Take risks, They make adventures.

Life

I find life to be valuable, yet common. Fleeting and out of reach, yet solid and sturdy. Almost like the mountains. You know it’s there. It will always be there.  

I think that it’s almost impossible to determine what happens after death. Scientifically and medically speaking we know. But if religion isn’t an aspect: what happens to a soul once death has overcome the embodiment of a person?

The breath fades. The heart slows. and eventually the brain turns off. After years of functioning it has finally finished it’s last biological compute. 

yet the soul. does it linger awhile longer? does it watch in distress as loved ones mourn? is it distant or close? Does the soul long to be held and to hold onto their one true love? 

I do not know. 

For awhile I have been considering and weighing in the purpose and meaning of life. The trials, the competitions, the risks all while being graced and blessed with the success, the triumphs, and satisfaction. 

What does it mean to be successful? Is it money. or family. or fun. and happiness. 

maybe it’s all of it. 

or maybe it’s none. 

I wonder at times if the life we lead is truly our destiny. Am I meant for something greater than being who I am. Or I am to find true purpose in carving a historical memory the people who will come after me wonder why I thought and worked and sacrificed so much for a moment of glory. 

in the end. 

is it worth it?

is it worth the heartache. worth the pain? Is our destiny suppose to make us feel fulfilled. or merely a shadow becoming substance through the actions and the words we speak. 

Sometimes when I catch myself before I close my eyes and let the sleep invade my senses I wonder what it would be like to know that I am more than who I think I am. 

I would like to see myself as others view me. Am I the same person. Or completely unrecognizable.  

My deepest fear is to not feel the flutter of a heartbeat in my womb. 

My greatest desire is to be mom. not a super cool mom. or a hey i am in bed today mom. but the mom who makes her mom proud. A mom that makes the father of her children beam with light as he knows that in this crazy world we did something right. I want to be the mom where I kiss the wounds, and put fear into their hearts when they disobey. I want to hold them close and whisper melodies into their ears as they drift across the passing of a peaceful sleep. 

I do not know whether my ideal desire is simply one of fantasy. 

I think I miscarried. or had a chemical pregnancy. it was early, but the pain felt like I was dying. 

I wasn’t. but a part of me was. 

maybe. 

I find myself wondering if i bury myself in work because it is the only escape I have. 

to know that if I do an excellent job and do what I need to, everything will be okay. 

and then I come home and deal with things that I’ve been putting off. 

like packing. or washing clothes. 

or taking my vitamins. 

I am concerned my hair is falling out. 

or that I gained too much weight. 

Should I pay the bills? or spend it on something that will make me temporary happy. not happy at all. I don’t want to be like this. 

I struggle to see what means to live a life that is not muted in gray undertones. metaphorically speaking. 

Depression. If i am, then I need help. Help to deal with the struggles I face. If I am not. then I must find a way. A way to climb out of this deep cavern I’ve engulfed myself in. the cavern of self pity. 

I did not mean to fail. 

I did not mean to . 

I did not mean

I did not

I did. 

I. 

I love it when you hold my hand. and kiss my forehead and my the tip of my nose. I love it when you smell my hair and hold me close to your heart. I love it when you poke and tease me. and call me silly names. 

I love you. 

I love you so much, that sometimes I long to be more to you than where we are at. Maybe you are waiting. abiding your time for the perfect moment. the moment where we declare that our lives together are so much better when we are close than a part.

I want you to call me your fiance. your wife. I am your girl. but I want more. what more love, and compassion does one offer before we meet that stage of our relationship. at what point do we plunge in feet first in the waters of life. 

 I know you love me when you look at me with soft blue eyes. or when you ask me if the pills I swallow are good for me. When you tell me to drive safe. or remind me of my daily goals. you support me physically, emotionally, certainly, financially. 

I am forever in your debt. 

I will never be able to repay you for everything you have done for me. 

and for that.