Jerry Wu

*Alfred bringing tea and a plate of biscuits down to the cave during a monthly mandatory strategy meeting, with Bruce stood at the head of a table all the kids are seated around*

Duke: i shouldn't even have to be here, i'm the only one on dayshift.

Jason: uh- i reject that; i'm doin' shit during the day too, y'know.

Duke, without missing a beat: that's because you're unemployed and have no civilian friends, there's a fucking difference Jason.

Dick: *covers his mouth, snickering*

Bruce: now, boys-

Jason: i will jump over this table, brightshit. try me.

Duke: *flips Jason off*

Jason, starting to get up: oh you want it-?

Alfred, pointedly putting the tray of snacks down in between them, giving them both warning glares: i trust that the meeting is going well?

*a beat*

Jason, sitting back down: dammit,

Bruce: *sigh* thank you, Alfred. now if we could just get back to-

Duke: i still don't want to be here.

Bruce: oh for- we've been over this, Duke. everybody has to attend these meetings.

Damian: just because you say something is mandatory doesn't mean it's actually necessary. it's subjective.

Bruce: it's not subjective, it's fact. if we don't take time to co-ordinate ourselves then we're more liable to miscommunicate and get ourselves, or others, hurt. it's important that we take this time to go over protocols and codes, as well as alert everybody of upcoming missions. it's not like you have anything better to do tonight, Damian.

Damian: what the hell,

Dick: oooh~

Damian: how dare you; i have plenty of ways to spend my evening, thank you very much-

Bruce, pinching the bridge of his nose: i didn't mean it that way, chum, can we just-

Damian: for starters, Drake and I have a new Lego set to construct, which you are selfishly taking time away from!

Steph, squinting across at Tim: sorry, you two build Lego sets together?

Tim: *defensive* what, mad that he doesn't play with you?

Steph, turning to Damian incredulously: well fucking yes?? dude- i ask you to hang out all the time. how come you'll play with Tim but not me!?

Damian, easily: because your version of hanging out is just dragging me all over Gotham while we stalk your English professor. i don't give a fuck which of the PA's he's hooking up with, Brown. i just want to build Lego.

Alfred: *watches with narrowed eyes as Cass slowly leans forward and drags the entire plate of biscuits towards herself*

Bruce: Damian, language.

Damian: me?!

Dick: fuck yeah, bring down the hammer, B.

Bruce, exhausted: can we all just-

Damian, planting his hands on the table: NO, WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING MAD WHEN THEY SWEAR?

Bruce: Damian- sit back down,

Jason, casually putting his feet on the table: it's 'cause you do it wrong, Dames. the curse word has to fall off the tongue comfortably, so that nobody even realises it shouldn't be in the sentence. *tipping his head up to show his mouth* you gotta- like this, roll your tongue slightly, just let it fall off, see: cunt.

Damian, copying: cunt.

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt.

Bruce, staring between the two in defeat: *makes eye contact with Alfred pleadingly*

Alfred: *shrugs*

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt, like that?

Jason: yeah, but in a sentence.

Damian: Dick Grayson is a cunt. like that?

Jason: yeah you got it.

Dick: WOAH WOAH- why am i catching strays? the fuck did i do?

Tim, flatly: if you hadn't fucked up the protocol code names three months ago, we wouldn't have to do these meetings.

Duke, pointing at Tim in agreement: that's true.

Dick: I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE, JACKASSES, STEPH DID IT TOO!

Steph: at least i was concussed. you're just an idiot.

Dick: *visibly offended* i'll have you know-

Bruce, snapping: ok that is IT. all of you sit back down, we are going over the current standing protocols and that is FINAL. none of you are leaving until i dismiss you, and if you don't comply then you will be benched for the foreseeable future, understood?

*silence*

*the kids awkwardly exchanging glances as they settle back down into their chairs*

Bruce, sighing in relief: finally. now, can we all-

Jason: *sticks his hand up in the air*

Bruce:

Bruce: *wary* what is it about, Jason?

Jason, innocently: i have a question about the protocols.

Bruce: ...go on then.

Jason: what's the protocol for when you let a call from your overbearing father go to voicemail because you're busy getting it on with Roy Harper mid-patrol, and then said overbearing father just hacks into your private com line mid-fuck anyway, completely ignoring your boundaries and throwing off the mood, all because he wanted to ask whether or not you'd prefer fish or chicken for the family barbeque that weekend?

*complete and utter silence*

Alfred: *stares in disappointment at a rapidly reddening Bruce*

Duke, grinning wildly as he looks between Bruce and Jason: has that ever happened?

Jason, flatly: three times.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Cass: *loudly crunches on biscuits*

Bruce: ok Jason you can go,

Jason, already leaping out his chair: SEE YOU SUCKERS-

Steph: WOAH- HOLD ON, HOLD ON-

Dick: THAT'S SO UNFAIR,

Duke: JUST BECAUSE HE'S A SLUT HE GETS TO AVOID THE MEETINGS?!

Bruce: -STOP SHOUTING AT ME-

Damian: so what i'm hearing is that to get out of these ridiculous things, i just have to tell Jon he's allowed to hit?

*silence*

Bruce, to Damian: ...ok you're grounded,

Tim: Steph, i know we broke up years ago and you're technically my sister now but i feel like this is for the greater good-

Steph: you and i have the same mind, Timmy-boy.

Jason: hold on, it's on my phone, let me pull it up.

Tim, audibly delighted: i can't believe you do this-!

Bruce: Robin, don't get distracted, i need you on my six.

Damian: *already distracted, somewhat forlorn* i wish you were an owl...

Bruce: that's not- *pause* what?

Damian: they don't need people on their sixes. they can turn their heads and just look.

*silence*

*distant crashing and gunshots*

Bruce: shit- focus, Robin!

Jason: i got it, it's still here.

Tim: please god read it out,

Bruce: *amidst grunting* you two aren't helping.

Jason, dismissively: then switch to a different line? everybody knows line seven is Red Hood's territory; go back to line one.

Dick: who needs to go back to line one?

Tim: ...Dick you've been here for thirty minutes, how are you not hearing us.

Dick: sorry- you know that thing where you disassociate and drive, and then you snap back to yourself as you pull up the driveway and you have that moment of 'how the fuck am i still alive?'? i think i did that with swinging.

Jason, grunting casually: oh yeah, i get that sometimes.

Dick, mystified: how the fuck did i get to Bristol...? sorry, anyway- what are we on?

Tim: Jason's grudge list.

Dick: Jason's what now?

Jason: i have a list on my phone of the worst things everybody has done to me, so i can keep track of how much revenge i need to get to 'win'.

Damian: ...win what?

Jason: shut up. aren't you fighting?

Damian: it's not that complicated a fight.

*distant gunshot*

Damian, casually, after a beat: Father?

*sounds of punching, hitting*

Bruce: yes?

Damian: how good of a mood would you say you're in?

Bruce: ...why?

Tim: i'm calling it now he got shot- you got shot, didn't you?

*silence*

Damian: tis' but a flesh wound-,

Bruce, resigned: oh my god- Robin.

Damian: you didn't watch my six.

Tim: *laughs*

Damian: it didn't even hit anywhere important,

Bruce: i don't care- just go to the batmobile and get the first aid kit, i'll be there after i finish getting the evidence i needed.

Damian: *groans*

Dick: are you guys done? because i wanna know what's on Jason's list for me.

Tim: yeah i'm- i'm also very invested in this. actually- is Damian on there?

Jason: uhhhh- yeah, by the bottom. i don't update this that much, to be fair.

Damian: what's written for me?

Jason: it just says 'looks too much like Bruce'.

Tim: *instant snickers*

Dick: wait wait- what's on there for Bruce then?

Jason: Bruce's- *laughs* ok, Bruce's has stayed the same since before i went to Ethiopia, and it's still the most evil thing he's ever done to me.

Bruce: *confused grunt*

Jason: according to the list, the meanest shit Bruce has ever done to me was when I was thirteen years old and he took me to an evening afterparty for this opera event, and i was bored as fuck with all the other rich-people kids and i wanted to go home, so to discreetly get B's attention, i texted him-,

Bruce: oh- *snort* ok i remember this.

Dick: what happened?

Jason, indignant: i texted him asking if we could go home, and this piece of shit proceeds to look at the text in the middle of this circle of people he's talking to, read the text from me OUT LOUD TO THEM, and then he looked at me across the room and yelled out 'what's wrong, chum? who don't you like, why do you wanna leave so early?'

Tim: *long noise of sympathy*

Dick: *cackling* THAT'S SO BAD????

Bruce: *another snort*

Jason: shut up Bruce. -and you wonder why we hated you; honestly.

Bruce: you were- *struggling to tamp down his amusement* you were being a handful, and that was the quickest way i could think of to make you want to be quiet.

Dick: *more cackles*

Jason: worst moment of my life to date, and i've literally been murdered.

Bruce, slightly amused: oh come now, chum, that's dramamtic.

Jason: IT'S NOT THOUGH??? IT'S PUBLIC HUMILIATION!

Tim: *wheeze*

Damian: *hiss of pain* oh- woooaaahhhhhh,

Dick, still snickering: -uh, Dami?

Damian: hm? oh, sorry, no, carry on, don't mind me- *under his breath* huh, that's cool.

Bruce, slightly concerned: Robin, where are you? i thought i told you to wait in the car.

Damian: i am in the car.

Bruce: then what are you doing?

Damian: taking out the bullet i got shot with.

Tim: ...the hell is 'cool' about that?

Damian: there's a second one already in there that i didn't know about.

*a beat*

Dick, baffled: what?

Bruce, stern: Robin what's your status, are you ok?

Jason: when the fuck did you even last get shot?

Damian: i dunno, that's why it's cool. i guess i forgot about it?

Tim: dude- what the fuck even is your life.

Damian: yeah i don't- oh, i think the second one was blocking a vein- shit, there's blood on the seats,

Dick: oh my god BRUCE GO TO YOUR KID-

Bruce: I'M GOING-

Tim, mumbling: like father like son,

Duke: Why are you slowing down? It’s straight on.

Jason: I’m trying to figure out if this is the turn or if these co-ordinates are off.

Duke: It’s literally down there. Look, big sign. Can your Crime Alley ass not read?

Jason: At least we can read the street signs.

Duke: You don’t have street signs. You have arrows spray‑painted on trash cans.

Jason: Better than the Narrows. You get lost and you fucking pray Killer Croc jumps up from the sewers and fucking eats you just so you don't have to spend another second on those streets.

Duke: At least we have streets. Crime Alley is just a string potholes holding hands and one burning trashcan.

Bruce, over comms: Signal, Red Hood, table your conversation or you can get your asses back to the Cave.

Steph, over comms: Get a load of this Crest Hill bitch.

Jason: Stand your HOA ass stand down, Spoiler. Widow Creek isn't that great.

Steph: At least we have running water and flushing toilet, Park Row bitch. And before you even start Drake, your Bristol ass is on thin ice.

Scientists invented a fake disease. AI told people it was real: Nature.com

Damian: i don't get it.

Jason: no i've never gotten it either.

Tim: i mean, i do get it slightly? like... he can be intimidating sometimes? but then again that's B as a father figure; all dads can be scary towards their kids if they really need to be. from the perspective of a Justice League member? there's no logical reason as to why Superman would ever think Batman was scary.

Damian: are we sure them considering Father as their scariest member isn't simply a sarcastic inside joke within the group?

Dick: naw bub, it's real. i've seen Clark try to hide from him when he thought he'd 'wronged' B in some way. they're genuinely intimidated by him.

Damian, mystified: that's ridiculous, he isn't scary.

Jason: well- actually ok, i might get it. because he isn't scary to us; but maybe that's why he's so scary to the JL.

Dick: *snort* what, we made him scary?

Jason: i- you have to admit, like- like we have done some shit.

Tim: *laughs*

Jason: yeah, like- *laugh* maybe the thing is that we've pissed off Bruce so much over the years, that we've upgraded his ability to deal with things further than any normal human man should. like he has to try and be visibly angry enough for us to listen to him when he tells us to knock it off; when you start getting good at that level of intimidation, the fucking farm boy and ocean buddy with the big fork is like- it's gotta be child's play.

Dick: *cackle* ocean buddy with the big fork,

Jason, audibly holding back laughter: right but you see my point-!

Damian: i mean, does Father even get angry at us anymore? i feel like he's given up at this point. he just gets resigned; doesn't really try.

Tim: well that's the thing, i think we've perfected being disappointments so well as a group that he's lost the ability to get mad. he expects it; i can't imagine what we'd have to do to make him genuinely rageful nowadays.

Dick, thoughtful: yeah... we've definitely raised the bar.

Damian: you used to make him very angry before Jason died, right? so you two were the- you were the original-,

Tim, amused: the pioneers.

Jason, smug: we did perfect our methods. it's an art form.

Damian: yeah but was that an old skill or do you still manage it? because even i struggle to make him seething mad.

Tim: his tolerance has built up massively over the years...

Jason: yeah it's tougher. we still manage it sometimes, though.

Damian: what's the angriest you've ever made him?

Dick: oooh, good question...

Jason: you know what- genuinely? you'd think it would be something from the golden era; i reckon Dickie bird's was recent.

Dick: *casually surprised* oh you think? you think it was the thing from a few weeks ago?

Jason: oh 100%. he literally told you not to go home with him. i was impressed.

Dick: well- *snort* to be fair i'd been gunning for that all day; i wanted to go home but needed an excuse to ditch the manor.

Jason: *cackles*

Tim: wait what'd you do a couple weeks ago?

Dick: do you not remember- that gala where i was supposed to spend the night at the manor afterwards? but i ended up going back to Bludhaven instead?

Tim: wait- *pause* that was because Bruce told you you couldn't?

Damian: *in slight awe* ...Richard. what did you do.

Jason: *starting to laugh again* oh- oh man, i forgot you guys were in a different room- you didn't get to see it-!

Damian: the fuck did you see it? you're dead.

Jason: spray-on hair dye and a barkeeper outfit.

Dick: yeah he was so pissed off- it was on camera, too; like the press were actively filming. i think Bruce sued them for the footage.

Jason: *wheeze*

Tim: what the fuck happened???

Dick: ok well- *sigh* there was this little old lady who was attending the event with her carer-, and i wanna be clear this lady was very sweet, she did not mean to be rude in any way, she was clearly just very confused,

Tim: *now audibly baffled* what the fuck could you possibly be building up to?

Jason: *another wheeze*

Dick: i just need you to understand that this was a very nice old lady who clearly had dementia and didn't mean to be rude.

Damian: what did she do?

Dick: well she was talking about her grandkids, so B started talking about his kids. And you know, he introduced me, and then he pointed out you and Tim in the crowd, and then Cass walked past with Duke so he told her they were his as well, and... i don't think she was all there in the head, you know? didn't remember that Bruce was famous for adoption. so she kinda went, like, 'you have a lot of them, don't you? are you sure they're all yours? they don't look much alike', which,

Jason: -bullshit, all four of us could enter a Bruce Wayne lookalike contest and draw for first.

Dick: -right, but also like, you gotta admit we're pretty fucking diverse for a single group of siblings, right?

Tim: point, actually.

Dick: yeah! anyway- so i could see Bruce kinda getting ready to laugh it off, right? and i- *snort* listen, i'd had a few.

Jason: i'm a good mixer.

Dick: -yeah, he is, and like i said i was already trying to look for an out of staying at the manor because i hadn't been home in a while and i was tired, so before he could say anything, i said- *abrupt wheeze*

Jason: *muffled snort*

Dick: i- *more laughter* *high pitched* i said,

Damian, flat: dear god.

Dick: *giggling* *hands slapping fabric* i wasn't thinking, and i just kinda came out with, 'it's his fetish, he's trying to get one of each race.' and-

Jason and Dick: *instantly lose it*

Jason: *loud laughter* THIS IS STILL- THIS IS STILL MY FAVOURITE THING-,

Dick: *incoherent crying*

Tim, incredulous: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!

Damian, with pure awe: that's... insane. making that joke on camera? in public?

Dick, weeping: n' he- he got so mad,

Jason, loudly: HE WENT BRIGHT RED, I THOUGHT- i thought he was going to hit him.

Dick: to this day i don't know how i managed to keep a straight face.

Tim: *stage whisper* what did he do??

Dick: he pulled me aside afterwards and- *wheeze* and he was like 'look i need some space from you right now, i think you should- *snort* i think you should get a different car and go home, and i'll just call you next week or something',

Jason: this is everything i aspire to achieve and more,

Dick: -and i was just like- i was like, 'yeah that's fair'- *breaks down into giggles again*

Tim: THAT'S FAIR- *wheeze* *cackling* fucking- 'i wouldn't wanna look at me either',

Dick: 'i get it, i hate me too',

Jason: i don't know- i don't know how he doesn't expect those sorts of jokes by now?

Dick: i don't fucking know how we keep coming up with them, it's like an endless well.

*ping*

Jason: an endless well of making Bruce seem like a pervert just to piss him off- ah fuck.

*tense silence*

*more silence*

Bruce, sternly: i'm tracking all of you. i know you're doing another four person stakeout-,

Dick, instantly: fuck- split, SPLIT-

Damian: what about the target?!

Jason: WHO GIVES A SHIT- JUST GO.

Youre doing great

He’ll be reading a book in his study, and suddenly he notices a burn mark on his hand that he can’t remember getting. Yeah, he was in the kitchen earlier helping Alfred get stuff out of the oven, but he didn’t feel anything when he accidentally touched the hot pan.

He’ll be feeling a little dizzy after chasing Damian through the woods behind the manor, attributing his lightheadedness and weakness to overexertion since he and Damian were having so much fun. Turns out a thorn caught his pants and ripped down the side of his leg. He’s been bleeding profusely for a while and only noticed when Damian worriedly pointed it out.

No one else notices it for a long while, because why would Bruce ever feel like bringing this up to anyone around him, but slowly they start to pay more attention. Bruce doesn't enjoy that his kids can point out the fact that he's hurt before he bothers to take inventory of himself.

The kids start taking a page out of Bruce's book and carry around more bandages, not just for themselves. Bruce always has stuff on him, cause his kids are chaos junkies, but he deliberately chooses not to use them on himself when he gets hurt.

When Jason finds out that small tidbit, he almost cusses Bruce out, but Dick smacks him in the back of his head and asks him how that was gonna help the situation.

So yes, now Bruce reluctantly lets his kids cover him in Band-Aids whenever he gets even the smallest cuts or bruises.

Dick is the most dramatic when he puts bandages on, giving Bruce a loud, exaggerated kiss every time. Cass decides to follow in the footsteps of giving a kiss, but more sincerely, and asks Bruce to take care of himself. Jason tosses him a Band-Aid (specially made Red Hood themed) and nags him to pay attention before walking away, later nonchalantly trying to check if Bruce actually put the Band-Aid on.

Tim chooses the ugliest and worst Band-Aids he can find, and when Bruce jokingly complained, he found out Tim actually thought they were cute and got pouty for an hour until Bruce apologized. Stephanie exclusively has dinosaur Band-Aids specifically for him; she does not allow anyone else to use them.

Duke has all kinds of cartoons on his Band-Aids that Bruce has never heard of, but patiently listens to Duke rant and rave about the characters any day. Damian used to only use plain Band-Aids till Steph introduced him to the world of cute animal ones, and now he makes Bruce pick out which animal he wants.

Alfred, walking down the hallway: *stumbles upon Damian curled up in a ball on the floor, Tim standing over him with a baseball bat*

Alfred and Tim: *staring at each other*

Tim: *pointing at Damian* this wasn't me. he- he asked me to.

Alfred, not believing him for a second: oh he asked you to? did he?

Tim: YES.

Damian: *groans, slowly turns over and limps to his feet* ok now go for the other kneecap, i want to see if one is stronger than the other- oh.

Damian, bruised to hell and back: hello Pennyworth.

*silence*

—

Dick: Uh, hey, Jay?

Jason and Jaybin: Yes?

Dick: I’m gonna need you to confirm I’m not hallucinating again.

Jason: You mean Jay?

Dick: Oh, thank God, you see him too? Why is tiny you here?

Jason, preparing to lie his ass off: Dick… I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a few weeks now, but I just found out I have a son. His name is Jay.

Dick: What.

Jaybin: Hello, Uncle Dick.

Jason, very grateful that his childhood self knows what’s up: It was a surprise to me, too. Just try not to freak out too much, okay?

Dick: Oh shi—shoot. You’re being serious.

Dick, leaning down to Jaybin’s level: Hey, Jay, it’s good to meet you.

Later, when Jason and Dick are alone

Dick: Okay, but why did he get none of his mom’s genes? He looks just like you. I’m just saying, are you sure he’s your son and not just younger you?

Jason, wondering how good his gaslighting skills are: What do you mean? He’s got his mom’s eyes.

Dick: Jason, your eyes used to be blue like his.

Jason: No they weren’t.

Dick: They were! It was the pit that changed your eye color.

Jason: Dick, do you seriously not remember what I looked like? My eyes weren’t this green, but they were still hazel.

Dick: Hazel? Really?

Jason: Yes! I know you didn’t spend a lot of time with me back then, but I thought you would’ve known that.

Dick, now feeling guilty: Sorry, you’re right. You would know better than me.

Dick, after a second of silence: Wait… how old is Jay, and who the fuck is his mother?

—

Alfred: Master Jason, it’s a pleasure to see you again.

Jason: I promised Dick I would come to dinner.

Jabin: Hi, Alfred!

Alfred, looking down at Jaybin, slightly perplexed: Young Master Jason. What a surprise.

Jason: That’s Jay. He’s my son.

Alfred, eyes widening: A son. Well, come in, Jay. Everyone will be wanting to meet you.

Jaybin runs inside and down a hall, and Jason starts to follow him.

Alfred: One moment, Master Jason. You do know it would be all right if Jay were from the past? I’m sure Bruce and the others would be willing to help him find a way back to his own time.

Jason: No clue what you’re on about, Alfie.

Alfred, sighing: Very well. I suppose we should find Jay before he runs into everyone.

At dinner

Bruce is staring at Jaybin as if he’s just seen a ghost.

Jason, biting back a grin: You okay there, B?

Bruce, slowly turning his head to look at Jason: Fine.

Damian, coming to sit at the table: You look to be sweating, Father.

Jaybin, looking at Damian: Who the fuck are you?

Damian, squinting at Jaybin: Why has a miniature version of Jason joined us?

Bruce: Apparently, that’s your nephew, Damian.

Damian, looking at Jason: You had a child and didn’t tell me?

Jaybin, also looking at Jason: You have another brother and didn’t tell me?

Jason, standing: Fuck, I knew this was a bad idea. Come on, Jay, we’re leaving.

Bruce: Jason, we need to talk about who the mother is.

Dick, suddenly appearing: Please, can we talk about the mother?

Jason, picking up Jaybin: Yeah, nope. We’re out.

—

Jason and Steph are on the phone

Jason: Hey, just a heads up, I’m watching a kid. I’m still on for movie night, though.

Steph: Dude, I just knocked on your door.

Jason: Yeah, why do you think I called to tell you?

Steph: Okay, sure, whatever. Just let me in.

Jason, hanging up and opening the door: ‘Sup.

Steph: Did you kidnap a child?

Jason: The fuck?

Steph: There’s no way you’re willingly babysitting, so who’s the kid?

Jason: Jesus, no, I didn’t kidnap someone. The kid is mine. Jay, come meet Steph!

Steph: Sorry, what?

Jaybin, running up next to Jason: Hello!

Steph, shoving Jason aside: Oh my God, it’s a tiny you. Hi, Jay! Jason, this is the best thing you’ve ever done.

Jason, snorting: What, procreate?

Steph, very seriously: Yes. He’s adorable.

An hour later, during which Steph just played games with Jaybin

Steph: Wait, so Jason, who’s the kid’s mom? And also, how old were you when she had him?

Dick, climbing through the window: Jason, you better fucking answer this time.

—

I’m thinking of potentially turning this into a fic because I have so many ideas for it, I’m just not sure how long it would end up being, so idk how long it would take to write.

Kon: Do you want to go upstairs?

Tim: Only if you carry me.

Kon: Do you have protection?

Bruce: What?

Jason: Stop treating me like a child.

Bruce: What’s the second request?