can-can house

Earth: 10/10

This would be the best one. First you got the crunchy outer layer filled with a bunch of life so a variety of tastes as well, moving into the gooey centre YUUMMMMY. You have to consider water on it as well so you’re also getting hydrated it’s the best. It’s basically a molten cake and if I could only choose one planet to eat it would be Earth

Mercury: 4/10

This has the potential to be good as well, its core is really big and crust is thin. Now while you might go but John Earth got such a high score because of that no? WRONG mercury is too small wouldn’t be filling enough and there’s too much core you don’t want it to overwhelm the crust

Venus: 7/10

The hottest planet in the solar system gets its points because sometimes you want a spicy food and I think this would work

Mars: 5/10

I am fond of Mars but I think it would be too dry to eat. Maybe if you have it after you’ve drunk something then it could work and I could see it being a fun little snack

Jupiter: 6/10

Okay this is a gas giant so it would be difficult to eat and I think the red spot would be a nice place to bite into however it could be too big and you might not be able to finish in one sitting. Now this could be a downside or a positive, either urgh I have to eat the rest of this later, and if you like it there’s not much of it left, or yay I have more food for later. It wouldn’t be my first choice to eat I think it’s too large

Saturn: 9/10

Now this is tricky because do you count saturns rings and yes I will. This makes Saturn so much more fun to eat because you have the planet itself to eat as your main course and the ring as a snack you can munch on when you get bored of the planet itself. This would probably be my second choice of planet to eat it makes eating fun. Saturn without its rings would probably be a 2/10 because other planets have its gimmick

Neptune: 7/10

Okay you might be thinking John! What? But Neptune is a gas ice giant so it provides a nice cool refreshing meal after some of the others you might have eaten. I’d pair this with Venus

Pluto: 10/10

ITS STILL A PLANET I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY

Uranus: 10/10

gay

catholic and tortured about it

wears all black

parent/s aren’t alive but are sustained by magic

prickly to hostile exterior, incredibly loyal and devoted on the inside

they have both canonically created magic pocket dimensions

spends a lot of time thinking about a being of great power suspended in stasis

guilt™️

2023 alectopause: you know it's ok we can wait. i got some fics to write

2024 alectopause: here is 30,000 words on how john's characterization as emperor and lyctorhood interplays with colonialism, imperialism, sexual assault, and misogyny, featuring a full bibliography, a reading list, and peer reviewed by three mutuals

2025 alectopause: gideon would not fucking say that