no luck in pulling myself back onto the roof. I mean really, the last time I did four pull ups was during the ninth grade. I’m fucked. Finger by finger, my hands are unravelling like a loose thread on a tee shirt. I’m free falling and I forgot what it’s like to breathe. I grasp my chest as if I can beg it to breathe at this point, and try to open my eyes to see where I can land, but it feels like my eyes have been glued shut by the intensity my body has cast upon it during this twenty story fall. I’m screaming on the top of my lungs. Or maybe my my mouth is just opened wide? Everything feels fake, but everything returns to reality when I slam onto the pavement. Who knew a Tempurpedic could be as comforting as the city streets? Oh right, me. I often wake up feeling as if every bone in my body has broken, but continue to launch off my bed onto my ass after my alarm once again attempts to deafen me. I then stand up with my two non broken legs, and wipe the tears from my eyes to read what time it is. “Nine Thirty! Are you fucking kidding me?!” I actually scream this time. I am never on time to things, and I told myself I would be able to do 9 am lectures. Trying to put on a pair of raggedy jeans and brush my teeth, I manage to get a glob of it on my shirt. I let out a loud grunt and drag myself to the dresser to pick out another typical worn out band tee. Ramones Rocket to Russia. One of the best albums to be made in Punk Rock history. I throw on a leather jacket, my black messenger bag, and slip on my beat up black converse. Followed by rushing out the door of my 13th floor city apartment. After a little under arm sweat and possibilities of getting hit by stupid New York City cab drivers, I finally approach the doors of the English building. I prepare myself to sneak into the back of the classroom. I reach for the large glass doors that lead into the room, but I hear noise. The type of noise that our professor would never allow… talking. I cautiously enter, and see that everyone is out of their seats, and completely careless about their missing professor. I’m not one to engage in random conversations, so I find my seat and pull out my laptop to work on my columns I have barely started. “Hey punk princess, you wanna check out my set of drums?” Said the boy who refuses to tell me his name, but continues to sit behind me every Tuesday morning. -An excpert of a book I would dream of completing, but my soul is currently preoccupied with nothing or no one able to help me feel whole again. I’m patiently, impatiently waiting.

The palest tint of red that layered over your room always made me feel nervous. I never knew why. Surprises always made me scared, and I truly, never knew why. Love became my safe haven, but surely it grew to make me rot. Hours, months, and years passed by and I still couldn't understand these habitual thoughts. Anything can happen due to time. Whether it's within fifteen minutes, or seventy two hours. People discover, act, and react to their surroundings when they're of the short, but endless restraints. Suddenly I learned why all of these undeclared feelings were stuck at the back of my throat. And I realized that it was time for me to walk away from love until I was able to find forgiveness. To find security. To discover love within vast amounts of pale skies and unlocked windows this time. -Five months have passed by and still at times i'll feel stuck on page one.

Although circumstances in life aren't always ideal, I now understand that roses can't always survive in the poorest of weather forever. Scars are made, and the power of kisses fade. Forgiveness must take place, and so it did. Forgetting the components that make me who I am is idiotic, so I will not. I will cherish and reminisce and appreciate everything that has flowed through my ocean. Intruding rubbish is inevitable. Being protective and respectful to my body means that I will let the trash take it's toll across my waves, and down under the lowest of reefs until it's their time to reach shore.

I didn't text him this year. The first time in maybe 3 or 4. I've never been more proud of myself when it comes to him. I wonder if he thought I forgot it... Well I didn't, I just chose not to interfere with your happiness with your new world. -I'm happy that you're happy again; you deserve it.

Every once in awhile I'll wonder if you wonder. Everything relating to our past is very blurry and painful to remember. Although, whenever you may come up in conversation I feel reminiscent on an old me and how absolutely in love I was. I try not to dwell on the rough patches, even though I shouldn't always look past the bad in situations. I still put everyone above myself, but I'm working on loving me and valuing what I want to achieve within my life; short term as well as long term. On the bright side...ish, I don't see you standing over me as I wake up so often. I'm not scared to be who I am, or explore the world within my comfort. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable in your own skin darling, I truly didn't mean to. I loved you. More than a million chicken nuggets and endless amounts of instant rice. But never would I have thought you'd take your insecurities and insert them into my soul's deepest aversion. All in hopes to make yourself feel better. I'm sorry you felt the need to reach such extents so that you could feel comfortable in your own skin. Or should I say, comfortable within mine?