#fwb problems

Somewhere, someone said that we must accept that love does not always stay and to open the door when it leaves, thanking it for even stopping by.

You deserve no such thanks.

I fell into your life, a mess. You saw my worst and didn’t shy away from it. Instead you were gentle, so gentle with me. I did not sleep much then and you used to stay up with me, lull me to sleep, and then let me rest despite my protests that I didn’t need to, that I was “fine”.

Somewhere in your accidental saving me - from myself, from a heartbreak so severe I did not think I would or could ever recover from - a deep friendship took root. In those first few days, when my heart was a barren field frosted over, you were so gentle, so patient. You checked on me, saw right through my sunny demeanor, could feel my rain clouds and you never shied away.

As days turned to weeks and the frosty field that was my heart began to thaw, you weeded my fields, sowed seeds in what was once rocky terrain. You turned over rocks, each one giving you a little piece of me; with each rock overturned, picked up, given a place, you picked upon my references, bantered back with your own. It did not take long before we developed a language that was uniquely ours, and with it, our friendship sprouted.

Along the way, you surprised me; I did not think that I could ever laugh and mean it again. On too many a quiet night, you proved me wrong; my joyous laughter echoed through the too-quiet house, leaving me breathless, my sides in stitches, and threatening to wake the house up. You always struck strategically: when my laughs subsided to carefully contained giggles, you would crack a well-timed quip that would send me back to breathlessness, as though you were with me, tickling me.

In record time, our friendship blossomed and you became one of my favorite people. Even so, I was not without my defenses. While I worked to mend my patchwork heart, you found holes in my walls, leapt over the rubble and snatched up my bricks and mortar. When I wasn’t looking, you hid them, gave yourself a back door to my heart, and got closer to me than I wanted anyone to be, even you.

You rekindled a fire in my heart’s hearth, settled in, cozied up to me…because I let you. I didn’t have to show you how broken I am, but I did and I believed you accepted me for it. Weeks turned to months, and our friendship blossomed, changed. We slid from just friends, sowing seeds for something that could be more beautiful if we let it. Little did we realize, while we nurtured this new beautiful thing, our friendship began to go awry. Looking back, I cannot pinpoint when our friendship began to wilt, but I know that it wasn’t instantaneous. It was a slow death, drawn out over one thousand well-intended cuts. You wield the scythe, look at me guiltily, but continue to hack and slash like this is the only way. How dare you?

Your betrayal has been two-fold. When I thought you accepted me, you were disarming me of my bricks and mortar, stealing them to fortify your own castle. According to you, nobody can get close to you, know you. You believe yourself a monster, incapable of being loved, undeserving of beautiful things. I like to believe in the twilight hours, under blankets of stars we told secrets to, you let me see who you really are. You aren’t a monster, this I am sure of. I have tried to cure you of your disillusions - a pithy, handwritten note tucked into a carefully chosen book, shared experiences that make me think of you, trinkets from my adventures. You feel undeserving of each, try to convince me so.

I know you aren’t the monster you see yourself as. I want to grab the mirror you’ve held up, forced me to look at and show you the truth, make you see you like I see you. I hate what you’ve done to me, turned me into. I hate that you’ve left me exposed, robbed my castle of its walls while you’ve fortified yours, sequestered yourself away. I hate that every love song reminds me of you, but you act like it’s unrequited. Under the blanket of stars we’ve murmured secrets to, you’ve shown me it’s not. I’ve been Atlas, shouldering this friendship, bleeding out from its innumerable cuts for too long while you shove me away. It is irony that I suffer the same fate I once warned you of, lest you got too close to me. When I warned you, you were thoughtful, said you’d understand; You weren’t supposed to steal my defenses, turn them on me but you did.

I told you what hurt me most and over the last few months, I’ve watched you become each of these things. What started as texts throughout the day and laughter that made my cheeks sting, has ended as one word quips, frustrated sighs, and asking myself if it was worth it. In the moment I believed it was, but hindsight being truesight, you have proved again, and again, and again, that I have been doing all the heavy lifting.

Back Again

Three months had gone by and school was starting up again. Keita was a trainee, he didn't make it through YG treasure box. He took it surprisingly well. He's still chasing his dream. Ricky went back to China right after graduation. Jiwoo became and idol, debuting in a group called Nmixx. Yunjin also debuted in a popular girl group known as Le sserafim. 

Ever since Keita and Jiwoo left, my life is been pretty boring. Yunjin is barely ever here because of her group schedule. The youngest member of her group, Eunchae, also recently started attending SOPA. She's really funny, and we're the same age, so that's cool. My days kind of go by in a blur. It's not that they're super busy, just that there is nothing to fill them. I no longer have my best friend by my side, I really only have Yunjin as my best friend these days. Its pretty lonely and quiet in the dorm because Yunjin moved out. Wow... how did I just now realize that I literally have the whole dorm to myself... jeez, I need something to get me living again.

"DUDE?!? Hana, are you here?" The door slammed and Yunjin yelled at me loudly.

"Yeah I'm here, what's up?"

"It's time for class."

"You came all the way to the dorm just to tell me that?"

"Yeah, I wanna walk with you. It's our last first day of school. WE'RE SENIORS, we gotta make it special."

"Ok, ok, fine." 

I finished my breakfast, grabbing my phone and backpack, heading out the door behind Yunjin. We silently walked to our next class. Everyone was rowdy because it was the first day of school, especially the senior. Eric, Seungho, and Aaron came to meet us. We were the only seniors left in the 'it' group. Eunchae was also welcomed into the 'it' group, after all she was a debuted artist. 

We all walked into our advanced dance class, which was first period. Standing there was one of the last people I ever expected to see in this school again. Next to our dance teacher was... Keita?

"Hello class! Today you have a special assignment. You will be pairing up with each other to make a dance for a grade and the K-pop music festival. Since the top dancer of the summer has yet to be revealed, we will do so now. The top dancer will be pairing with Keita for the festival, and will be graded on your performance and choreography. Each group will get a theme from this bowl."

Everyone murmurs, already thinking about their partners. We were all excited for special assignments, especially getting to perform at the K-pop music festival. Some of the biggest names will be there. 

"Alright, our top dancer is.... Akahana Adams." I wasn't really surprised to hear my name, I had been top dancer since I started coming here. Now I just had to think about dancing with Keita. 

"Come get your theme." My teacher directed. I walked up to the front, digging my hand in the bowl for a slip of paper.

"S-sexy?"

My teacher laughed at the look on my face. Keita also did. It was kind of weird because we haven't seen each other since right before he went on ygtb a few months ago. I had watched it live as soon as it came out, but we had yet to talk. We communicated threw very few texts. 

"You two get practice room one, go have fun!" My teacher instructed us.

We silently walked to the first practice room. I didn't know what to say to him, and I assume it was the same for him. When we got to the practice room, I still didn't speak. I only stretched silently. 

"You're not going to talk to me?" Keita asked, moving my hand to his shoulder for stability as I stretched my quad muscle.

"I-... no. I just don't know what to say to you."

"Oh come on Hana, we're best friend! You always know what to say to me."

"Yeah well, we also haven't really talked all that much, let alone seen each other in a few months."

"Exactly, you should've jumped into my arms the moment you saw me, or at least have done it by now."

I rolled my eyes at Keita playfully. I knew he was half expecting me to, so I jumped into his arms, hugging him tightly.

"I missed you baby." He spoke softly into my shoulder. I let my legs slide down from around his waist, laying my head against his shoulder when my feet were safely on the ground.

"I missed you too Kei." 

We stood there hugging for a few minutes. The warmth radiating off of him was something I hadn't felt in so long. I remember being addicted to his hugs when we were younger, I would use any excuse I had to cuddle close to him, or wrap my arms around his neck so he'd wrap his around my waist.

"Kei... I think I'm gonna go home when I graduate."

"WHAT?! But Hana, why would you leave? Isn't it your dream to be a dancer in Korea?"

"Well yeah, but nothing's happening for me Keita. I don't have friends anymore, I live alone in my dorm. I haven't seen my mom and dad in 3 years. My days blur by because they're empty. I'm just... I'm lost Keita. I'm losing myself. I got caught up in this dream that I thought I could achieve, but it's taking me nowhere and... I-... I'm lost."

"Well... write songs with those lyrics... damn. And wait... you live alone in the dorm?"

"Yeah Hayoon and Jiwoo graduated remember?"

"Yeah but what about Yunjin?"

"She debuted Keita. She's in Le sserafim. She moved out."

"Damn... she's at BigHit?"

"Yeah."

"You're actually alone in that huge ass dorm?"

"Yes Keita... I don't even really have friends anymore. There are 4 seniors left in the 'it' group. Yunjin is never here because of schedule and that leaves Eric, Seungho, and Aaron. I'm friends with Eunchae, the macknae of Yunjin's group, but like Yunjin, she's barely here. I kinda fell apart after you left."

"I'm so sorry Hana. I promise I'll talk to you every day from now on. And please don't go home... then I'll get to see you less."

"I'm sorry if these let's you down Keita... but I don't know if I can stay. Nothings going right for me right now and I just-... I don't wanna cry anymore Keita."

"No babe, I get it, but look at me. I kinda hate to use myself as an example but... I wasn't even really all that close to debuting with Treasure. I'm young and inexperienced compared to the others... so I didn't make it. But the point it, I'm not giving up. I'm a trainee at a different agency now, and I'm gonna keep going until I make my debut. Your slaying at this school. Your top of your class at academics, and top of your ADVANCED dance class... AT A FREAKING FINE ARTS SCHOOL. You're not always gonna be the most experienced, you're not always gonna be the best, so if you cant handle it while you are the best... then you gotta toughen up Hana."

"I-... okay. What if nothing happens for me though? What if I stay stuck?"

"You're literally a dancing prodigy. Something will happen for you. How about we just focus on the dance for now, kay?"

"Okay." I agreed.

We began the long process of choreographing a dance... hopefully we'll do good.

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