itskasiat

Day 8 and 9. 

Because I’m awful and missed a day and will combine. 

It’s 1:23 a.m. and I feel nothing but utterly hopeless. It’s all just a combination of feeling you don’t feel, or can feel, or would want to feel. It’s everything undescribable because you don’t know what you want to describe at all whatsoever. It’s a feeling that feels like nothing. And I want it to go away. 

All I can think about when I feel like this is thinking about a time when I didn’t feel this way. Back when I was happy and constantly thought, “I never want this to end.” All the laughter and shivers that went down my spine. It’s all just a combination of happiness and all the positivity you never dreamt of having. It’s having no care in the world, like back to when you were a 3 year old. But that’s not how it is in this moment. 

This feeling still haunts me, it usually happens when I start thinking of something that I feel was a mistake, or something I am unsure of, or maybe just out of random pity for myself. I will think of bad mistakes I've made and not really care, just have the thought in my head of, “I did this. and I’ll never do it ever again.” Or there are times like right now when I think of these moments and think nothing but horrible things about myself and think of what I felt when in the end I felt nothing but the hurt. Or i’ll think about times that do hurt me, or think of the future only thinking bad things about something that could happen. The times when I really should only think positively and think of ways to make sure nothing but good things happen and nothing but smiles and making sure the bad thing won't happen. But thats all an if or just a thought. Or even just something I’ll read once it’s all over and not even know what I’m trying to say.

When I feel this way I just want to be alone, apart of me feels like I should be, then theres a part of me that is screaming for help but it’s like they're locked away in a hole and is just screaming in the distance, heard but can't be seen. 

Of course the feeling will pass, sooner rather than later. I’ll take back everything I felt and just laugh it off, pretending it never happened, or think positive things and try to look forward rather than back. But it’s really not the way it should be during moments like that. I need to think about how I’ll make sure this won't happen again. The anxiety attack. Or the hopelessness. Or maybe I’ll have to think about why I’m feeling this. How can I make sure that whatever caused this, won’t come back, or won’t haunt me or taunt me. 

Day 7. 

There will be the days that we are not up to par. There will be days where you are feeling off and not sure why. There will be days where every little thing seems to not make anything better. Well today, is one of those days. 

I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, especially anxiety that I still struggle with. I definitely feel that today my anxiety has awoken and is back to torture me with today. Not only am I questioning why this is so, but also because of the fact that I have been so happy lately and so inspired to live such a better, positive and happy life. But regardless with all the things that I’ve been doing to try and stay healthy, I’d think I would feel happy instead of thinking I’m happy and really deep down I am not. 

I can’t seem to understand why this is so, or why this happens to me more than not. But when it really comes down to it, it’s all because of the questions I have I will never be able to answer it. I have an amazing job, surrounded by an amazing family and person that loves me, amazing friends, and an amazing life some people would so desperately want to have. But with all that being said it doesn't change the fact of how I feel. 

In this moment as I sit in my car, waiting to go into my math class that really flies by because its actually a fun class, I am dreading going to class, I am dreading the fact that I have to work tonight despite the fact that I love what I do and most days can't wait to go to work because I know it’s not an 8 hour work day and these shifts I know aren't all that bad, I am dreading the fact that my nails are absolutely horrifying because I can't stop biting them but can't find the time or desire to go get them done (actual first world basic ass problem), and most of all, I am dreading the fact that I feel like I am doing nothing with my life to better myself that I could be going out and filming a bunch of videos or practicing my photography like I always sit and brainstorm all the things I want to and will get done but never manage to. 

It’s all easier said than done when I really get down to it. And of course it’s all easier said than done once it all passes. But once all those things do pass, then what? Will I still be sitting here with my thoughtful wondering head dreading the next thing I’ll need to do that I once used to enjoy? It’s those questions that haunt me and those thoughts that I dread. 

But I must stay positive and I must keep going. Because if I won't, I am wasting precious time I could've been doing something else or thinking of other things I could have been doing. 

Day Six. 

“Wanna try some wasabi?” “No.” “Wasabi.” ...... “Help.” Watching that video made me die, and if you haven’t seen that video you are missing out. Little children are what give my life so much life. 

I have a 4 year old sister at home that I live with with my family. When she first came into this world I knew that she would be coming into my life for a reason. Not only for my mom to raise another human in this world, but for me I truly feel God sent her to save my life. 

When she was born I was going through a lot of rough times in my life. I was depressed months before and was not very mentally healthy. When I saw her for the first time I told myself that I needed to be better, for myself and for her. I wouldn’t know how I would react if she ever found out what I did and thought before she was born and how much she changed me. I told myself that she couldn’t have a sister like that. She needed a sister to look up to, to be inspired by, to have someone that they want to grow up to be. Now to this day she is nothing but the true source of my happiness. 

That being said a lot of my actions now prove what kind of a person I want to be just because I am definitely a big impact on her life. I spent every single day seeing her and teaching her all sorts of things. Like what GOOD Disney movies there are and educating her mind on what good outfits are. I’m even lucky because having her at home means I’ll never be alone, and lucky for me she’s a night owl just like me so late at night when I get home, most of the time she’s still awake, greeting me at the door or creeping quietly into my room with, “hi Kasia!” Not only that, I get to have a little human grow up to be like me. That’s always fun. Having a little mini me.

It’s amazing how children come into this world and are such a blessing from God. Like when there’s been a couple trying so hard to get pregnant and it just doesn’t work out for years, soon close to giving up hope, God sends this child to them and all their hard work, negativity, and doubts get flushed away right when they see the child they've been longing for. Or if there’s a couple that can’t get pregnant they are able to adopt a child, making their dreams of wanting a parent come true. 

Day Five. 

When in doubt, just take the next small step. 

Life is full of complications and adventures of taking one step at a time. That is regarding relationships, education, career/professions, and just yourself in this thing called life. 

When it comes to little challenges and goals that I’ve given myself lately, especially this month with all the goals I am trying to get done this month, it’s important to not try to do everything all at once. Taking one step at a time will give you the best results possible. Or in fact, don’t assume that you’re accomplish something right away. It does take time and bigger the goal, the more steps you need to take to accomplish it. 

For me, it was always difficult to keep something going one day at a time. If that means accomplishing a task like making a video or starting up a short film that I’ve been wanting to do, it always starts with the want and desire to start and doing it, which usually starts with everyone. But to get it done and actually start is another step by step process that becomes difficult to keep the motivation going. I always think that once you for yourself to start, if you truly want something then you’ll keep going. For example, for March I’ve been wanting to lose weight or get more in shape. So every day I’ve been looking up new work out routines that keep me motivated and wanting me to do more rather than just forcing myself to go to the gym and doing the same old things I’ve been doing. 

That’s something I’ve noticed with getting goals and accomplishments completed. 

You must:

1. Thoroughly think through your goal and accomplishment you want to achieve. 

2. Plan how you will accomplish them.

3. Regardless of where you are, or if not thoroughly planned out: Start. 

4. Keep going. 

5. Before you know it you’ll be done, and look back on what you achieved and if you can do better. 

Day Four. 

It’s 1:07 am and clearly I’m a bit late with writing this but like I wrote yesterday, it not the next day till I go to sleep. 

Today was a long, hectic day. Filled with a lot of work and a lot of things in my mind. At work I am the shift lead, meaning when there’s no manager I am the one in charge of the employees, when customers need to “speak to a manager”, giving breaks and lunches, and making all the important things that my work place needs. I work at a tea shop so it’s really important to be on your A game making sure everything is running smoothly. With a very common location in town, we tend to get extremely busy during the weekends and during the day. Today, the drink rush lasted from 11 a.m. until 7 p.m. Is that possible? When you're the only good boba tea place in town then absolutely. Think of Starbucks with 4 rows of drinks constantly making drinks one after another and on top of all that constant orders of avocado toasts as well as sandwiches for hungry customers. 

But I’m not here to give you the low down of my work place and my work environment. We’re here today to talk about how during moments and times like these, it’s important to keep a positive and open mind especially if you are in charge, like I was. All your coworkers look up to you and look to you for help and advice during situations that they need help and advice during. When I was just a regular barista making drinks, it always made me feel so special and important when the shift lead would praise me randomly out of the hectic crazy rush. It’s important for me to do it during a hectic crazy rush. And it’s important to keep that positive and open mind during any crazy/stressful situation.

I feel as though being in a situation like these and getting used to such crazy rushes, it gives my everyday life a much more easier feel. There isn’t gonna be something crazy and hectic I’m gonna walk into when I am just walking into the grocery store for milk or something. I am able to keep my composure during situations that need people to stay calm and have a positive mindset. Which comes to my point of with all this being said, regardless of hectic and crazy moments and times, I will always make sure to keep an open mind as well as a positive one. That’s the way to get through every day moments. That’s what keeps people happy and keeps them motivated, and if you ever feel yourself getting down, just think to yourself, “could this situation be worse right now?” Is this the worst thing that could happen to you today? Of course there are so many possibilities of “it can’t get worse than this” but wouldn't you rather think, “it can’t get worse than this” or “at least it’s not as worse as the other day”. 

Positivity and Open Mindness is what gets you through the day, and I promise, it will be worth it. 

Day 3. 

I just barely made it in writing my blog post for the day. 11:42. But that simply wouldn’t change the fact of me writing past 12 because I don’t know about you but for me, it’s not tomorrow until I go to sleep and wake up, unless I pulled an all nighter or something and went to bed at like 6/7 in the morning. 

At this day and age of time us young adults/millenials have become such night owls, that it’s just a normal and natural thing for people to be night owls rather than a morning person. I think it’s quite neat. For example, for me at night is when my mind wonders and it’s the perfect time to get creative because that’s when all the juices are flowing. It’s definitely something that runs in my family just because I couldn’t name 1 person from my family that goes to bed early. I think it’s actually quite inspiring that there is a certain time of the day that people are more creative than other times. Many musicians, writers, and actors I know of stay up late because that’s when there muse is high and creativity juices flow. But there's also the morning people, that have already run a 5K and managed to write a book all before 8 in the morning, (yes thats an exaggeration.) 

I’ve tried becoming a morning person. I think there’s something beautiful with waking up early in the morning to go do something that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster. If that means waking up to watch the sunrise or go for a morning jog when the neighborhood is still silent. Or how about going into your favorite popular coffee shop around the time it opens just to get that nice peace and quite before the normal natural rush starts happening. It’s when birds are chirping, trees softly blowing in the wind, and the air nice and cool before the warm sun hits your soft skin. 

On the other hand, night owls. We tend to sit in the comfort of our home preferably alone, with some headphones or soft music playing from your computer speakers, and all there is; you sitting on your desk chair, or bed curled up in a ball with the only light visible is your computer screen. Or even having the light from your TV with your headphones around your head while your screaming at all the other players you're killing online in your video game. But that’s when the creativity also flows. With us night owls, we tend to sit and let our mind wander while writing things down, pen or paper. The silence all around you fills your mind and the only voices you have are the ones in your head. Which is why at the same time of creativity, you do also meet with the people that get depressed and upset during these times because its when you feel most alone. I am a victim of this, and that is one of the hardest things to experience almost on a daily basis. But you eventually get through it by finding mechanisms to cope with these things..because you do get through it. 

Day Two. 

For some reason I feel like for today it’s important to remember how important happiness is and how it comes in all sorts of different ways. Say you’re walking to your car from leaving a shop and someone passes by you and gives you a quick smile, you instantly get a little bit of happiness, unless you're the Grinch and would want to beat the person to the ground for even looking at you, or say you best friend texts you randomly just reminding you how much they love you, instant happiness. Regardless of how big or small happiness comes to us all sorts of different ways but makes us feel the same. 

With going through life and remembering the hard times in the past, its tough remembering the positive outlook on those situations, and that is strictly because of the fact that you remember all the things you did that affected someone/something in the future making that moment or situation a bad or rough one. For example, I am definitely a victim of being lied to and gosh did it tear and rip me apart to shreds. I remember after the person admitting to their wrongness how horrible I felt. Believing and living with the lies for so long. All I could think about was what I did to deserve it and how I could possibly let this happen to me, that I needed to take it out on myself, to remove the pain from the inside out to the outside. But in that moment I later realized that I wasn’t upset at the person who did it. But I’ve also been at the opposite end, doing the lies. This was after I was the one being lied to, so you could imagine how terrified I was with what would happen if the other person found out the truth. I didn’t want to wish upon them the pain I felt when finding out everything was a lie. But down the line, they found out my lies and were upset, but never left my side. They felt the pain I felt, they had it affect them just as much as it affected me. 

When you truly love someone you never really get upset at that person, just with what was done, said, and how it was expressed and handled. You later feel like your entire world is falling apart. That everything you did, all the happiness you have felt that day, week, month, all washed away with nothing left except the sadness and emptiness you must endure now.

But if anyone knows me, knows I constantly say and think, thanks to mister Shay Carl, happiness is a choice. 

You have the power to choose how you will act on this. You have the knowledge of the matter and the knowledge of what’s going on in your head. A huge example of this is say a mother receives extremely bad news and wants to break down and cry, but her 2 and 5 year old children notice something is wrong and will instantly question it. She then has the choice, to break down and be upset, or put on a happy face and will later be upset about it when alone. 

Well here it is. Day One. 

I feel like the hardest part when starting to write is just where to start. You have so many ideas and know what you want to say but you have no idea how to or how to express it. 

Today was a weird day. All day knowing that today and the rest of the month I’ll be doing things every single day (or trying to) that I want to make a habit of and just have a part of my everyday routine. For example, I have going to the gym every day, writing everyday, blogging everyday, reading, running, and taking care of my self more. I feel if I do these things and get into the habit of it then I’ll be going through life more happier or more comfortable with myself. 

Going through things like this is just one thing that comes along for having a happy life. For quite some time, and the reasoning behind me doing this month challenge, I haven't been very happy with myself. I’ve let go on keeping an eye on things that make me happy and healthier, to not caring and just saying whatever. I always know what I want but I never know how to get there or how to do it. I sit and think about the life I want to have. When I first move out and live on my own, of what I want my apartment to look like, if I want to get a cat or if I want to have a dog, the location of where I want it to be at, what kind of groceries I’d buy for myself, and just all of the things that will help me grow to a young woman I want to be. 

Being 21 it’s hard because I’m not sure when my time will come as to when I will be able to get all that done and live my life the way I want. I live with my mom, my step dad, my 4 year old half sister, and my grandma. Already, I don’t feel at home as I should. I barely spend my time at home, I mostly spend it at my boyfriend’s house because his family is a family that I strive to have. I’ve always felt so welcome and never felt uncomfortable. It’s nice just spending time together with them where an evening in the home is either watching a movie with his mom or being interrupted by his big puppy and so on. Regardless of what happens and what goes on it is a place where I feel comfortable and wanted, where at home I feel alone and on occasion get interrupted by my little 4 year old sister which I always am grateful for because she's like my pride and joy. 

With all this writing and self discovery, I definitely feel that by the end of this I will have a better understanding of what I want or what I will want, what my goals are and how I’ll get to them, etc. I feel like especially with where I’m at in life, it’s exactly what I need and what will help me. 

Hi friends/followers!

I’d love to share all my social media sites for your viewing pleasure! I’d love to make new friends and have a new experience with all of you! 

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Kasheesha/media

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/heart2kat97/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/heart2kat97

For the next 31 one days of March, I have given myself the challenge of writing a blog post every single day. This isn’t much of a challenge for myself as I’ve made this a new habit of mine because I haven't been writing for quite some time. I’ve always loved writing. Fictional/Nonfictional. But I shall get personal by talk about myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my wants, dreams, aspirations, just anything that makes me, me. Or maybe just a little taste of what I’m about. What I like, enjoy, hate. Just a little bit of everything, to open up my mind and let it all out like I used to.